Family funerals
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Anonymous
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Hi all, at what age do you bring children to funerals of their grand parents? Any tips you could share on how to prepare them for this.
We live away from family so this would be a longer trip and require the kids to miss school. I’m wondering if it’s better for one parent to stay home with them or for everyone to go. Thank you |
Anonymous
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Many times bringing the kids isn’t for them, it’s for the rest of the family. Is there another living grandparent that would would be happy if they saw them.
I have brought pretty young kids, but didn’t hesitate to take them out if they got wiggly. Extended family enjoyed seeing them. If they are young, don’t worry about missing school. |
Anonymous
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I think it depends on the child and their relationship with the deceased.
We were in town on a visit when my grandmother (kids’ great-grandmother) passed away. The kids were 7 and 9. We explained what to expect and gave them the choice. As I recall, the 9 year old went to the funeral home to say goodbye and the 7 year old chose not to. Both kids decided to skip the funeral. Neither had been terribly close to my grandmother, seeing as we only saw her every couple of years, although we kept in touch by phone. When my other grandparents died, it wasn’t really a question for them to go. If either had felt strongly about it, we would have tried to give them the opportunity, but it was too removed from them. We felt it was better for them to stay happy in their world, and easier tor me to attend the funeral and grieve with the family, without tending to kids and keeping them happy, or at least not disruptive. |
Anonymous
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We have faced this in the last year with my grandparents and may do so in the next few months with my mother. We opted not to bring the kids (8 and 5) to my grandparents' funerals, since both required last-minute travel (10 hour drive each way). We will probably bring them when it's my mother because they are much closer to her and it's not nearly as long a drive. But we are thinking they will come to the service only and not the interment. Another relative will likely stay take them to a nearby playground or back to my parents' house during the interment. I think it would be too upsetting to see the casket lowered. The funeral service itself is very simple and not terribly long, no open casket, so that is doable although obviously everyone will be crying.
If it was one of those big funerals with open casket that you parade past and people potentially collapsing with grief, my decision would be different. I find that tremendously upsetting as an adult - maybe because I didn't grow up with that tradition though - and would not take my kids to it. |
Anonymous
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We brought our kids, then aged 3 and 4, to my grandmother's funeral. Our older son also attended another great-grandmother's funerals at age 1.5. The former had a viewing period before the service and we brought the 4 year old in for that part at his own request and he was able to see the open casket briefly before the casket was closed and mass began. The kids were not close to the deceased in either case, so I thought it was a good sort of introduction to the concept of death without it being terribly sad for them. We are very lucky that all four of their own grandparents are still with us, but I cannot imagine a scenario where we would have excluded them from a grandparent's funeral.
FWIW, we attend mass weekly, so our kids are already familiar with appropriate church behavior, and we are lucky that they do not generally give us much trouble at mass, so we were able to go into it knowing they would behave appropriately. If they were the type to misbehave in church, I might take a different approach, although most likely that would just mean sitting near the back so they could be easily taken out as needed. Our moms (the daughters of the deceased) were very happy to have the kids at the funerals as that sort of reminder that life goes on, etc. |
Anonymous
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We brought ours from birth to the funerals of their great grandparents. Our parents (their grandparents) had a lot of comfort in them being there.
It is a lot of work however. When it was dhs family I ran defense. I had coloring books, iPads, snacks, drinks. I made sure everyone was dressed and in good moods (I have 3 kids). Dh did the same for me. All of the family enjoyed seeing the youngest generation. It’s nice to see the deceased’s genes living on. That being said, if it’s your parents funeral, you do what you want. Get a babysitter for the entire day to act as a nanny. Most churches have cry rooms with toys. And during the repast they can help feed the kids and make sure they have everything in the crowds of people. |
Anonymous
| I've always brought kids, no matter the age. If they are antsy during the service, I take them outside. I love seeing kids at funerals. It reminds people that life goes on. |
Anonymous
| We’ve always taken our kids. |
Anonymous
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2 years old. My grandmother's funeral was in Europe and my grandfather's funeral was in Asia. We flew out both times, when my son was 2. The Japanese funeral rites involve picking up some of the deceased's bones with ceremonial chopsticks after the cremation. DS didn't turn a hair and was quiet the whole time. We've had other funerals since, all in Europe, and we've always brought our children. As PP said, I have found that the presence of children comforts the attendees. |
Anonymous
For you or your spouse’s parent, I would pull the kids from school and have everyone go. For your or your spouse’s grandparent (so the kids great-grandparents), I’d be flexible and see what made sense at the time. It’s just a much more distant relationship for everyone, and the kids are likely to be very young in that scenario. |
Anonymous
| If we are attending the kids would attend. I think my mom’s mom died when the kids ( we have twins) were 1 and they both attended. I don’t see a reason why you would keep kids away from a funeral. It was harder for all of us when my dad died and the kids were 7, but I think it is ok for kids to be sad and to see adults being sad as well. |
Anonymous
Same. Our 2 yr old was at his grandma’s funeral. A teenage cousin managed to sit with him on a little step away from the crowd and play with rocks quietly during the service in the cemetery. |
Anonymous
OP thanks yes this is what I’m thinking. It’s just our kids are different ages and personalities, we’d need to decide either all the kids travel or all stay home, but I don’t think one of our DDs would be able for a funeral. She’s incredibly sensitive and I think it would be very upsetting for her, which would make it difficult for everyone. But I wouldn’t have anyone to leave her with if we were to travel. |
Anonymous
OP - thanks. When my own grandfather Died his body was laid out for days at his home and we all had to be there. |
Anonymous
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First grandparent died when kids were 4 and 1, didn't bring them. Both spouses went and we got a sitter.
Second grandparent, kids were 11 and 8, and they both attended and understood. |