Enforcing manners

[Anonymous]

I was raised in a household where we were expected to say please/thank you, fine-thanks-how-are-you, etc. I'm sure when we were young I was prompted to say it if I didn't but don't really remember. I've been trying to follow the model of demonstrating rather than forcing my kids to say these things, partly because my 4yo does not really respond to prompts anyway. DD can be very bubbly when she warms up to people but she has a shy side as well. My 7yo generally says please/thank you and responds to hellos on his own now.

One of the teachers at her preschool always says good morning when we come in, I respond and ask her how she is, but if my 4yo doesn't respond the teacher will say "hello Larla" again. 4yo often still doesn't say anything. I get the sense that teacher is annoyed by this, sometimes she'll say "hello Larla" yet again. Not really sure how to respond. This morning I did say quietly to DD, "can you say hi to Ms. Brown?" and she just shook her head and hugged me goodbye.

Am I in the wrong for not setting this expectation that she responds to adults when addressed? When the other teacher is there we don't go through this charade.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your DD and make sure she knows what she's supposed to be saying and how to say it. Sometimes kids just need it explained to them plainly. I'm shy too. It's okay to ask shy people to step out of their shells.

I think the teacher just wants to let you know that they are trying to teach manners. It's not just a charade.

[Anonymous]

For my 3yo, I find that prepping her ahead of time works best. When I see someone who generally says good morning to us at the other end of the block, I say something like "Are you going to say 'Good morning' to Mr Smith?" and about 75% of the time she's really excited and says good morning (then immediately turns and tells me she said good morning lol). If I don't prompt or wait to prompt until he's saying good morning to us she almost never says it. Not perfect but encourages good manners with some success and avoids a power struggle about something I don't consider essential.

Please and thank you I'm pushier about -- I will insist on please before letting her have a requested item and I will almost always prompt on thank you. But I am generally more lax about even this if she's overtired/miserable for whatever reason. I want manners to be matter-of-course not something that turns into a massive power struggle.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the teacher is teaching and everything is fine. There’s a lot of failures on the way to success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the teacher is teaching and everything is fine. There’s a lot of failures on the way to success.

Except for the teacher "seems annoyed" part, but maybe that's more of OP's interpretation than reality. I agree with the advice to prep them ahead of time, more effective than putting them on the spot.

[Anonymous]

I would probably reply myself "Good Morning Mrs Brown" or "Larla says good morning to you too"

[Anonymous]

You should teach your child to greet adults when appropriate. It’s not just school— if she goes to Grandmas house she should greet Grandma, etc. It sounds like your teacher is trying to help build that foundation and your supporting it at home will wind up with a better-mannered child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should teach your child to greet adults when appropriate. It’s not just school— if she goes to Grandmas house she should greet Grandma, etc. It sounds like your teacher is trying to help build that foundation and your supporting it at home will wind up with a better-mannered child.

Yeah I would take this more of a lesson for *you* the parent- they are trying to fill the gap you have missed and politely telling you that you need to step up and teach these things.

We let our kids opt out of contact greetings like hugs or kisses though, which I think is a healthy boundary for them to have. They are free to wave and say hi/bye or give high-fives.

[Anonymous]

I would ask your child, during a low-key moment, why she doesn’t respond to that teacher. Give her plenty of wait time and say that you are not mad, just wondering. It could be that it’s part of separating from you, and she doesn’t want to, or there could be something about this teacher in particular. You can role play at home, and praise when she does respond, and say that’s what big kids do. I’m curious about her reasons. You might have to ask a couple of times over a couple of days before you get an answer. She might not know.

You can always pretend that you know a little boy who never said hi to his teacher in the morning and you wonder if your kid has a guess about why that is. Your kid might be willing to answer if it doesn’t seem directly about him.

[Anonymous]

I have a shyer four year old. Our rule is she must greet an adult who greets her, in a verbal or nonverbal way. So, she can easily say hi/good morning/bye or if not comfortable she can wave, do a fist bump, or give a smile. When she refused to respond to someone, I used to explain it away by saying “oh, she’s shy!” until DD picked up on that and began using the statement “I didn’t say hi because I’m shy” or “Can’t say thank you, I’m shy!” I don’t want her having that label and def not using it as an excuse to get out of being polite. So now she does a high five or smile if she “can’t” reply politely. It’s still teaching respect, manners, and communication skills, which is the goal.

[Anonymous]

I personally find that trying to force a greeting from a shy child makes it worse because then they feel put on the spot. I just keep demonstrating how to greet and engage people and seek ways to incorporate my shy 5 yo in the conversation without putting them on the spot. So if they avoid eye contact with the teacher or don’t greet a relative, I’ll greet and then say something like “Larla and I were just talking about how excited we are for warm weather this weekend— how about you?” This can often help my kid find her voice. I think with time and enough opportunities, she’ll get there.