Emotional support

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have a (functioning) adult partner (spouse or long term relationship) and your parents are in decline, how does this make you feel? Does it make you feel lonely? I thought that I got over the profound loneliness of having a spouse who has basically checked out of life and maybe suffering from intellectual decline as well as my remaining, beloved parent, descending with dementia. I try to ensure that I don’t rely on my teenage DC, who I sometimes think is the only sane person in this family. It wouldn’t be fair to them. How to you cope if you’re in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have a (functioning) adult partner (spouse or long term relationship) and your parents are in decline, how does this make you feel? Does it make you feel lonely? I thought that I got over the profound loneliness of having a spouse who has basically checked out of life and maybe suffering from intellectual decline as well as my remaining, beloved parent, descending with dementia. I try to ensure that I don’t rely on my teenage DC, who I sometimes think is the only sane person in this family. It wouldn’t be fair to them. How to you cope if you’re in this situation?

^ to clarify, I have to talk to my beloved mom as if she were a preschooler. Anything beyond that goes over her head. The smallest thing, she takes so personally and starts crying. My DH is no support - helices his life as if he were another child I have to take care of. No financial or emotional contributions to the family. I feel like screaming.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry you are going through this. I had declining parents (and have one still alive) while spouse was very ill. I could not have survived it without exercise, therapy and finding ways to laugh. I developed a pretty deranged sense of humor, but I also had traditional humor with friends. You know it's bad when even your therapist is wondering how on earth you haven't had a nervous breakdown yet. Spouse is better, but I have a lot of stressors right now and there was one day I got some really bad news and I thought "this is it, I am going down. Here comes the nervous breakdown." I was just so overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, frustration and every negative emotion. I got out weights are started lifting like crazy. I then danced to my favorite high energy music. Something about the heavy breathing, movement and my ridiculous dance moves trying to burn energy without having talent and I just felt better. I decided "Nope...not today Satan! I'm not going down! I'm gonna see this through and I'm gonna be OK! I am not going to fall apart!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have a (functioning) adult partner (spouse or long term relationship) and your parents are in decline, how does this make you feel? Does it make you feel lonely? I thought that I got over the profound loneliness of having a spouse who has basically checked out of life and maybe suffering from intellectual decline as well as my remaining, beloved parent, descending with dementia. I try to ensure that I don’t rely on my teenage DC, who I sometimes think is the only sane person in this family. It wouldn’t be fair to them. How to you cope if you’re in this situation?

^ to clarify, I have to talk to my beloved mom as if she were a preschooler. Anything beyond that goes over her head. The smallest thing, she takes so personally and starts crying. My DH is no support - helices his life as if he were another child I have to take care of. No financial or emotional contributions to the family. I feel like screaming.

I just posted, but my mom manifests her decline with rage and I am her favorite target. So I have to talk to her like she has borderline personality disorder. I have to stay boring and neutral and not share anything that can and will be used against me. Mine takes small things personally too, but instead of crying she rips me a new one. So I can't exactly relate to your situation except that I don't have a mother who is a support and it's a ton of work just interacting with her and it takes me a looong time to recuperate from most interactions.

My heart goes out to you OP. I hope therapy, dance, humor and exercise can bring you the sanity that they bring me. I am cheering you on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have a (functioning) adult partner (spouse or long term relationship) and your parents are in decline, how does this make you feel? Does it make you feel lonely? I thought that I got over the profound loneliness of having a spouse who has basically checked out of life and maybe suffering from intellectual decline as well as my remaining, beloved parent, descending with dementia. I try to ensure that I don’t rely on my teenage DC, who I sometimes think is the only sane person in this family. It wouldn’t be fair to them. How to you cope if you’re in this situation?

^ to clarify, I have to talk to my beloved mom as if she were a preschooler. Anything beyond that goes over her head. The smallest thing, she takes so personally and starts crying. My DH is no support - helices his life as if he were another child I have to take care of. No financial or emotional contributions to the family. I feel like screaming.

Hi OP,
I am so very sorry about your mom. That sounds very, very hard and lonely. A few suggestions. I’d start living your life like you are single, in terms of emotional support. It sounds like your husband has dropped the rope, so I would suggest that you do the same. He may not be able to support you but he shouldn’t stand in the way of you finding support where you have it. Do you have neighbors that you like? A hobby that you enjoy? A group of fellow joggers? Friends from college that have moved back to DC and you haven’t been able to reconnect with? Can you volunteer at the food distribution center? Attend a free music performance in your neighborhood? Just a little bit of human connection will really help. Then, I’d suggest a child support group through the Alzheimers Association. And, when you have the emotional space, maybe talk to a therapist about whether being lonely in your marriage is really worse than being alone.