Caring for Relative in Another City

[Anonymous]

I have an aunt who is widowed and childless. I will likely be responsible for managing her care at some point in the future. She lives several states away from me. We do not have much of a relationship as she cut me off for decades because she did not get along with my mother. Now she is alone and is scared about how she will manage now that her health is deteriorating.

What’s the best way to handle caregiving for relatives in this situation? I don’t want to move her close to me because DH and I relocate every couple of years for work. I also do not want to have her in my home because I think there is untreated mental illness involved, hence her estrangement with all other relatives.

Should I find housing for her and periodically visit? What about when she has a health emergency? I can’t be there quickly. She might need to start dialysis soon. What do people do in these situations?

[Anonymous]

If she cut you off, why are you assuming the caregiver role? Do NOT jump in.

[Anonymous]

She can hire people to manage everything. That's what she needs to do while still cognitively capable. She also needs to move herself to a CCRC. She can create a checks and balances with accountant and lawyer and care manager. There are plenty of people who have to hire a team to manage. If you want to visit, then yes visit. Some people cannot even safely visit their own parents because of what happens with dementia so they manage it from a distance.

[Anonymous]

Is she asking for help? If not leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking for help? If not leave her alone.

Yes, she is asking for help. I opened the door when I called to tell her of my mother’s passing. She doesn’t have anyone else and no one else in the family wants anything to do with her. I feel obligated because we were close when I was a child.

To the PP who suggested a care team - how would this work if she doesn’t have significant assets? She will have a net worth around $200-300K. Would that be enough to get her into a situation where she can stay until she passes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking for help? If not leave her alone.

Yes, she is asking for help. I opened the door when I called to tell her of my mother’s passing. She doesn’t have anyone else and no one else in the family wants anything to do with her. I feel obligated because we were close when I was a child.

To the PP who suggested a care team - how would this work if she doesn’t have significant assets? She will have a net worth around $200-300K. Would that be enough to get her into a situation where she can stay until she passes?

Oh, yeah care team is for those with more money. She needs to start exploring her options through the council on aging. You have to figure out your boundaries. Therapy for you might be good. Have you been though the aging mess with your own parents? If you had an easy go, you might not know how bad it can get. You need to figure out where you draw the line and be upfront with her ASAP so she plans accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Look into something like this as an option:
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

[Anonymous]

***She doesn’t have anyone else and no one else in the family wants anything to do with her. I feel obligated***

You need to think really hard about this. Caregiving is hard enough when there is real affection and a connection.
You are not, in fact, obligated to assume care for an elderly, possibly mentally ill person who has had little contact with you.
What exactly does she want? Is she asking for help with housing, for example?
What are your limits? What will you go and not do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can hire people to manage everything. That's what she needs to do while still cognitively capable. She also needs to move herself to a CCRC. She can create a checks and balances with accountant and lawyer and care manager. There are plenty of people who have to hire a team to manage. If you want to visit, then yes visit. Some people cannot even safely visit their own parents because of what happens with dementia so they manage it from a distance.

Hiring a care team, an account and a lawyer is for those who have enough money.

Just imagine the situation if the aunt were broke or had only, say, 5k in her bank account.

[Anonymous]

You can help her find a nursing home she can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:***She doesn’t have anyone else and no one else in the family wants anything to do with her. I feel obligated***

You need to think really hard about this. Caregiving is hard enough when there is real affection and a connection.
You are not, in fact, obligated to assume care for an elderly, possibly mentally ill person who has had little contact with you.
What exactly does she want? Is she asking for help with housing, for example?
What are your limits? What will you go and not do?

Op here. She’s unhappy living alone in an area where she knows no one. She wants to be near family, but no one wants her near them because of her past behavior. I know she’s worried about what will happen to her when she becomes incapacitated. She was in a bad car accident recently, which hit home on this issue for her. She relied on neighbors to help, but that will eventually get old. I’m concerned because they also told her that she can put their names on her bank accounts, as well as list them as emergency contacts. That is what really raised red flags for me. I don’t know these neighbors and this is not a well-to-do area.

She would like to be out of her house where she has some supports, if needed. I would ideally like to help her determine if selling her house and moving into an apartment somewhere with the next stop being in a nursing home is feasible for her. I mentioned above she will have about $200-300K net worth after selling her house, so I assume she would eventually need to go to a Medicaid nursing home. My question is, what happens between now (where she lives independently in her own home) and when she would go to a nursing home. She will not live with me and I will not support her financially. I can give her a fixed amount to help her get set up somewhere, but long term financial assistance isn’t feasible. How can I help her in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can help her find a nursing home she can afford.

She’s not ready for that, yet. I would like to start taking steps to prepare her for that when the time comes. She’s currently a homeowner and is worried about not having anyone nearby she can rely on for help.

[Anonymous]

Tread carefully. My mentally ill mother calls nieces and other family and neighbors with these kind of requests all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:***She doesn’t have anyone else and no one else in the family wants anything to do with her. I feel obligated***

You need to think really hard about this. Caregiving is hard enough when there is real affection and a connection.
You are not, in fact, obligated to assume care for an elderly, possibly mentally ill person who has had little contact with you.
What exactly does she want? Is she asking for help with housing, for example?
What are your limits? What will you go and not do?

Op here. She’s unhappy living alone in an area where she knows no one. She wants to be near family, but no one wants her near them because of her past behavior. I know she’s worried about what will happen to her when she becomes incapacitated. She was in a bad car accident recently, which hit home on this issue for her. She relied on neighbors to help, but that will eventually get old. I’m concerned because they also told her that she can put their names on her bank accounts, as well as list them as emergency contacts. That is what really raised red flags for me. I don’t know these neighbors and this is not a well-to-do area.

She would like to be out of her house where she has some supports, if needed. I would ideally like to help her determine if selling her house and moving into an apartment somewhere with the next stop being in a nursing home is feasible for her. I mentioned above she will have about $200-300K net worth after selling her house, so I assume she would eventually need to go to a Medicaid nursing home. My question is, what happens between now (where she lives independently in her own home) and when she would go to a nursing home. She will not live with me and I will not support her financially. I can give her a fixed amount to help her get set up somewhere, but long term financial assistance isn’t feasible. How can I help her in this situation?

If you have no contact, she can contact you if she wants to. Otherwise, let her deal with it. You don't need to financially help her. Do not let neighbors put their name on the bank account. We had that and the people stole all the money. If you want, offer to help.