If one of your parents abused you, did you tell your siblings?

[Anonymous]

My father abused me. He did a good job of making me feel like his partner in crime and I kept it secret my entire life.

Both of my parents died years ago.

I’ve been having urges to tell my siblings but I’m not sure why I’m having thee urges and I’m not sure if I should act on them.

If you’ve been in this situation yourself, what did you do? What would you have done differently (if anything?). Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I'm so sorry, OP. That has been a terrible burden for you to carry all these years.

Before you take this step, I would encourage you to talk with a therapist about this so you can talk through what you feel comfortable disclosing and what their potential responses might be. Sharing this information might be very healing for you, but people's responses vary from compassion to denial and it's good to work through the scenarios beforehand with a neutral party.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I told my sibling. She proceeded to leave her children with my parents when they were young.

I think if there are now or will be young children in your family, you have an obligation to disclose the abuse to protect them. However, be prepared for a wide variety of reactions. I highly recommend finding a therapist to help you. Fwiw, I believe you and I'm sorry you were hurt.

[Anonymous]

He saw it - there was no need to tell him because he knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I told my sibling. She proceeded to leave her children with my parents when they were young.

I think if there are now or will be young children in your family, you have an obligation to disclose the abuse to protect them. However, be prepared for a wide variety of reactions. I highly recommend finding a therapist to help you. Fwiw, I believe you and I'm sorry you were hurt.

The OP's abuser died years ago. Are you suggesting that the OP's siblings are potential abusers of young children in the family?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. You did not deserve this.
In my case, my abuser was alive & had the potential to abuse others - so I felt it was absolutely necessary.
In your situation, I would talk to a therapist to discuss all of the angles.
There is something about being honest that helps let go. But, weigh that against the cost you may incur, like the loss of a relationship with your siblings if they cannot move out of their current view of your parents.
My sympathies OP, take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I am curious... how old were you?

I was 14 when my dad tried this. I said no, fought back like hel! And told my mom.

He never tried that crap again.

I didn't have siblings so nothing. But I never told my friends or husband.

I am sorry you went through this.

[Anonymous]

Yes and she minimized it and gaslit me. We are not in touch anymore.

[Anonymous]

It is very common for this trauma to keep coming up until we deal with it. I told one sibling when I was 50 and she’s been completely supportive. This was after a year of therapy that I had off for over thirty years. It’s so hard to move on, mine was like trying to hold a beach ball under water as it kept coming back up.

[Anonymous]

There is a chance that your siblings were also abused and they too thought they were the only ones and guarding a secret.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and it didn’t mean anything to them.

My sexual abuser works in healthcare and sometimes works as a school nurse and is a beloved member of their community and I am just at a loss with what I could have done differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for this trauma to keep coming up until we deal with it. I told one sibling when I was 50 and she’s been completely supportive. This was after a year of therapy that I had off for over thirty years. It’s so hard to move on, mine was like trying to hold a beach ball under water as it kept coming back up.

This is how it feels for me. I really want to tell my siblings and I keep shoving that urge down because I don't want to cause them pain. I can't figure out why I want to tell them so much, it's just a strong urge that keeps getting stronger.

[Anonymous]

One of my brother's kids told a few relatives when he was an adult that my brother abused him as a child. When word got around, some of us immediately believed him, others buried their heads in the sand and pretended not to hear it, and other didn't believe him for a second and painted him a liar.