Need suggestions for a polite way to decline a friend's offer to host a baby shower

[Anonymous]

I am expecting baby #2 and a friend has offer to host a shower, but I really do not want one. First, its my second and the few items that I need we can easily buy. Second, I have not been in DC for a long time and only have a list of 4 or 5 women (inlcuding the host) that I would feel comfortable inviting (unless it were a no gift party). Third most my really close friends are still on the west coast and I would not expect them to travel to DC for a baby shower for #2. I tried to avoid the issue but she called me about an hour ago asking for a list of names and a list of items that I need (I made it clear that I have not and do not intend to register). How do I get her to back off with damaging a new and promising friendship?

[Anonymous]

If you find it impossible to talk her out of hosting a shower you could do what I did with #2 (when I had two good friends demanding that they host a shower)...I requested that it be a diaper/formula shower. Gifts were not expected, but if someone did want to bring something diapers and formula were suggested. The invite had some cute poem that basically conveyed the message without being tacky. The way it was summed up was essentially "come celebrate the good news with me and if you feel compelled to bring a gift due to social norms just stop by CVS or Safeway on the way to the shower." It really was a fun shower...more focused on women engaging rather than focused on gifts, games and goofiness.

[Anonymous]

I would say that you'd be happy to have a no-gift party to celebrate, maybe even after the baby is born. I think a 'meet the baby' party comes with less of a gift expectation than a shower (so it might be easier to get that message across). Some people will always give a gift, and some people will bring cards.

I have always used 'the gift of your presence is all that is required' with our celebrations (graduations, wedding, birthdays) and that's worked out fine.

[Anonymous]

i'd just say "thank you so much, that's so nice of you!!! honestly why don't we just call so and so and go out for a girl's tea party to celebrate? i already have a bunch of stuff to sort through for #2 I'd rather spend quality time with you girls instead"

[Anonymous]

I would just call her back and say, "You know, I've been thinking about it, and you are so sweet to want to host a shower, but I really think I don't want to have one this time around" and then tell her what you told us -- don't need anything, not going to register, a lot of people couldn't come, etc. If she persists, tell her what you really want is to just go out to lunch with a few people, no gifts, or have a meet-the-baby drop-in at your house after the baby comes. She should get the hint.

[Anonymous]

Well, part of the fun of a shower is getting together before things get crazy for you - presumably you'll drop off the social radar for at least a month or two. So how about you say, "Well, since I still have everything from #1, I don't think I really need a shower - but what I would like is to get together for lunch with a few friends. How does that sound?" And then let her just e-mail people about getting together for lunch sometime, not a baby shower. Sounds like she really wants to do something nice for you

[Anonymous]

How about a small luncheon at a restaurant?

[Anonymous]

My girl friends did a "shower" for all 4 of my pregnancies. The first was a typical shower. The other three were us all going out to the restaurant of my choice (whatever I was craving). The other ladies split the bill to cover my food and they usually all chipped in for a gift card to Target.

I would call her back and say what another pp said. We have so much stuff from #1 so I don't need a traditional shower but I would just love to spend some time with my friends. Would you mind organizing lunch at _____ because I've been craving _____.

That will give her the chance to be the host and do something nice for you without all the typical "shower gifts".

I'm a firm believer that you should celebrate each baby. You just don't need a "shower" to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a firm believer that you should celebrate each baby. You just don't need a "shower" to do it.

I agree!

[Anonymous]

I like all of these ideas. With #1, we did not have a shower b/c we are superstitious, but my sisters and nieces wanted to do something. So, we had a tea and they brought little gag gifts. It was fun to catch up without all the gifts. So, I think you could come up with some way to meet your friend part way. Maybe the diaper/formula thing. Or maybe everyone can bring onsies? Or burpers. Things that you know got messed up from the first kid and are small, but allow people to still have fun.