Mom inserts herself into everything

[Anonymous]

DCUM, please help me figure out how to move forward with my mom - I'm really struggling after our Christmas visit.

For context, my parents are amazing grandparents and love me and DH, but there is a lot of dysfunction in our family as well. They live a very chaotic life and tend to give a lot of advice/judgments - think immigrant parent stereotypes to an unhealthy extreme. This often ends in screaming matches, but I am really reluctant to cut contact because there is so much good.

At Christmas, I was really determined to avoid blowout fights. I did my best to stay calm, take breaks when needed, accept their chronic lateness (they showed up at 3AM lol), let the advice roll off me, etc. They were also trying to keep the peace.

It worked to a degree. There were no big blowups during the 4-day visit and many magical moments throughout. But I noticed a deeper issue that triggered me intensely.

I realized that my mom always has to be the center of attention and participate in every conversation. For example, I'd ask my husband when he was running out to get XYZ, and she'd loudly tell us what he should do before he even had a chance to speak. If I went to a different room with another family member, she'd inevitably follow us and insert herself in the conversation or activity. She tried ordering my husband around about what chores to do even when he said no. It goes without saying that she was constantly ordering my dad and grandparents around as well, and answering questions they had asked me, not letting me get a word in. Whenever we were leaving the house, she would start dressing my kids or telling them to get changed because she didn't like what they were wearing.

I think she's always been this way, but it just hit me now because I worked so hard to stay in touch with my emotions. And/or it's gotten worse over time.

I politely asked her over a dozen times to please stop. I expressed that this was hurtful to me. She would agree and then do it again minutes later and laugh like "I guess I just can't help it!" OR say "I just love you guys SO MUCH, you know I do it out of love." This happened over and over and over throughout the visit.

I spoke to my dad and he said she's always like that and it can't be helped. They have a rocky relationship but mutually decided they can't be bothered to get divorced so they're just tolerating each other for a while now.

My question is: is this the type of thing that I can / should learn to put up with as well? I'm torn because, again, there was a lot of good in the visit / in the relationship, but the bad behavior happened often as well. And it just seems so so absurd that she repeatedly cuts in and answers my questions to my husband or my husband's questions to me. Should I make an ultimatum about her changing this (or at least making intermediate steps like going to therapy or joining a club or something -- anything to find other people to talk to who aren't her immediate family?) My mom always says, "we should accept people the way they are, especially old people, since it's harder for them to change". But where is the line between acceptable and unacceptable? At what point do her loud remarks and interruptions sour the whole family experience?

[Anonymous]

It depends: How often do you see her? And for how long?

What are some ways you can mitigate the obnoxious behavior? For example, can they stay at a hotel? When you visit them, you can stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

I think teaching your kids to say "Thanks but Mom and Dad said I can wear this/look fine/can go here" is going to be useful for them. Teach them to assert boundaries. For you, when she answers a question you've been asked just wait for her to finish speaking and then say "Actually I'm making broccoli and rice pilaf with the chicken." "Actually we're dropping Bianca off first and THEN going ice skating." If she tells an adult what to do in their own home, I think they're fine to ignore her and just carry on as they would. If she goes to follow you into a room you can gently close the door while saying "No Mom, this is a conversation I need to have with Katie alone right now. Excuse us," and then shut the door in her face.

[Anonymous]

Short visits only… it’s going to be really hard (impossible!) for her to change long-engrained behavior especially since she likely will refute she even does it.

My MIL inserts herself also. She has good intentions, so I’m not so triggered. But I have come to be straight forward with her: I say, please if we wanted your opinion, we’d ask.

It quiets her. I make sure to be normal friendly after, as I don’t want our relationship to sour.

[Anonymous]

This is the case where lowering the frequency and duration of visits really helps, OP. You love your family, they love you, absence makes the heart grow fonder and more able to overlook social irritants like your mother.

This is my case as well. I literally escaped my mother's smothering and interference in my life by going to the US for grad school. I stayed in the US with my husband and kids. We only visit my parents in Europe for short periods of time, and not every year. And when we do, we're so happy to see each other! But I know I'd start hating her again if we lived closer or saw each other more often...