Annual Christmas meltdown- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Mom has a pre-Christmas meltdown every year where she feels like she has too much to do and too little time. It usually presents itself with tears and lashing out at certain family members (unfairly) and castigating them for not “doing enough “. The thing is, no one is asking her to do the million little things on her to do list. If anything, her meltdowns make everyone adamant about not wanting a huge elaborate Christmas - which makes mom seemingly want it more because she ends up feeling like she’s a martyr for the cause of Christmas (if she didn’t plan an elaborate Christmas, she feels there would be no Christmas celebration at all …. Which is just not true.) All family members are helpful but generally more interested in spending time together rather than having a packed agenda of “Christmas” to dos (mostly centered around adding additional decorations to the already well decorated house and cooking a bunch of last minute food that will go to waste because there is already plenty).

[Anonymous]

Tell us what exactly she does for Christmas? I’m interested.

[Anonymous]

“Hey mom, it’s great if you want to do All the Things, but we’re not pushing for an elaborate Christmas. I’m willing to do X, Y, and Z—as I promised. But anything else, that’s not where I am right now. I can’t change your stress level, but I can reassure you that we don’t have to go over the top to have a great Christmas.”

[Anonymous]

Do you live with her? If not, let calls go to voicemail. Tell her you can help for 3 hours on a Saturday. Then ignore the rest.

[Anonymous]

I would have some real talk with her in early January. "Mom, you seemed really stressed and upset this year. I think we need to talk about it. I'd much rather spend time with you relaxing than do all this decorating and cooking. It isn't important to me to have a lot of decorations. Your happiness and our time together is what's important to me." Then shut your trap see what she says. Loooooooong awkward pause. Listen to her random "reasons" and make eye contact while you let her talk and think aloud, without interrupting or responding to her. Then say "Let's pick the most important things and do them together. The rest of them, I think we should take a year off from."

[Anonymous]

Have the celebration elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have the celebration elsewhere.

This is the way. It was a tough sell the first year but now my mom is all “I slaved away for years and now it’s someone else’s turn!”

[Anonymous]

"Mom, this happens every year. You get upset and stressed. Make a list next Sept. 1 and then plan when you can get each item done.."

[Anonymous]

The person(s) that she is unfairly lashing out at need to grow a spine and shut that nonsense down. “So you’re upset that I’m not helping you do something I never signed up for. And you’re upset with me because you chose to stay up all night making the Christmas goose and gingerbread house modeled after Windsor Castle. No ma’am. You’re riding the martyr train alone this year. Life is too short for your nonsense.” Then they need to walk out and stay in a hotel for a day or so. Get a massage. Just don’t play into that martyr crap.

[Anonymous]

It’s too late now OP. Someone needs to talk to her just after Christmas about this pattern and now it actually makes Christmas worse, not better. Then identify ways the family can scale back or help.

But I think the idea that someone else hosts is the best idea.

Another thing: look at what “traditions” people take for granted. How much work are those traditions for your mother? Can everyone agree to drop them?

My MIL is like this. Having someone else host helps immensely. Also breaking my FIL of all his silly ideas of “must haves”. It turned out a lot of the pressure was from him, but she blamed it on everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I doubt she can be reasoned with. I feel like the people with polite scripts do not deal with this type of parent.

OP, you have to emotionally disengage. That’s all, and it’s extremely difficult.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go. Spend Christmas with your immediate family, at your house.

[Anonymous]

You either move the celebration to someone else's house, accept the situation (including the annual meltdown) or you have to have a group intervention sometime in the Fall, like September or October, to talk to her about the amount of planning and details and what family is willing to do vs what she chooses to do.

There is no way to handle this now or in the next few months. You need to do it before the holiday season gets underway and frame it for "this year, let's..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt she can be reasoned with. I feel like the people with polite scripts do not deal with this type of parent.

OP, you have to emotionally disengage. That’s all, and it’s extremely difficult.

Yup. If this woman had the ability to not meltdown, she'd have done it already. She probably has ADHD, gets hyperfocused on a few ridiculous things, and can't get her act together.

[Anonymous]

Someone always had a meltdown in my family around Christmas for one reaspn or another, and now as an adult and a mom I sometimes do too, especially if I'm hosting or having a stressful time at work. It's just a time of high expectations and emotions for some people. Maybe my whole family is dysfunctional, but at this point rather than ruining Christmas I view it as a bump in the road where someone's "having big emotions," like we'd say for a toddler. Your mom is having big emotions. Validate kindly and move on.