Anyone had very senior parents decide to divorce?

[Anonymous]

Mom is 81 and dad is 82. They’ve been married for almost 60 years. Mom wants a divorce. She has resented my dad for years (he worked a lot and my mom did all the child rearing). Now that he is home full time she says she just can’t take it anymore. My dad is devastated. No papers have been drawn up yet but I really think it’s just a matter of time. My siblings and I just don’t know what to do, how to support them. Anyone been in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

[Anonymous]

Did your dad just retire?

Or if not, is it possible one of them is experiencing a cognitive change that is creating this issue?

My mom went through this but they were 60/70. She was nasty for a while and spent year traveling alone for various holidays, but they both found their groove and it's fine now.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but affairs and other issues were involved.

[Anonymous]

I’d check for cognitive issues, and see if both can have their own space.

Honestly, a lot of people go through this whenever retirement hits. So for your parents it’s very late. OK.

[Anonymous]

Did your dad just retire?

Or if not, is it possible your mom (or dad) is experiencing a cognitive issue (irritability, or something else) that is causing this emotion/reaction?

My parents went through this when my dad retired, but they were more like 60/70, and my mom got f it after a period of being pretty nasty and both of them their groove.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Dad retired a couple years ago. Dad has some cognitive deficits, but age appropriate. Mom is still very sharp. I’m sure the cognitive difference between the two of them plays a role in this decision. I’m sad for both of them and I don’t think divorce is the solution. But my mom has a lawyer now and this is so sad watch it play out. Is there anything that adult children can do in this situation? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Encourage your Mom to spend half the day apart. On a regular basis. Right now there is too much togetherness. Mom needs enough independent time to realize he's not holding her back from anything.

Does she cook for him? Grocery shop for him? Laundry? He should do it or hire out. Cleaning, hire out.

[Anonymous]

Since he has age-related cognitive deficits and wasn't the homemaker, I'd be helping him settle into an independent living situation.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably really tired of having to take care of everything home and family related without his support, and now that he’s retired having to take care of him as well. The suggestion of helping him settle into independent living is good. She deserves some peace.

[Anonymous]

Would she want to stay married if they live apart?

[Anonymous]

It seems like a lot of money to waste given that they are not far from moving into assisted living anyway, or dying. Once they are assisted living they usually get their own rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since he has age-related cognitive deficits and wasn't the homemaker, I'd be helping him settle into an independent living situation.

This. Focus on helping your dad be set up properly. Including making sure he has a good lawyer to represent his interests.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this play out and it’s not good. They waste a ton of money on lawyers, dad meets someone new and gets married in a year. He dies a few years later and 100% of his estate goes to his new hot wife.

I’d encourage your mom to travel, stay with her kids, make new hobbies. My mom is also really upset at having to take care of my dad. She asks when her retirement is coming because she gets no downtime and he doesn’t do any chores or cook. Sigh.