mom having trouble with home repairs and Dr. appts.

[Anonymous]

She hasn't called a plumber to fix her sink for months and keeps saying she's going to fix it herself but not. She goes to her regularly scheduled doctors appts but will say she should make an appt. to get a referral for PT but then not. Her excuse is that she's too busy. But she's not. She objects to me calling the plumber and doesn't want anyone helping her schedule medical stuff. She's really, really stubborn. I feel like the only thing I can do is remind her and ask her to take care of stuff. I don't live nearby. Any advice? She's been like this for years.

[Anonymous]

You don't live nearby. So, guessing she talks about this stuff on the phone. She may just not have much to talk about.

[Anonymous]

You can hire a geriatric social worker or case manager to check on her and see how she is handling independent living, but she has to agree to let the person in the door. There are services where they can basically help you age in place and pay their people to help, but while they sell you the moon it is very flawed when your parent needs major help. That said, you at least need someone who can assess how dire things are.

Also, I have found that I drove myself nuts with trying to parent a parent who didn't want to be parented, but yet wanted attention and was highly controlling. If the parent is considered cognitively OK, and is stubborn and difficult sometimes you just have to let them make mistakes. It might mean the parent doesn't get proper health care or falls down the steps. You try to help. You try to make life safe, but a person who is cognitively OK is allowed to make poor decisions as long as they don't jeopardize te safety of others. You take the car keys and endure the tantrums and insults (or maybe it's just in my family) when it's time so they don't kill anyone, but they are allowed to take major risks with their own lives sadly.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. We visit 2-3 times a year and I have a sibling who lives closer and sees her every couple months. I really feel like I'm trying to parent someone who doesn't want it . Ugh.

[Anonymous]

OP, elderly DH relies on talking about what needs to get done rather than just writing it down, making a list. So I hear about what needs to get done all the time, everyday.

Almost all if it isn't really *that* necessary ~ just in case that makes you feel any better Op.

[Anonymous]

When our older relative moved to independent living near us, we were relieved that household things were taken care of much more easily, and we could be part of medical visits and scheduling.

[Anonymous]

It’s her sink and her PT. She’s always been this way; it’s who she is. I would think of these things as “topics of conversation” rather than “action items” and just let it go. Save your energy for when it’s really important. She’s an adult and presumably competent; let it be. She’ll take care of it when it bothers her enough to do something about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s her sink and her PT. She’s always been this way; it’s who she is. I would think of these things as “topics of conversation” rather than “action items” and just let it go. Save your energy for when it’s really important. She’s an adult and presumably competent; let it be. She’ll take care of it when it bothers her enough to do something about.

Or she won't and she will get worse with whatever the issue is that needs PT and there will be a flood with the sink issue. It happens and until they are deemed incompetent, not much you can do. And they will call you hysterical when things turn into emergencies that didn't need to be and I eventually had to have boundaries with that.

I envy and am happy for the friends who have parents who are still on the ball into their 80s or the parents who allow the friend to take the help and willingly move to an appropriate setting. My own mother will be the death of me with her stubbornness, rage fits and poor decisions. Somehow whenever she is in front of a neurologist she pulls it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s her sink and her PT. She’s always been this way; it’s who she is. I would think of these things as “topics of conversation” rather than “action items” and just let it go. Save your energy for when it’s really important. She’s an adult and presumably competent; let it be. She’ll take care of it when it bothers her enough to do something about.

Or she won't and she will get worse with whatever the issue is that needs PT and there will be a flood with the sink issue. It happens and until they are deemed incompetent, not much you can do. And they will call you hysterical when things turn into emergencies that didn't need to be and I eventually had to have boundaries with that.

I envy and am happy for the friends who have parents who are still on the ball into their 80s or the parents who allow the friend to take the help and willingly move to an appropriate setting. My own mother will be the death of me with her stubbornness, rage fits and poor decisions. Somehow whenever she is in front of a neurologist she pulls it together.

Omg, yes, this is what I'm afraid of. She manages day to day life ok, so she's "competent."

[Anonymous]

OP, if you really want her to move, this worked with my parents. But they were use to staying somewhere else, for the Winter. You do the leg work, research, visit places, know what she can pay. You narrow it down to 2-3 places. Then, she tours with you and you pressure that she choose. It will be "for the Winter" (... guess this would have to be done next year)

Within 3 months of moving my parents had forgotten all of their objections. As a matter of fact, the way they talked, you would have thought it was their idea. They bragged about their great idea. Yes though, it took a couple months for them to be happy. And we practically had to drag them initially.

You move them. With a minimal of their stuff. THEN, you deal with their house later ... disposing of things, selling, whatever you have the power to do.

[Anonymous]

Things like plumbing and PT appointments I would just make a list and try to knock them out when you’re visiting.

[Anonymous]

OP, that sounds like my family. I’ve noticed that wording things differently can help. I now ask them directly, how can help? And they will think about it, see that I actually want to help (and not being polite), and then they will tell me what they want me to do, and I do it. I was surprised how changing my wording brought results. Hope that helps.