Empathy and reciprocity

[Anonymous]

When do children typically start showing a little empathy or exhibiting reciprocal behaviors? DD (3 yo) is an only and likely has a social communication disorder. I don't spend enough time with other children her age to "compare," but I was wondering at what age neurotypical children would start asking questions like "are you ok" or show compassion when seeing a parent experience physical pain, wishing the parent good night at bedtime, reciprocating an "I love you" and stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Way too young. Some do, most do not. Some never do. It's all personality. But, you don't have realistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

I think my daughter would mimic those behaviors around 3 but not til 4 did I feel like she was doing these things sincerely. At 4 now if I say I have a headache she will say oh, I hope you feel better and she will bring me one of her dolls. This started fairly recently. Previously she would have been more upset I couldn’t play.

Probably varies by kid, but in general I think most toddlers are barely understanding that other humans have their own feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a variety of factors and personality. My 3YO DD with ASD is surprisingly (for me anyways, I’m still learning a lot about autism) empathetic. If someone cries she’ll stop what she’s doing, come over, and say worriedly, “x okay? X is sad!” Or if you mention you are hurt or feel sick she will say stuff like “you need a bandaid” or “you need some medicine” and sometimes try to go find that stuff. Obviously she could’ve learned a script, but she does respond. Reciprocating stuff like I love you, hugs, kisses is a bit tougher but she is doing it more naturally now and I wouldn’t force that stuff.

My DS who is neurotypical had harder moments TBH. He could be very reciprocal but had a hard time with body boundaries at 3 and listening to/recognizing that some people did not like how effusive he was being. We had to have a lot of discussions with him and intervene. Maybe around 3.75 it got better? 4?

You mention your DD “likely” has a social communication disorder. Are you in the process of getting a diagnosis? Are you asking this question because you are worried it’s another piece of evidence? If you think something is going on you should get her evaluated. I was shocked when my DD was diagnosed with ASD—it really flipped what I thought of ASD. I had some concerns which is why we had her evaluated, but I thought perhaps a language delay. Once I got over the shock, it’s been very helpful understanding who she is and what makes her unique and how to meet her where she is!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for asking this OP - as another parent with a child with (diagnosed) issues with social development, I totally relate to the desire to know how other children of the same age behave. Even though we have access to professional help, it's not always clear what is due to the disorder and what is just the age.

Our 3.5 yo's diagnosed issues are different (they manifest in certain settings but not at home), and I will say that at home where her behavior is presumably typical, I would not say she is consistently empathetic. I think if she sees that I am hurt (which is rare) she does become visibly concerned but doesn't really not how to respond or "help". Sometimes she says "I love you" back but not usually.

[Anonymous]

My 3 and 4 year olds seem to have the capacity for extreme empathy. BUT this varies a lot - if their needs aren’t being met in some way (frustrated, tired, hungry, being told to do something they don’t want to do, etc) they lack empathy to the point that I’ve worried about it in the past. So (much like adults) it depends a lot on circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a variety of factors and personality. My 3YO DD with ASD is surprisingly (for me anyways, I’m still learning a lot about autism) empathetic. If someone cries she’ll stop what she’s doing, come over, and say worriedly, “x okay? X is sad!” Or if you mention you are hurt or feel sick she will say stuff like “you need a bandaid” or “you need some medicine” and sometimes try to go find that stuff. Obviously she could’ve learned a script, but she does respond. Reciprocating stuff like I love you, hugs, kisses is a bit tougher but she is doing it more naturally now and I wouldn’t force that stuff.

My DS who is neurotypical had harder moments TBH. He could be very reciprocal but had a hard time with body boundaries at 3 and listening to/recognizing that some people did not like how effusive he was being. We had to have a lot of discussions with him and intervene. Maybe around 3.75 it got better? 4?

You mention your DD “likely” has a social communication disorder. Are you in the process of getting a diagnosis? Are you asking this question because you are worried it’s another piece of evidence? If you think something is going on you should get her evaluated. I was shocked when my DD was diagnosed with ASD—it really flipped what I thought of ASD. I had some concerns which is why we had her evaluated, but I thought perhaps a language delay. Once I got over the shock, it’s been very helpful understanding who she is and what makes her unique and how to meet her where she is!

Thank you. DD was evaluated at 2.5 but the psychologist said that it's a disorder that can only be diagnosed at 3-4 years old. I was asking because I sometimes get frustrated with the lack of "love" (DD has very low needs for affection and also gives little of it), and I was wondering if she'll ever become more affectionate. Of course I know that she loves me, and I love her regardless.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure there's a range of normal but my 3yo has recently started saying "I love you" unprompted and checking on classmates who are crying or hurt.

To be fair, she has the temperament and emotional range of a mean drunken sailor the rest of the time.

[Anonymous]

My son did this by 2.5. He was afraid of bandaids (and stickers) and saw me with a bandaid and was VERY concerned for me. When I say goodnight I love you, he says I love you too. When he accidentally kicked sand on my shoe at the playground he said sorry and wiped it off.

[Anonymous]

Some studies show that kids start showing empathy at age 2. They might offer a toy to someone crying or cry when they see someone else get hurt. But other experts say it’s not until they are 8 that they show real empathy. I think there must be a wide spectrum of normal. My NT four year old heard me let out a big sigh one day and asked me if it was hard to be a mom of 2 boys. It was a bit spooky.