14 year old DD hasn't told therapist yet about her sexuality issues.

[Anonymous]

DD has anxiety and OCD and is 14 and has been seeing a great therapist since May 2022. She really likes the therapist and has discussed social anxiety/friend issues with her. DD has struggled with some gender dysphoria, although I know she has found a place of (relative) peace now and has a girlfriend at school. Still, she has not yet told the therapist about any of these issues, or the fact she currently has a girlfriend. She does like the therapist, and says it is helpful. I haven't asked DD why she hasn't told the therapist yet, but I know she spends hours talking to school friends about these issues. Should I encourage her to share with her therapist? Just wait for her to do so on her own time, as she needs?

I would prefer she seek advice and counsel from her therapist than her other middle school friends... esp. now she has a girlfriend and that could enter into rocky territory depending on how the relationship goes.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think this is? Do you think your DD thinks the anxiety andnPCD are the cause of issues she needs help with, but her gender and sexuality aren't problems? Maybe that's a good thing, no need to go looking for trouble, if she does have romantic difficulties later there isn't really a need to "set the stage" with "BTW I date girls" in advance.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your concern she hasn’t brought up the fact that she is gay or that she is in a relationship? Would you be as concerned if her partner were male? It seems like you’re hoping therapy will turn her straight…. Perhaps you need to work out your own issues here

[Anonymous]

You can certainly encourage her to share, but at the end of the day, I'm not sure any of it will be helpful. Therapy is such a racket.

[Anonymous]

How do you know what she's discussed with her therapist?

If she's generally making progress in her therapeutic goals, I would trust her judgment (and the guidance of her therapist) to decide on what they are discussing. But when my daughter was in therapy, I would sometimes email the therapist about big issues and let the therapist ask open ended questions to give my daughter am opportunity to bring the issue up.

[Anonymous]

OP what were the goals of therapy when she started? What are the goals now?

[Anonymous]

OP how do you know what your DD is discussing or not discussing with her therapist?

[Anonymous]

She’s a minor call the therapist and talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your concern she hasn’t brought up the fact that she is gay or that she is in a relationship? Would you be as concerned if her partner were male? It seems like you’re hoping therapy will turn her straight…. Perhaps you need to work out your own issues here

You are reading way more into the OP than is warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a minor call the therapist and talk to them.

Wow. Legal but totally inappropriate. Queer people deserve control over who knows intimate details about their lives. And minors are people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your concern she hasn’t brought up the fact that she is gay or that she is in a relationship? Would you be as concerned if her partner were male? It seems like you’re hoping therapy will turn her straight…. Perhaps you need to work out your own issues here

+1,000

People talk to a therapist about things that are bothering them. Why would they discuss their girlfriend if it's not a problem? The GD might be something they wish to discuss but it would probably be related to how can they manage it for the next few years while waiting till they turn 18.

Gay people don't stop being gay. People with gender dysphoria don't stop being dysphoric. They just lie to the straight people and tell them what they want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has anxiety because her mom is suffocating her and not giving her any space. Back the hell off! You should not be so involved in what your DD is talking to her therapist about.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DC might not want to tell the therapist because she might sense the therapist would not be accepting.

My DD told her doctor about her sexuality and the doctor (a long term important person to her medical care) was not receptive and tried to talk to her as if her not being attracted to men was a result of the sexual and relationship problems. (The kind of - your dad is not a great dad that's why you're a lesbian view.) The doctor is a white cis-male therapist, so he had not background in how to talk to her about her sexuality in a healthy, accepting way and instead he pathologized her while gaslighting her to try and make her believe that he was open-minded and she was the one in denial. It was truly awful and she, with my support, "broke up" with the doctor.

Now that this is a topic of discussion between DD and me, I have been surprised how often she runs into LGBTQIA phobia and discrimination in the medical field. It's saddens me as a parent.

Rather than force her to disclose to the therapist, I would just ask her, "hey in most situations people use their therapist to talk about sexuality and relationship issues, but it seems like you haven't told Dr. Larla about your girlfriend. What's up with that?" And then listen. Maybe she thinks Dr. Larla wouldn't be receptive. Maybe she thinks Dr. Larla will tell you what she tells Dr. Larla. Maybe she thinks that you would be upset. Maybe she thinks that the therapist is only for the medical diagnoses.

At the end of the day, your goal should be to help her learn that has a right to a therapist that is accepting of all of her - sexuality included - and that it's OK to shop around for a therapist who has more understanding in her identity. It's a good thing to teach her how to engage with and move on from therapists now while she is still in your home and supported emotionally by you.

[Anonymous]

I’m gonna throw out what seems obvious to me- your 14 year old should not be dating. Not because she’s dating a girl, but a relationship at all. No one with unresolved anxiety and OCD and presumably school work is in the right place or had time for a relationship. A therapist doesn’t tell her that, you do. Or you help her understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DC might not want to tell the therapist because she might sense the therapist would not be accepting.

My DD told her doctor about her sexuality and the doctor (a long term important person to her medical care) was not receptive and tried to talk to her as if her not being attracted to men was a result of the sexual and relationship problems. (The kind of - your dad is not a great dad that's why you're a lesbian view.) The doctor is a white cis-male therapist, so he had not background in how to talk to her about her sexuality in a healthy, accepting way and instead he pathologized her while gaslighting her to try and make her believe that he was open-minded and she was the one in denial. It was truly awful and she, with my support, "broke up" with the doctor.

Now that this is a topic of discussion between DD and me, I have been surprised how often she runs into LGBTQIA phobia and discrimination in the medical field. It's saddens me as a parent.

Rather than force her to disclose to the therapist, I would just ask her, "hey in most situations people use their therapist to talk about sexuality and relationship issues, but it seems like you haven't told Dr. Larla about your girlfriend. What's up with that?" And then listen. Maybe she thinks Dr. Larla wouldn't be receptive. Maybe she thinks Dr. Larla will tell you what she tells Dr. Larla. Maybe she thinks that you would be upset. Maybe she thinks that the therapist is only for the medical diagnoses.

At the end of the day, your goal should be to help her learn that has a right to a therapist that is accepting of all of her - sexuality included - and that it's OK to shop around for a therapist who has more understanding in her identity. It's a good thing to teach her how to engage with and move on from therapists now while she is still in your home and supported emotionally by you.

NP here--thanks for the thoughtful post.. I'm another parent whose teen hadn't come out to their therapist--after some discussions with my child it was clear they didn't feel "safe" sharing the info with their therapist. We found another therapist, but I hadn't thought about using it as a teachable moment to more generally empower them to find providers that are accepting. A good life lesson in there...thanks!