Why are my DH and I so “bah humbug” over holidays?

[Anonymous]

We both grew up with large families that celebrated typically, up until around the time we were in high school. Both our families more or less dissolved around the time of our grandparents deaths, and never recovered. Everyone is estranged in both our families.

To make matters worse, neither of our sets of parents mesh well, so hosting our own holidays is a disaster and we just don’t do it. We do smaller gatherings, alternating, that we both hate. We mostly do it for our own children, to give them a semblance of normal. But we hate every minute of it.

Neither of us can figure out why, despite growing up celebrating typically, we don’t feel a longing for those types of celebrations as adults. What could it be?

[Anonymous]

We are immigrants who had non-traditional holidays, so now we understand that what's precious is spending time with our children (our families are on other continents). It doesn't matter what's on the table, or whether the decor is off. We make it SPECIAL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both grew up with large families that celebrated typically, up until around the time we were in high school. Both our families more or less dissolved around the time of our grandparents deaths, and never recovered. Everyone is estranged in both our families.

To make matters worse, neither of our sets of parents mesh well, so hosting our own holidays is a disaster and we just don’t do it. We do smaller gatherings, alternating, that we both hate. We mostly do it for our own children, to give them a semblance of normal. But we hate every minute of it.

Neither of us can figure out why, despite growing up celebrating typically, we don’t feel a longing for those types of celebrations as adults. What could it be?

I’m not a big holiday person either (I’d be happy to skip them all) but I think it’s a benefit. So many people are disappointed by the holidays, and my expectations are so low I’m never disappointed!

[Anonymous]

I think growing up "typically" with large gatherings does not guarantee anything. The core memories are about loving families. If things ended in estrangement, there was a lot brewing under the surface of the big family gathering. You are trying to give the "normalcy" to your kids, but really you are just repeating the dysfunction because you hate it. Do your own thing for the holidays now and then and see if you are happier. You can see extended family when there is less pressure to be merry. Do what leads to to real happiness, not what looks right on the surface.

[Anonymous]

We sometimes travel during those holidays due to our lack of enthusiasm. I don’t want to host.

My therapist suggested I see family members I normally see at holidays at other times. Brilliant. I do that and am moving away from holidays. I don’t want the kids to notice this too much so we are mixing things up with a trip or two at those times to disrupt and change the traditions. I can’t take the stress of celebrating with certain of the family members anymore. Those that are nice will be the ones I see at other times.