Dealing with Abusive Elderly Parent-What helps you?

[Anonymous]

For my fellow peers dealing with an abusive elderly parent in whatever capacity-ranging from in your home to barely having contact...what helps you cope? Here is what helps me in varying degrees. I also just want to send out love and support. Some blame us for the abuse we suffer, they gaslight us, they shame us for sharing our experience, and they push us to have even more empathy for the abusers. Some call us ungrateful and just don't get it. Some say our generation is too sensitive or I am. I get it. I live it. It's painful. I still blame myself. I still hold some degree of self-loathing. I still am broken even with all the repairs I have done.

1.) Therapy-helped for a while, but after many years I am over all the techniques

2.) Giving what I don't get to those who deserve it.
I go out of my way to thank people, nominate people for awards, talk to managers about helpful people. I want to be that person who lifts others. If I see someone treated poorly, I speak up. I find it strangely therapeutic to work hard to be the opposite of my mother.

3.) Forming healthy relationships.
I made a good choice in a husband. I realized in my previous relationships I was drawn to poor treatment because of how I grew up. I worked hard to break that cycle. I got therapy to make sure I could break the cycle with my own kids. It is so important to me that they feel loved and appreciated. I am nothing like my own mother with friendships. I don't compete with my friends, I don't trash them to others. i don't gossip about them or undermine them.

4.) Strong boundaries
She hates it. She basically told me she no longer loves me and as much as that hurts, I remind myself she never really did even when she used the word. She loved that I was a people-pleaser. She loved that I tried to morph into whatever she needed me to be. She has trashed me to the few friends and family she has left and I remind myself, even when I did much more, she was not pleased and she complained. It's easier to do less and be unappreciated than it is to do more and be unappreciated. I have to learn to be comfortable with not pleasing her. When she insults me I do listen and try to see what I agree with and what is trash, but I won't let it knock me down the way it used to.

5.)Eat healthy and exercise.
It makes it easier to cope and not lose my spirit.

6.) Give myself permission to save myself.
My father, the one parent I think loved me and cared is gone. He was the buffer. He would call her out when she went too far. There are no living relatives who care. My sibling is just like her. My husband cares, but I am the only one who can truly save myself. I don't want him getting a barrage of abuse from her. I have a right to defend myself verbally. I have a right to set boundaries. If anyone tries to guilt trip me (which so far none of the people she complained to have) I have a right to defend myself. I owe it to my kids to survive and be the best mother I can be. I will not let myself sink into depression. It's OK if my mother hates me.

7.) Take the high road as best I can
There are some really ugly things I could say back to her, but I don't. I try to be "professional" when I defend myself and not sink to her level. I don't yell like she does. I don't demean and belittle. I don't hurl insults like she does. I try to be respectful.

[Anonymous]

For me, it was #1 (therapy) to learn to do the rest of the things, but mostly #3 (good relationships) and #4 (strong boundaries).

Therapy doesn't need to be forever to be helpful - and I'm a licensed psychologist!

Hugs to you, OP. This stuff is hard; for me, it's especially hard during this time of year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it was #1 (therapy) to learn to do the rest of the things, but mostly #3 (good relationships) and #4 (strong boundaries).

Therapy doesn't need to be forever to be helpful - and I'm a licensed psychologist!

Hugs to you, OP. This stuff is hard; for me, it's especially hard during this time of year.

OP here. Thank you for this post. It is a hard time of year! I really appreciate what you shared. Helpful to know a psychologist has struggled with this too.

[Anonymous]

OP, posts like yours help me cope—thank you. People who have/had healthy parents just don’t get it. I, too, set boundaries as best I can and tune out the judgment of others as best I can. I also, every now and then, allow myself the sadness that comes with having a mother who is incapable of love or empathy. I am lucky to have two people in my life who will hear me out when I need to rant. And then I dust myself off and keep on doing the best I can. Wishing you peace, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP---My grandmother treated my mother like yours treats you. My mother never mastered boundaries but what she DID resolve to you was to never treat me like she was treated. We have always had a great relationship and I love her to death. Knowing that you broke that cycle will be the best healing you can do.

[Anonymous]

I live with mine so it is really difficult. A turning point years ago was realizing that she will never change, and there is nothing I can do to make her kinder to me. So I am as kind to her as possible and also spend as much time away as possible. And most of all, try not to feel that any of this is my fault. It’s hard because she knows how to push my buttons, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. My own family (spouse and children) commiserate with me and that is very helpful. I read these forums and people are always trying to get away from their “toxic” parents, but I am sure some of you understand that it is not always possible, and filial piety and family obligations are sacred values to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, posts like yours help me cope—thank you. People who have/had healthy parents just don’t get it. I, too, set boundaries as best I can and tune out the judgment of others as best I can. I also, every now and then, allow myself the sadness that comes with having a mother who is incapable of love or empathy. I am lucky to have two people in my life who will hear me out when I need to rant. And then I dust myself off and keep on doing the best I can. Wishing you peace, OP.

OP here. Thank you. I am so glad it helps you too. I wish you peace as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---My grandmother treated my mother like yours treats you. My mother never mastered boundaries but what she DID resolve to you was to never treat me like she was treated. We have always had a great relationship and I love her to death. Knowing that you broke that cycle will be the best healing you can do.

OP here. This post brought me such comfort. I want to have a great relationship with my kids through life and NEVER EVER make them feel the way I have and never treat them the way I have been treated. My concern in continuing to break the cycle as I possibly develop dementia down the line. In my family, the mean become meaner, but my fear is anyone can develop mean, nasty, hostile dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live with mine so it is really difficult. A turning point years ago was realizing that she will never change, and there is nothing I can do to make her kinder to me. So I am as kind to her as possible and also spend as much time away as possible. And most of all, try not to feel that any of this is my fault. It’s hard because she knows how to push my buttons, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. My own family (spouse and children) commiserate with me and that is very helpful. I read these forums and people are always trying to get away from their “toxic” parents, but I am sure some of you understand that it is not always possible, and filial piety and family obligations are sacred values to me.

OP here. I understand. In some cultures and families it is too difficult to break was tradition and filial piety. I am sorry you have to deal with this in your home. I am glad you can get away from her some and that the button pushing doesn't hurt as much. I wish you so much strength and resilience and rock solid emotional armor.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this post, OP.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, OP. I love your
2.) Giving what I don't get to those who deserve it

I’ve never thought of that before and it’s very empowering. I can’t do much about my parent or family dynamics, or even the bad relationship choices I’ve made in the past, but I can give to others who deserve. Love that.

[Anonymous]

I really like your point about giving less and being unappreciated > giving more and being unappreciated

For too long I bent over backwards to please my parent and got no appreciation or respect. So I stepped back a little at a time. I’m still unappreciated, but at least I am not sacrificing my mental health and my family to someone who will find fault in everything I do for them.