How to handle college breaks?

[Anonymous]

DS is a freshman in college in another state and is about to come home for the first time for Thanksgiving. I am beyond excited to see him! I spoke to him last night though and he informed me of all the plans he's made with friends and other folks during break and I am disappointed. He is almost 19 and has his autonomy at school - I'm not going to make him ask permission to make plans, and I certainly want him to be able to catch up with his friends, coaches, etc., but I do want the chance to see and visit with him. It got me thinking about setting expectations for Christmas and summer breaks as well. For those who have BTDT, how did you handle family obligations and other household obligations when your technically adult child currently attending college was home for breaks? Thanks for your understanding guidance!

[Anonymous]

I recommend adding some things to the calendar that our family event so that he put you on the schedule.

Holiday dinners or activities or whatever.

and also make sure you consider your own obligations as well. I know when my kid was coming home from school he wanted to know why we weren’t all free the entire month he was free. But my other kids have school and we had to work for much of that time so we’ve gotten better about scheduling us to do as a family so everyone is free.

[Anonymous]

We negotiate. I expect my daughter to want to see her friends when she is home, but remind her that we are another group of people who were waiting to see her.

She does check with us (for conflicts) before she makes plans. And if all the open slots are filling up, I claim some space. Otherwise I feel like a free AirBNB/Uber driver who picks her up and drives her back to school.

[Anonymous]

Yep ... they want to see their friends. That's the fun of college breaks! But we set the expectation of the holiday meal and we usually plan one nice dinner out on a different night. So far, our kids seem good with that.

[Anonymous]

I try not to be “that mom” who tries to make her kids feel guilty about time spent with me. It’s much nicer when they choose to carve out time for family on their own. This has also served well into post college early adulthood when jobs and schedules aren’t always under their control or significant others play a part. Be excited to see them, let them know they’re loved, but don’t try to control their time. I’ve also seen how controlling can backfire longer term…when they’re free they never look back because of the bad feelings that were created.

[Anonymous]

OP, it can feel like a lot of the work is on you. You can have a few "obligations", what's most important to you events. But don't make them very many. DH and I would joke, "there's been a sighting!" relaying if one of us had happened to see our DS that day. If you want him to see a wider circle of people, like relatives, have a party. And make sure he know he's the reason, he needs to be there.

[Anonymous]

This is a hard transition. I think this was actually harder than dropping our dd off at college. We let our dd know if there are family plans that she needs to be part of: Thanksgiving dinner, going to pick out the Christmas tree, etc. But we also check with her before we plan those things. I know she wants to see her high school friends too and so they are all juggling their own family schedules. She no longer has a curfew but we do ask her to let us know her plans so we know what time she will be home. In return she needs to be quiet and not wake up the whole house when she comes in late.

Summer breaks have been more like college because she has had jobs/internships out of state so we only saw her for 2 weeks at the beginning and end of summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman in college in another state and is about to come home for the first time for Thanksgiving. I am beyond excited to see him! I spoke to him last night though and he informed me of all the plans he's made with friends and other folks during break and I am disappointed. He is almost 19 and has his autonomy at school - I'm not going to make him ask permission to make plans, and I certainly want him to be able to catch up with his friends, coaches, etc., but I do want the chance to see and visit with him. It got me thinking about setting expectations for Christmas and summer breaks as well. For those who have BTDT, how did you handle family obligations and other household obligations when your technically adult child currently attending college was home for breaks? Thanks for your understanding guidance!

Just let him enjoy and relax. Make this about him, not you.

[Anonymous]

He will come in later than you like and slept later than you like.

You must schedule time with him and let him know your expectations.

They also don’t tell their roommate when they leave if you want him to do so tell him that.

When you plan dinner with him expect him to go out after.

If he spends 30 minutes with you he will think you spent time together.

[Anonymous]

Christmas and summer breaks are longer. Thanksgiving is tricky because it is so short.

I'd ask to have Thursday as a family day. All day. Then be flexible with the rest of the time. Can you be the house that has some teens over Wednesday night?

[Anonymous]

Good lord. I'd not want to come home for xmas.

[Anonymous]

If there are younger siblings still living at home, it's not just about you, the parents. There is more obligation there.

[Anonymous]

Bigger the expectation, bigger the disappointment. Let him be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try not to be “that mom” who tries to make her kids feel guilty about time spent with me. It’s much nicer when they choose to carve out time for family on their own. This has also served well into post college early adulthood when jobs and schedules aren’t always under their control or significant others play a part. Be excited to see them, let them know they’re loved, but don’t try to control their time. I’ve also seen how controlling can backfire longer term…when they’re free they never look back because of the bad feelings that were created.

This is good advice. I would just have the expectation of Thanksgiving day together, and the rest of the time is a bonus if you're together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman in college in another state and is about to come home for the first time for Thanksgiving. I am beyond excited to see him! I spoke to him last night though and he informed me of all the plans he's made with friends and other folks during break and I am disappointed. He is almost 19 and has his autonomy at school - I'm not going to make him ask permission to make plans, and I certainly want him to be able to catch up with his friends, coaches, etc., but I do want the chance to see and visit with him. It got me thinking about setting expectations for Christmas and summer breaks as well. For those who have BTDT, how did you handle family obligations and other household obligations when your technically adult child currently attending college was home for breaks? Thanks for your understanding guidance!

What "obligations" do your guests have when they visit and stay at your home?


My expectations: Have lunch or dinner with us (at least one each day) clean up after yourself and text me if you coming home late.