Polite way to decline sleepovers

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are not comfortable with sleepovers (history of abuse) and our child is 7. We’ve started getting invitations for slumber party birthdays and at first, I simply replied “Larla isn’t able to spend the night but she would love to come for the evening portion and I could pick her up before bedtime.” Seemed to be acceptable but had one mom who was a bit prickly about it. The latest invitation came and the host parent was much more direct. She suggested moving the party to a night my daughter could sleepover. For some reason, this really threw me off and I fumbled through the conversation. I basically came across like I didn’t want my DD to sleepover at their house specifically- which is not the case! Is it acceptable to just say “we don’t do sleepovers”? What would you have said?

[Anonymous]

"Dan and I don't let Kaeleigh have sleepovers. Would it be okay if we picked her up at 9pm?"

With the people you're more comfortable with you can say "There's a history of abuse in our family so we're over protective - I'm sure you understand our paranoia."

[Anonymous]

Do you have a plan for when you will allow sleepovers? If the answer is never, then yeah I think you should say “we will not allow dc to have sleepovers”. Then they’ll stop asking.

[Anonymous]

^ I like this. I wouldn't go into the history of abuse (and I am someone with a history of abuse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Dan and I don't let Kaeleigh have sleepovers. Would it be okay if we picked her up at 9pm?"

With the people you're more comfortable with you can say "There's a history of abuse in our family so we're over protective - I'm sure you understand our paranoia."

I agree. Be clear that your family doesn't participate in any sleepovers. Maybe the mom who reacted thought it was something specific about her family and was defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Dan and I don't let Kaeleigh have sleepovers. Would it be okay if we picked her up at 9pm?"

With the people you're more comfortable with you can say "There's a history of abuse in our family so we're over protective - I'm sure you understand our paranoia."

No, don't say that. That translates as "We think there is a possibility she will get abused while sleeping at your house." That is the fear right? Just say "we don't do sleepovers." The end. Honestly, at 7, that is not at all uncommon. I was saying "We don't do sleepovers yet." at that age. My 10 year old just recently has had her first sleepovers. She went to a birthday sleepover and a couple of first left at 11pm or so. Nobody fussed about it.

[Anonymous]

My kids have several friends whose parents don't allow it. They just say "We don't allow sleepovers". It's fine.

One of them eventually changed their mind, and the kids did sleep over. The other didn't. All fine.

[Anonymous]

“We don’t do any sleepovers” is Lenny if said in a friendly way, and then immediately pivot to the positive thing. “…but Larla would really love to help Darla celebrate that evening! We can just pick her up at x:00. Thank you so much for inviting her!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have several friends whose parents don't allow it. They just say "We don't allow sleepovers". It's fine.

One of them eventually changed their mind, and the kids did sleep over. The other didn't. All fine.

My parents didn’t let any of us spend the night at sleepovers and it was always fine. Just make it clear it’s a general rule. 7 seems really young unless you know the family well anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We don’t do any sleepovers” is Lenny if said in a friendly way, and then immediately pivot to the positive thing. “…but Larla would really love to help Darla celebrate that evening! We can just pick her up at x:00. Thank you so much for inviting her!”

This.

We also do not do sleepovers. No abuse, although I understand the concern. But my daughter is a complete disaster without enough sleep and it affects the whole family for days. NOT WORTH IT. We just say we don’t do sleepovers. It really isn’t an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have several friends whose parents don't allow it. They just say "We don't allow sleepovers". It's fine.

One of them eventually changed their mind, and the kids did sleep over. The other didn't. All fine.

This. Just be direct.

[Anonymous]

Simple. Just tell them you don’t allow sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have several friends whose parents don't allow it. They just say "We don't allow sleepovers". It's fine.

One of them eventually changed their mind, and the kids did sleep over. The other didn't. All fine.

This is fine. My parents didnt let me go to sleepovers. I turned out just fine.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing that your “history of abuse” happened with a family member and not at a sleepover. But, still, I hear what you’re saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We don’t do any sleepovers” is Lenny if said in a friendly way, and then immediately pivot to the positive thing. “…but Larla would really love to help Darla celebrate that evening! We can just pick her up at x:00. Thank you so much for inviting her!”

The one thing I'd say as the parent hosting the sleepover is let me pick the pick up time. It's way easier to have that transition at a transition point. So, I'd rather be able to say "Can I call you when I know what time the movie will end." or something, rather than having a kid pulled out in the middle, or awkwardly having to entertain you because you arrived when the kids were in the middle of a giant nerf gun fight and yours doesn't want to leave.

So, I'd say "We don't do sleepovers, but Larla would love to come for the evening. Is there I good time I could pick up between dinner and bedtime?"