Luxury Retirement/Continuing Care Facility -- Costs and Other Options

[Anonymous]

13 years ago my FIL died. My BIL moved my MIL to a luxury retirement facility. MIL burned through about 1/2 million in assets over about 5 years. BIL starting giving her $5K a month to cover her costs. 5 more years pass and BIL asks us to contribute. We now contribute $2K a month to his $3K.

The reason I am annoyed at BIL is his elder care mgt plan for his mom was based on the assumption that she would die in a few years so why not have her in the nicest place around.

Elder care plans can not based on the elder's timely death. Such a rookie move. But I am only the wife of middle brother, so have kept quiet and tried to help.

MIL called tonight and is asking for more care. But she is very specific and wants a private aide to be with her almost 24/7.

We can't afford that.

Her luxury facility has aides available for hire which we have done but it never seems to work. Not sure if it's that the aides don't show up or if MIL just forgets that they did show up. Super annoying.

I'm thinking of trying again with the facility aides. Any other ideas or experiences to share?

[Anonymous]

She needs to downgrade to a regular assisted living that is more affordable. That isn't sustainable. It can easily cost $10-15K a month for a nursing home. Her memory may be failing which is why she cannot remember. Time to more her.

[Anonymous]

It’s up to you how much you spend on this.

[Anonymous]

Even the nice places aren't that nice, and it's likely they are short staffed and not taking good care of her. It's frustrating considering how much you are paying, but I would let go of the idea that it's "luxury." It's probably just expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even the nice places aren't that nice, and it's likely they are short staffed and not taking good care of her. It's frustrating considering how much you are paying, but I would let go of the idea that it's "luxury." It's probably just expensive.

For comparison my MIL was paying $12k/month for assisted living and she was getting virtually no care, just an aide swinging by twice a day to deliver meds. I went out into the halls many times to look for staff and could not find anybody.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Not luxury just expensive -- so true PP.

[Anonymous]

Seems like everyone went along with the terrible idea to spend that much on a retirement home, no?

My family is the opposite. My parents were worth millions and treated my mom’s move to a memory care facility as though it would bankrupt them. My mom lived 2-3 years. My dad is worth $3 million now and he thinks he can’t afford anything. He won’t even get cleaners! He is convinced he needs millions for end of life care.

[Anonymous]

If she has run out of her own money, your DH should transfer her to a Medicaid nursing home and have Medicaid pay for it. The one my parent is in is decent and staff deliver meds, 3 meals, a snack, bathe, laundry, and social activities. The facility is a little dated (think Hilton Garden Inn) but the service and care is pretty good. I would not contribute a dime to care because I have my own kids and retirement to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has run out of her own money, your DH should transfer her to a Medicaid nursing home and have Medicaid pay for it. The one my parent is in is decent and staff deliver meds, 3 meals, a snack, bathe, laundry, and social activities. The facility is a little dated (think Hilton Garden Inn) but the service and care is pretty good. I would not contribute a dime to care because I have my own kids and retirement to worry about.

What facility is your parent in and where is it?

[Anonymous]

$5k a month is actually CHEAP. My mom was in one a couple years ago that was $8k/month.

You don't have to contribute, OP. You can say no.

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t make any sense. Your family thought she would die soon when in a luxury retirement home? A retirement home is for people who can care for themselves. It’s the same as a luxury apartment but with some additional amenities for the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Does your MIL need an aide? What kind of tasks does she need the aide to do?

[Anonymous]

My parents pay $9,000 a month in Arlington. Va and the facility isn't that great. You're only paying 2 grand a month. Be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents pay $9,000 a month in Arlington. Va and the facility isn't that great. You're only paying 2 grand a month. Be thankful.

Be thankful for $2000/month? She should be paying 0 per month. There are perfectly decent places that take Medicaid. The application process is labor intensive and adult children can help the parent by assisting in the application. Visit the parent often and take them to medical appointments. These are the things I do to support my parent, but I’m not coughing up a cent of my own family’s money when the government can pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents pay $9,000 a month in Arlington. Va and the facility isn't that great. You're only paying 2 grand a month. Be thankful.

Be thankful for $2000/month? She should be paying 0 per month. There are perfectly decent places that take Medicaid. The application process is labor intensive and adult children can help the parent by assisting in the application. Visit the parent often and take them to medical appointments. These are the things I do to support my parent, but I’m not coughing up a cent of my own family’s money when the government can pay.

OP's MIL might not qualify for a medicaid home. OP hasn't stated what the MIL's condition/needs are, just that she has "asked" for a 24/7 aide-it doesn't mean she needs one.