Detaching from cranky parents comments?

[Anonymous]

Typing on phone, apologize for any typos.

After a blowup with a parent, I realized the codependency patterns. Both of us reactive, getting each other riled up. I have been working the last month to be pleasant, share WAY less personal info, not seek their approval, meet them on their level (agreeing , validsting, uh huh-ing on phone while I do chores). Yay.

Any advice for letting comments that spark a reaction in me roll off my back? Today I just went silent, let person rant w/o countering, but the comment stayed with me. I wish I had a recycle bin in my head where I could drag and drop! I love my parent and bc of depression and suspected cognitive issues, one of those "these are my boundaries, im hanging up now" confrontations is out of question.

How do you sage cleanse your minds when you get grumpy?

[Anonymous]

When my mother starts, I pleasantly say I need to get off the phone.

Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother starts, I pleasantly say I need to get off the phone.

Done.

+1
I did this for years.
Eventually I had to just say “That was really hurtful and unreasonable” to something so unbelievably hurtful. We haven’t talked in 3 years. I’ve tried to reconcile. She won’t meet for therapy for even an hour to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typing on phone, apologize for any typos.

After a blowup with a parent, I realized the codependency patterns. Both of us reactive, getting each other riled up. I have been working the last month to be pleasant, share WAY less personal info, not seek their approval, meet them on their level (agreeing , validsting, uh huh-ing on phone while I do chores). Yay.

Any advice for letting comments that spark a reaction in me roll off my back? Today I just went silent, let person rant w/o countering, but the comment stayed with me. I wish I had a recycle bin in my head where I could drag and drop! I love my parent and bc of depression and suspected cognitive issues, one of those "these are my boundaries, im hanging up now" confrontations is out of question.

How do you sage cleanse your minds when you get grumpy?

Here's a version of that: Be Cheerful and Oblivious. When you interact with this parent, put on your Cheerful and Oblivious self. Whatever they say, respond cheerfully, and be oblivious to any mean, offensive, critical, etc. comments.

It's remarkably helpful, not to mention effective at disarming people like this.

[Anonymous]

I have a really easy time just turning on white noise in my brain. You can just start reading a book, or browsing a website and concentrate on that, while saying uh-huh.

I also found that changing the topic helped--like asking her about her childhood or what was her favorite memory of a favorite holiday or something.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you all. I got myself into the recent situation by talking about an upcoming operation, there was a comment telling me I was wrong to feel a certain way. Lesson learned - it was all me who teed up the interaction.

[Anonymous]

Ring your own doorbell and say, "Gotta go, there is someone at the door."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ring your own doorbell and say, "Gotta go, there is someone at the door."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all. I got myself into the recent situation by talking about an upcoming operation, there was a comment telling me I was wrong to feel a certain way. Lesson learned - it was all me who teed up the interaction.

That's the problem, you shouldn't have to police yourself! I've been editing what I tell my mother for decades. When I slip up, the inappropriate/hurtful comments never fail. But it's not MY fault for "slipping up". It's her fault for being such a nagging, prejudiced weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ring your own doorbell and say, "Gotta go, there is someone at the door."

+1

+1

Or hang up mid-sentence while you are talking. Oops, got cut off.