Do you formally invite your parents over to visit?

[Anonymous]

My mom is very emotionally immature and had her latest guilt trip/tantrum against me recently. Her last complaint was that she’s very hurt that the whole summer went by and we never invited her and stepdad over to swim in our pool, knowing how much she loves the pool. She went as far as to say she is planning on putting in a pool in their next house if there isn’t one already so “we won’t have this problem anymore.”

This is completely ridiculous to me. I’ve been married over 20 years and have never invited any family over. Everyone just calls/texts us to see if we’re free on a certain date and w remake plans from there. Including my mom. She lives 2 hours away and the rest of my siblings and in-laws are 3-4 hours away so no one is dropping in but again, I don’t formally invite family over, that’s how it’s always been.

I know she was just trying to pick a fight with me and I ignored her complaint but it made me wonder - do other people invite family to visit, or is it just assumed they’re always welcome as long as you’re available?

[Anonymous]

*we make

[Anonymous]

I do. They would never visit otherwise because they think they're "imposing." We do have a guest room but otherwise a very small house. It honestly drives me up the wall. I wish they would suggest dates but I have to do all the work to arrange visits, every single time!

[Anonymous]

I don't send an engraved invitation, but I don't just wait for them to text me either. Do you ever initiate the hangout? If you don't, I can see why she might feel a bit hurt.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. It might make sense if this was a new situation but again, I’ve been married for two decades. Never needed to “invite” parents before. They don’t invite us either, we tell them when we are planning on visiting and they let us know if it works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't send an engraved invitation, but I don't just wait for them to text me either. Do you ever initiate the hangout? If you don't, I can see why she might feel a bit hurt.

+1

[Anonymous]

Now you know she’d like to be invited.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, your mom sounds just like mine. It's so frustrating. I'm a pretty casual person and she just wants to be fawned over and formally invited to things. And loves to pick fights about it after the fact.

If your mom is out of town, you think she'd be more like "hey we haven't seen you in a bit, I was thinking of coming to town, is there a time that works for you?"

I'm 100% with you on this one.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

[Anonymous]

We invite my mom over to our home, pool etc because she doesn't want to impose. same goes for weekend outings.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds immature in her tantrum...BUT...I'd be very annoyed if my mom just invited herself over to my house. That's another sort of rude.

You should be inviting her. She shouldn't be guilting you if you decide not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really weird that your family culture makes everyone basically invite themselves to everything. I would totally text my parents and at, “we plan to hang out at the pool Saturday afternoon and cook burgers - want to come?”

How hard would that be? You mom is basically asking you to make a small gesture that they are welcome at your house. Grandparents often don’t want to intrude.

OP here. I totally get this and if this was our family culture all along that would be fine. The bigger issue is that this is out of the blue.

Of course if I did text my mom to say come join us we are swimming and going to grill I would get her usual excuses: it’s too far, they get really tired when they drive all this way to our house, she’d rather be home and we visit her, etc. In my mom’s mind it’s always the “kids” visiting the parents, not the other way around. I once suggested hosting thanksgiving for everyone and was met with “no way, I would rather everyone come here, it’s easier” responses.

[Anonymous]

Yes I invite my family over but they will sometimes just stop by, too. My family is local, btw.

[Anonymous]

I'd be super irritated but I'd just let her have this one and invite her over.

[Anonymous]

I don’t consider it a formal invitation but I do always ask my mom if she wants to come over.