When being a mean SOB is one of the symptoms...

[Anonymous]

My husband is usually a kind, sensitive, polite, and delightful partner. He is very rarely sick. But when he is (like now), it is like Jekyll and Hyde. He becomes whiny, petulant, self-absorbed, rude, and mean. I know that he is in pain and suffering, but he says cruel things for no apparent reason that really hurt my feelings, especially when I am trying to care for him and his illness. I guess I'm wondering if this is something worth addressing when he's better, though I kind of doubt that he will have the self-awareness to be able to remember to rein it in the next time he is sick. If it makes any difference, I am also ill, just a couple of days further along than him, so feeling better than he is. I love him and want to be a good nurse but he makes it so hard!

[Anonymous]

Yeah it is definitely a male thing. My DH gets nasty just on the cusp of feeling well again, so it's timed perfectly for me to feel complete resentment after having looked after him.

I have no suggestions, only commiserations.

[Anonymous]

Unless he is in the hospital, quit being so nice!

[Anonymous]

Is he going to die if you don't provide care for him? If not, tell him you realize he doesn't feel well but you won't take him treating you rudely. Do cut him a little slack, but it isn't a freeride to be an ass.

He is going to be unbearable when older if you don't nip this in the bud.

[Anonymous]

I don't do anything to help my husband when he's sick anymore. I got very tired being snapped at when I offered to make him some soup.

[Anonymous]

Wow, ok! OP here. I thought I was going to be told to suck it up because he's sick (that's what my mother told me). I feel more empowered now to drop the rope a little. I mean, I won't let him lie in a puddle of his own bodily fluids or anything, but I will be less solicitous.

[Anonymous]

My normally considerate and good-natured husband can be like this sick. I definitely have learned to detach more and help less. I offer help , but first sign of snapping I stop offering and just make my own judgment from a distance of whether we are in illness emergency territory.

[Anonymous]

I would let him know that he cannot treat you poorly, no matter how crappy he’s feeling, and immediately leave the room if he starts up again, letting him know that you’ll come back when he can speak respectfully. And only do the bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of experience with that, and not just for illness, just because my husband is a jerk.

Just leave him alone, and remind him that when he's in the nursing home, he'd better be polite to his caregivers otherwise they can make life VERY miserable for him. Now is the time to practice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he going to die if you don't provide care for him? If not, tell him you realize he doesn't feel well but you won't take him treating you rudely. Do cut him a little slack, but it isn't a freeride to be an ass.

He is going to be unbearable when older if you don't nip this in the bud.

This, 100%. My mother never stood up to my father in these situations. It was a train wreck when real health issues set in during their old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, ok! OP here. I thought I was going to be told to suck it up because he's sick (that's what my mother told me). I feel more empowered now to drop the rope a little. I mean, I won't let him lie in a puddle of his own bodily fluids or anything, but I will be less solicitous.

NP. I agree with your mother. A nurse at a clinic or hospital helps patients, even (especially) when they are jerks. Loving a person doesn't negate that. That doesn't make any sense at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, ok! OP here. I thought I was going to be told to suck it up because he's sick (that's what my mother told me). I feel more empowered now to drop the rope a little. I mean, I won't let him lie in a puddle of his own bodily fluids or anything, but I will be less solicitous.

NP. I agree with your mother. A nurse at a clinic or hospital helps patients, even (especially) when they are jerks. Loving a person doesn't negate that. That doesn't make any sense at all.

He isn't sick enough to be in the hospital. If he wants to pay someone to take care of him, he can try being rude to them. He may not realize it, but the care he receives will suffer from his behavior then too.

[Anonymous]

My DH is not like that when he is sick. He had severe Lyme disease, where you could physically see the migrating arthritis (like he could not even wear glasses because his jaw joint was so swollen). Even then he didn’t behave like your DH. Sorry but your DH sounds like a spoiled man baby.

[Anonymous]

I would call him out on his BS every time it happens.

[Anonymous]

Men have difficulty feeling weak. It makes them act like dicks. Try not to take it personally. It's okay to back off on the care (within reason), it'll help toughen him up.