When can kids decide which parent they want to live with - and related questions

[Anonymous]

I've been through a bear of a divorce and custody conflict with my ex. There is no functional co-parenting relationship and, after years in court, I have to step back for my own sanity (and financial well-being). My children tell me they would prefer to live with me but I am reticent about initiating yet another legal matter.

At what age can children decide which parent they live with? Can this switch be made without involving the courts? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Are they telling their dad the same thing? Before you even consider action, you should be sure. I’ve seen this happen.

[Anonymous]

My last divorce was set up so that my ex-husband and I could switch out kids whenever, without involving the courts. If one child wanted to go live with the other parent, they just moved. We also did not involve the court in child support, which made it easier. We wanted freedom to make our own decisions and did not want to ever have to go back to court. Our last kid just turned 17, and he's going to live with his dad at the end of this week. Time to change it up. He's working and is already out of school, so he's technically an adult at this point. My youngest daughter moved in with him when she was 14. My oldest daughter moved in with him at age 15. They always went whenever they wanted, with my blessing. It's good to spend time living with both parents, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I think the legal answer depends on what state you live in and in many states the answer is "never" for several reasons, like a child may be manipulated into choosing one parent because that parent needs the child to cope with life after the divorce and the child is in a very unhealthy situation of taking on the role of parenting the parent. Also, some children will choose the "Disneyland" parent because that parent gives big allowances or doesn't limit screen time or whatever. Some children will chose one parent because the other parent alienated the child from the other during the divorce. Lots of unhealthy situations arise when you give the power to make parenting decisions to children. Obviously there are some counter examples like the poster above who made a more flexible arrangement work, but my limited experience suggests that children should not get to decide where to live until they are adults in many cases.

[Anonymous]

Legally it varies by state and per your agreement/ruling. But in reality, it's very hard to coerce a teenager onto a custody schedule that they dislike. Unless you're willing to lock them out of your house and into the other one.