I'm going through some very rough times and can't tell anyone....

[Anonymous]

I'll get the hardest part out of the way first: my dad molested me when I was a kid.
And here's the second hardest part: I think my marriage is falling apart.
This is the final part: I have a growth in my small intestine that needs to be biopsied.

I'm in therapy and finally dealing with the horrors of what my Dad did to me. None of my siblings or in-laws know. They all LOVED my Dad. EVERYONE loved my Dad (I've since come to learn that the most sadistic people can appear as charming and delightful to others).

Unrelated, my husband is pulling away from me more and more. He's cheated on me in the past and I suspect he is now, too. I realize that he has a lot in common with my Dad - he's very charming but he can seem like he a cold, unfeeling core. I'm his second wife and I'm starting to get the sense that he doesn't love me and only married me to be a step-mom to his kids (who are now grown and doing well, thank goodness!).

My family leans on me for a lot. In fact, several of my siblings are dealing with the sadness and depression that came with our Dad's death. I'm the "reliable" one in my family, the one who gets things done, bails people out of financial binds, etc. I'm trying to tie up some loose ends with my Dad's estate and taxes and a. I don't want to do it and b. I need two of my siblings in particular to get documents and bank statements to me in time for us to get his final tax return filed, and they keep dropping the ball. I only have a few more days to get everything to my Dad's CPA and I don't have the time or energy to do it, even if I did have the paperwork that my siblings owe me.

I want to QUIT. I'm tired of keeping all this inside. I'm afraid if I tell anyone about my Dad either they're not going to believe me or they're going to go into an even deeper depression than some of them already are. And I can't tell anyone about my marriage because if we do manage to work things out I don't want any of my family to hold resentment towards my husband.

I'm in therapy, but it is only 1 hour a week and I feel like I need to talk about this way more often than that. I don't have any friends who are close enough to talk about this with for basically the same reasons - I don't want them to form a bad opinion of my husband and I don't want to share any of what my Dad did in case people I do tell can't keep it a secret.

I'm not suicidal but right now I feel like not being alive anymore would be preferable to the way I feel right now.

I'm not sure if any of you can offer advice, or if any of you had similar experiences - did you eventually tell your family about it? Thanks. Honestly it helps just typing this out and knowing that at least I got some of it off my chest tonight.

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just wanted to send you some hugs OP. I hope your health issue resolves favorably and you find a place that allows you to deal, as you want to, with your father and husband.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP! Your life right now sounds stressful! I don’t have any word of advice. But you are strong, even if no one else notices.

[Anonymous]

Send an email to your siblings: “Bob and Alice, please provide the xyz numbers to the group ASAP, or we are going to have to pay a penalty on Dad’s tax return. Also someone needs to collate all this info and get it to the accountant; I no longer have time to chase after the remaining information. Love, Larla”

[Anonymous]

Do you think I’m your heart your marriage can be salvaged? If you do I think you should do counseling and tell tour DH about your childhood. If you think the marriage is over then they’re no point in sharing it with him. Sending you hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you. But actually you CAN tell someone and you should, when you are ready. Who cares what anyone else thinks. You take care of you. Other people’s feelings about what your dad did to you don’t negate your own feelings. And maybe you don’t need your husband. Take care of yourself. You are #1. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry Nehru you get your pos dad’s inheritance, keep it in an account in your name only. Then divorce your cheering husband.

[Anonymous]

Cheating, not cheering.

[Anonymous]

Tell the siblings you're going to give the CPA their numbers and have him call your siblings directly.

Don't tell anyone about your father. You're right, it will serve no purpose. You won't get the responses you want and will probably only end up more hurt. Find a support group for adult survivors of sexual abuse. It will be good to talk to others.

Good luck. Keep posting here. Don't include identifying info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel for you. But actually you CAN tell someone and you should, when you are ready. Who cares what anyone else thinks. You take care of you. Other people’s feelings about what your dad did to you don’t negate your own feelings. And maybe you don’t need your husband. Take care of yourself. You are #1. You will get through this.

Yes, this. I don't really know all the right psychological terms here, but you have had to keep terrible secrets your whole life and its making you think that you should continue to do so now. You don't have to. Your friends want to support you.

[Anonymous]

Just wanna send you a hug.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered a life coach or relationship coach?

Way more valuable than decades of therapy for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry, you are in a rough situation right now.

Let your therapist know about how you feel a passive wish for death is still something to be concerned about, and can warrant an increase in your sessions--going twice a week during a crisis (and this is three crises in one) can be really helpful.

I really encourage you to hear the poster who says to try to break the programming of keeping secrets and share with a friend, but it's so hard to do that, and starting during a crisis is tough. Can you start keeping a journal to have a place to release some of this?

[Anonymous]

That’s a lot. A small piece of advice - just work on one thing at a time.

Yep, tell your siblings you will all have to pay a fine of thousands if the tax return doesn’t get filed in time and give them a deadline.

Maybe in the future you will want to talk to your siblings about the abuse from your dad, but don’t put that on your plate right now. Maybe they were also abused. But speaking as someone whose dad molested his own sister, they may not want to hear it - nobody in my family did. It makes you question your whole life with that person. Let it be for now at least until the estate is sorted.

[Anonymous]

Sending you lots of support. You don't deserve any of this and I wish you didn't have to deal with so much. If you tell your siblings about your dad, I suspect they won't believe it. It's so disturbing and yet cliche that abusers are charming and often even admired by those who don't know the darkness.

I hope you can increase the therapy. Also, have you tried online support groups?

I am going to be very selfish here and ask you how you discovered the growth in the small intestine. My daughter has been through scopes and MRE and they suspect something is wrong in the small intestine, but now want a pillcam. It seems so hard to explore that area. I pray your biopsy shows it is benign I truly do.

Please keep us posted and know we are cheering you on and care.