Dealing with high needs teen daughter

[Anonymous]

My teen DD has been through a lot. Since the day she was born, she's been high needs and is overcoming some mental illness the past few years. We have come a long way and she's currently in recovery, but she's still very high maintenance. She irritates the crap out of me and we are like oil and water. Any tips on how to survive the teen years when you just don't get along and don't see eye to eye. She is very hard headed and only learns things the hard way. I've turned into a really mean person as she's taken away most of my joy and happiness in my life. I'm counting down the days until she leaves for college.

[Anonymous]

I also have a daughter who struggles with mental health. When her anxiety isn't sufficiently controlled, she can be mean and nasty and oppositional. I try to remember that she's having a hard time, she's not (purposefully) giving me a hard time.

[Anonymous]

How old is she, OP?

I have had a similar situation and mine is finally in college. I'll write more when I know how old, because I can go on forever--and I do have some tips

[Anonymous]

Seriously? You need to get into therapy to work one on one with someone to deal with your resentment and anger. This is no way to go through the next 5-7 years. Get screened for depression.

And…
Exercise.
Take care of yourself and focus on getting a good night sleep.
Stay connected with friends.
Figure out one thing that does bring you joy and how to make some time for that.

[Anonymous]

OP here, she just turned 16. Doing much better, but still sucks the life out of me.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I hope you are both in therapy.

[Anonymous]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it doesn’t always get better once they go to college. -19 and has come and gone to college and is still really struggling. It’s just a hard period of time. I hope it eventually gets better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it often gets worse in college. Lack of social supports, farther from home, etc. Unfortunately there’s a huge mental health crisis (anxiety, depression) among college aged kids these days.

[Anonymous]

Are there any activities you like to do together? Cooking together, hiking, manis/pedis, going to a museum, etc?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by high maintenance?

[Anonymous]

the second 19:33 PP here. I also counted down the years, then months, then weeks, until college. Not unusual; it's just a coping mechanism.

Agree with PPs that college might not be better, but in our case, it has been great. I'm visiting my DD now (she stayed in her college town during the summer to work--which would be inconceivable to me in the past). Really, it's all the best parts of being with her and little of the worst. Out of the house is key imo, because the dynamic changes. I will tell you, when she comes home to visit, she regresses. (Many kids do). But it's okay as I'm ready for that, and I remind myself that it's temporary.

OP, here is the biggest thing I've learned. Part of what's going on is you are probably shouldering a lot of whatever she needs to support her.

Kids like this need a team to support them, not just mom. It's too hard to be the whole team, by yourself. And you need a team to support YOU.

My DD's team:

*Her psychiatrist

* Her therapist

*Someone to test or retest your DD. Mine was not diagnosed with ADHD until after she graduated from high school. I *think* ADHD is more commonly diagnosed when a kid is faltering in school, but my DD was doing well enough that it went unnoticed.

* Her art teacher. More below. We fell into this situation, but what ended up happening was in high school, her art teacher came over every Friday evening. In truth, it was not about art, but really, a relationship between my DD and another middle aged adult woman who could offer advice and support.

* After high school (too late imo but that's how it played out) and educational therapist who specializes in ADHD. She still zooms with this person now, and I have not had to step in to pick classes or do logistics; this person both works with DD to do executive functioning but also to teach her how to do it. So much is off my plate because of this person.


My team:

*My therapist

*My physical therapist who has also becaome my friend and who has a difficult child and "gets it"

*In the past (before DD went to college) my DD's art teacher mentioned above, who became a friend too. Although we were about the same age (mid-50s) this art teacher had kids in their early 30s, and the youngest kid had tons of mental health issues--way more severe than my DDs--but she knew how hard it was and how much a mom can suffer. Because really what you are describing, OP, is your suffering.

*Friend(s) who had difficult kid(s) and we could commiserrate and also strategize together.

Who was NOT on my team:

*DH--great guy but I don't count him as part of my team because--because it's better that way, for me, because he can screw up a bit; he doesn't really know how to handle DD and seems to be unteachable. So if I don't expect him to HELP me with my own issues with DD, it's so much better.

*Friends with NT kids who did not get how hard it is at all. Don't even try to explain. Even now, my friends with same-age kids were SO excited to have their kids come home after the first year of college, while I was not looking forward to it.

BTW, if you've read this far, I'll end with a bit of good news: my DD's psychiatrist, who specializes in these-types-of-kids, says so much brain growth goes on with these kids between 20-25. "By 25, you won't know her!"

HTH, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the second 19:33 PP here. I also counted down the years, then months, then weeks, until college. Not unusual; it's just a coping mechanism.

Agree with PPs that college might not be better, but in our case, it has been great. I'm visiting my DD now (she stayed in her college town during the summer to work--which would be inconceivable to me in the past). Really, it's all the best parts of being with her and little of the worst. Out of the house is key imo, because the dynamic changes. I will tell you, when she comes home to visit, she regresses. (Many kids do). But it's okay as I'm ready for that, and I remind myself that it's temporary.

OP, here is the biggest thing I've learned. Part of what's going on is you are probably shouldering a lot of whatever she needs to support her.

Kids like this need a team to support them, not just mom. It's too hard to be the whole team, by yourself. And you need a team to support YOU.

My DD's team:

*Her psychiatrist

* Her therapist

*Someone to test or retest your DD. Mine was not diagnosed with ADHD until after she graduated from high school. I *think* ADHD is more commonly diagnosed when a kid is faltering in school, but my DD was doing well enough that it went unnoticed.

* Her art teacher. More below. We fell into this situation, but what ended up happening was in high school, her art teacher came over every Friday evening. In truth, it was not about art, but really, a relationship between my DD and another middle aged adult woman who could offer advice and support.

* After high school (too late imo but that's how it played out) and educational therapist who specializes in ADHD. She still zooms with this person now, and I have not had to step in to pick classes or do logistics; this person both works with DD to do executive functioning but also to teach her how to do it. So much is off my plate because of this person.


My team:

*My therapist

*My physical therapist who has also becaome my friend and who has a difficult child and "gets it"

*In the past (before DD went to college) my DD's art teacher mentioned above, who became a friend too. Although we were about the same age (mid-50s) this art teacher had kids in their early 30s, and the youngest kid had tons of mental health issues--way more severe than my DDs--but she knew how hard it was and how much a mom can suffer. Because really what you are describing, OP, is your suffering.

*Friend(s) who had difficult kid(s) and we could commiserrate and also strategize together.

Who was NOT on my team:

*DH--great guy but I don't count him as part of my team because--because it's better that way, for me, because he can screw up a bit; he doesn't really know how to handle DD and seems to be unteachable. So if I don't expect him to HELP me with my own issues with DD, it's so much better.

*Friends with NT kids who did not get how hard it is at all. Don't even try to explain. Even now, my friends with same-age kids were SO excited to have their kids come home after the first year of college, while I was not looking forward to it.

BTW, if you've read this far, I'll end with a bit of good news: my DD's psychiatrist, who specializes in these-types-of-kids, says so much brain growth goes on with these kids between 20-25. "By 25, you won't know her!"

HTH, OP!

New poster here, thanks so much for this! I have a DD with serious mental health issues and the past 5 years have been so tough. I am not excited about her starting college because I will miss her, but more important, I am terrified that she will not be able to handle it. But she is adamant that she wants to try and is relatively stable on meds right now. We have most of the team you mentioned in place, but any advice on finding an educational consultant? DD doesn't want this now, but I'd like to be prepared to offer this option if she starts to struggle.

I love the advice from your DD's psychiatrist -- I hope that's true!

[Anonymous]

Be sure to consistently tell her you love her. This is very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the second 19:33 PP here. I also counted down the years, then months, then weeks, until college. Not unusual; it's just a coping mechanism.

Agree with PPs that college might not be better, but in our case, it has been great. I'm visiting my DD now (she stayed in her college town during the summer to work--which would be inconceivable to me in the past). Really, it's all the best parts of being with her and little of the worst. Out of the house is key imo, because the dynamic changes. I will tell you, when she comes home to visit, she regresses. (Many kids do). But it's okay as I'm ready for that, and I remind myself that it's temporary.

OP, here is the biggest thing I've learned. Part of what's going on is you are probably shouldering a lot of whatever she needs to support her.

Kids like this need a team to support them, not just mom. It's too hard to be the whole team, by yourself. And you need a team to support YOU.

My DD's team:

*Her psychiatrist

* Her therapist

*Someone to test or retest your DD. Mine was not diagnosed with ADHD until after she graduated from high school. I *think* ADHD is more commonly diagnosed when a kid is faltering in school, but my DD was doing well enough that it went unnoticed.

* Her art teacher. More below. We fell into this situation, but what ended up happening was in high school, her art teacher came over every Friday evening. In truth, it was not about art, but really, a relationship between my DD and another middle aged adult woman who could offer advice and support.

* After high school (too late imo but that's how it played out) and educational therapist who specializes in ADHD. She still zooms with this person now, and I have not had to step in to pick classes or do logistics; this person both works with DD to do executive functioning but also to teach her how to do it. So much is off my plate because of this person.


My team:

*My therapist

*My physical therapist who has also becaome my friend and who has a difficult child and "gets it"

*In the past (before DD went to college) my DD's art teacher mentioned above, who became a friend too. Although we were about the same age (mid-50s) this art teacher had kids in their early 30s, and the youngest kid had tons of mental health issues--way more severe than my DDs--but she knew how hard it was and how much a mom can suffer. Because really what you are describing, OP, is your suffering.

*Friend(s) who had difficult kid(s) and we could commiserrate and also strategize together.

Who was NOT on my team:

*DH--great guy but I don't count him as part of my team because--because it's better that way, for me, because he can screw up a bit; he doesn't really know how to handle DD and seems to be unteachable. So if I don't expect him to HELP me with my own issues with DD, it's so much better.

*Friends with NT kids who did not get how hard it is at all. Don't even try to explain. Even now, my friends with same-age kids were SO excited to have their kids come home after the first year of college, while I was not looking forward to it.

BTW, if you've read this far, I'll end with a bit of good news: my DD's psychiatrist, who specializes in these-types-of-kids, says so much brain growth goes on with these kids between 20-25. "By 25, you won't know her!"

HTH, OP!

How much did this team cost? It seems prohibitively expensive.

[Anonymous]

Make her get a job, manage her own money, do her own laundry and cooking, and tell her that the day she turns 18, she's on her own. Worked great for my kids. Do not pay for college. That's not the parent's responsibility.