Interacting with inlaws

[Anonymous]

My parents have been controlling and mean on many occasions since my DH and I got married 2.5 years ago. The behavior is so ingrained in their personalities that it was going on before then, but we only really addressed it once we got married. I was awful at setting boundaries and didn’t stick up for my DH when I should. We fought constantly about it. We talked to a marriage counselor about it and I worked on my boundary setting/having a backbone. My parents did not respond well and would continue to cross boundaries. It was a painful process and my DH and I continued to fight. Eventually we put space between ourselves and my parents beginning earlier this year. They noticed but never said anything. We eventually got to the point where we had a few talks with them where they apologized but my mom was less genuinely apologetic than my dad. After our last interaction in May where they acted awkward around us and didn’t talk, we decided to cut them off for 1.5 months. They tried texting out wanting to talk and offered meeting with a therapist. Eventually we did family therapy session 2.5 weeks ago with them. I led the conversation. I felt like I had a heart to heart and got a genuine apology and desire to be better from both of them. My DH initially agreed with that assessment but now thinks the apology was not real. He wants to continue avoiding them, which I understand and respect. But I feel differently and want to have a relationship. However I know the pain I caused by not having boundaries originally and agree to not see or talk to them until DH is ready so we can be seen as a unit. I’m struggling with how to cope with the complete lack of control over my interactions with my parents and how to move forward in a way that respects my DH and also my own feelings. He is not ready to forgive and doesn’t know when it if he ever will be. Any recommendations on approaches that worked for others?

[Anonymous]

All that matters is behavior.
I'd say stop with the talking/analyizing/apologizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been controlling and mean on many occasions since my DH and I got married 2.5 years ago. The behavior is so ingrained in their personalities that it was going on before then, but we only really addressed it once we got married. I was awful at setting boundaries and didn’t stick up for my DH when I should. We fought constantly about it. We talked to a marriage counselor about it and I worked on my boundary setting/having a backbone. My parents did not respond well and would continue to cross boundaries. It was a painful process and my DH and I continued to fight. Eventually we put space between ourselves and my parents beginning earlier this year. They noticed but never said anything. We eventually got to the point where we had a few talks with them where they apologized but my mom was less genuinely apologetic than my dad. After our last interaction in May where they acted awkward around us and didn’t talk, we decided to cut them off for 1.5 months. They tried texting out wanting to talk and offered meeting with a therapist. Eventually we did family therapy session 2.5 weeks ago with them. I led the conversation. I felt like I had a heart to heart and got a genuine apology and desire to be better from both of them. My DH initially agreed with that assessment but now thinks the apology was not real. He wants to continue avoiding them, which I understand and respect. But I feel differently and want to have a relationship. However I know the pain I caused by not having boundaries originally and agree to not see or talk to them until DH is ready so we can be seen as a unit. I’m struggling with how to cope with the complete lack of control over my interactions with my parents and how to move forward in a way that respects my DH and also my own feelings. He is not ready to forgive and doesn’t know when it if he ever will be. Any recommendations on approaches that worked for others?

Girl, this is the third time (at least) you/your husband have posted about this.

I believe the consensus from both threads was that this marriage is not good, no matter your parents behavior. Your husband is never going to accept you having a relationship with your parents that he does not wholly control.

go to individual therapy for six months and grow a backbone. Ditch your controlling husband and set boundaries with your parents so you can find a new relationship in the future.

[Anonymous]

What does this have to do with in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does this have to do with in-laws?

I think OP means her DH's inlaws/her parents? It was kind of a rambling post, at best.

[Anonymous]

Actions speak louder than words. I don't put a ton of weight into apologies - I care more about how people change going forward.

If you want to call your dad to chat for 20 minutes, you can do that. You and your husband don't need to hold hands and skip down the street in perfect unison. You can each have your own relationships.

[Anonymous]

You cut them off for 1.5 months because of awkward lack of conversation? Ok…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actions speak louder than words. I don't put a ton of weight into apologies - I care more about how people change going forward.

If you want to call your dad to chat for 20 minutes, you can do that. You and your husband don't need to hold hands and skip down the street in perfect unison. You can each have your own relationships.

I think my DH is concerned that if I talk to them like everything is ok, it makes him look like the one with the problem. So I feel like we need to work together to an extent, but it’s totally up to him and when he is ready. Which is fine up to a point, right?