Supporting parent out of verbally abusive situation

[Anonymous]

Ugh... Can't believe I'm even here having to write this. My parent has been in a verbally abusive relationship for a long time, with long stretches of ok-ness in between just to convince everyone that things were ok. Well, they aren't ok. I have no idea where to start. I am trying to myself recover from some pretty tough years. like three in a row. But I find myself one of the sole contacts for a parent that is attempting to escape a not so good situation in a state where abuse is normalized, abusers are lauded and generational violence is standard.

As the sole descendant who was raised out side of this environment, I find myself in the bizarre position of counseling this parent through some crazy situations and I don't even know what the persons options are. I feel like I need a chef/nutritionist/priest/lawyer/friend for this parent and don't know how to provide the person. I'm over 700 miles away and have my own challenges. Help! What kinds of supports are available for adults who aren't looking to prosecute, but want legal and emotional support out of their situation. Divorce isn't a word in their community, so keep in mind it will be a very sticky legal situation. I'm doing my best to encourage optimism, but I don't even know what else to do. I'm not a counselor and have my own limitations. I would love to know about national supports i can hold out as resources. I use the warmline myself because I'm still on a waitlist for therapy, which I know will help.

Please help. What suggestions do you have if you're counseling a parent out of tough stuff.

TIA!!!

[Anonymous]

OP - If your mother is at-risk of or actually experiencing direct physical abuse, then you need to consider how you could bring her to your home for "a visit,' and then go from there on trying to figure out what she might really want to do away from the abuser and able to have a clearer head on options. If her world has become so closed off by her abuser and she will never leave, then try to encourage her to get out of the house to be around other folks to see if "normality" can help her understand she needs to consider what could be a better life for herself. Along this idea, could she get a part-time job, get involved in a volunteer job, join a gym or community exercise program. If she will not confide in others, then just getting out of the house and being around other folks to build or rebuild social skills and broaden her framework of what is "normal" may be the best way to help her in decision-making.

You might also do some research on resources - local, regional or state - that could provide free and confidential phone line on domestic abuse, programs dealing with and offering domestic abuse shelter, agency dealing with mental health and therapy for low-income folks that may offer a service for your mom. It sounds like the closest thing to a professional she might consider confiding in would be her pastor so suggest that route.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much. OP here. These are all great suggestions. I wish she weren't so isolated, but she's not driving and hasn't had access to her vehicle for months. There is no physical abuse happening. Doesn't matter, as the verbal stuff is just as bad. And harder to prove.

Thanks. I will start Monday calling about support for DV. She hates therapy though still goes, and her therapists are not at all supportive of her or aware of the abuse.

I think you're right. I need to locate a pastor/other religious person who could be her ally.

[Anonymous]

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a website, thehotline.org. You can look up information and resources for your Mom there, chat with a counselor online, or call them 24/7 for advice.

Encourage her to tell her therapist or doctor about the abuse because they can help direct her to local sources of help.

[Anonymous]

You can also call the local Adult Protective Services. You can explain to them what is going on and if that is something they can help with.