If you felt there isn't an equal balance in their relationship

[Anonymous]

If you felt there isn't an equal balance in their relationship and your kid is the one making all compromises, how would you feel? For example, every time he/she is suppose to come, something happens, covid, flu, work, exam, family matter, whatever to cancel while your kid always changes their plans to accommodate their significant other, even future plans are dependent on partner's career trajectory, not your child's trajectory. Would you say that it seems your child is always compromising or covering up for them or stay out if it. Not even a comment?

[Anonymous]

Stay completely out of it. You can't manage other people's relationships and I'd be concerned that saying anything would put more pressure on your child.

We all have to learn how to manage our relationships and sometimes it's hard.

[Anonymous]

You can ask questions ***really*** diplomatically, about your child's future career prospects, or whatever it is that worries you. But please tread lightly. Would you rather they become resentful and divorce? Sometimes I felt that my mother really wanted me to divorce, without a thought for the geographic and financial consequences for my children and myself (we were on a visa dependent on my husband's job), and I felt trapped in the middle of two stubborn people who thought they knew what was best for me. It was awful. I'd rather make my own mistakes, OP.

Now if you think something rises to the level of abuse, you can say something more bluntly, of course.

[Anonymous]

They are early 20's, engaged but not marrying for at least 5 years. All seems good, no red flags but very clear that one person is compromising a lot more to be with the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can ask questions ***really*** diplomatically, about your child's future career prospects, or whatever it is that worries you. But please tread lightly. Would you rather they become resentful and divorce? Sometimes I felt that my mother really wanted me to divorce, without a thought for the geographic and financial consequences for my children and myself (we were on a visa dependent on my husband's job), and I felt trapped in the middle of two stubborn people who thought they knew what was best for me. It was awful. I'd rather make my own mistakes, OP.

Now if you think something rises to the level of abuse, you can say something more bluntly, of course.

I wouldn't want any issues in their relationship hence not commenting. They aren't financially or otherwise dependent on each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are early 20's, engaged but not marrying for at least 5 years. All seems good, no red flags but very clear that one person is compromising a lot more to be with the other.

And that's their choice. Relationships aren't always 50/50: sometimes its 20/80 and sometimes its 60/40 and this varies over time and circumstances. Instead of wanting them to live up to your relationship expectations, why not offer to help if your child says they are overwhelmed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are early 20's, engaged but not marrying for at least 5 years. All seems good, no red flags but very clear that one person is compromising a lot more to be with the other.

And that's their choice. Relationships aren't always 50/50: sometimes its 20/80 and sometimes its 60/40 and this varies over time and circumstances. Instead of wanting them to live up to your relationship expectations, why not offer to help if your child says they are overwhelmed?

[Anonymous]

You should never, ever comment. You don't come between a marriage like that.

FWIW my mom always thinks we make plans around dh's schedule, but that's okay with me. He's in his dream job and it means a lot more to him than mine. Mine is more flexible and pays a bit more (mom doesn't realize that). My mom is always harping about my "secretarial job," when in reality I'm a manager making 150k. I think she really only understands the secretarial aspects of it (writing memos sounds secretarial, but these aren't)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are early 20's, engaged but not marrying for at least 5 years. All seems good, no red flags but very clear that one person is compromising a lot more to be with the other.

And that's their choice. Relationships aren't always 50/50: sometimes its 20/80 and sometimes its 60/40 and this varies over time and circumstances. Instead of wanting them to live up to your relationship expectations, why not offer to help if your child says they are overwhelmed?

No help is needed. Child isn't feeling overwhelmed. Its more like she'll drop everything if he needs help but he is often busy when she does. She'll clear up schedule to visit his family but he won't for hers. They'll move wherever he wants to go to grad school or work but she'll just transfer or find something there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should never, ever comment. You don't come between a marriage like that.

FWIW my mom always thinks we make plans around dh's schedule, but that's okay with me. He's in his dream job and it means a lot more to him than mine. Mine is more flexible and pays a bit more (mom doesn't realize that). My mom is always harping about my "secretarial job," when in reality I'm a manager making 150k. I think she really only understands the secretarial aspects of it (writing memos sounds secretarial, but these aren't)

She wants your career and your family to be as important as his?

[Anonymous]

It is impossible to say what is going here, but either way it won't serve you to say anything.

Perhaps your child simply doesn't want to visit with you and uses their fiance as an excuse.

Perhaps your child has no career aims and is happy to not have a career while they support their spouse.

Perhaps the fiancee is a manipulative and abusive jerk who is keeping your child away from you.

It could be anything. If you must say something, I would stick to questions about their happiness.

[Anonymous]

Before you jump in, go read the "why I hate my MIL" threads.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't interfere AT ALL unless there were signs of abuse - physical or psychological.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your child simply doesn't want to visit with you and uses their fiance as an excuse.

A. Kid is very loving and clearly enjoys visiting.

Perhaps your child has no career aims and is happy to not have a career while they support their spouse.

A. Kid is a high achiever and got a high salary job right after graduation last year.

Perhaps the fiancee is a manipulative and abusive jerk who is keeping your child away from you.

A. No. We haven't met more than a couple of times but he seems nice and decent, just prioritizing their personal needs.

It could be anything. If you must say something, I would stick to questions about their happiness.

A. My kid seems happy but compromising their self interests for mutual interest and covering for partner's shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Btw Kid works virtually so visits every month, often leaves early if partner asks. Partner is in grad school but applying to dental schools next year.