When your brother stops caring

[Anonymous]

Looking for advice on a painful situation. As my brother has gotten older he has cared less and less about his family. We were close growing up. He and his family moved cross country a few years ago for SIL’s job and he puts no effort into maintaining ties with me or parents. SIL from what i can tell makes the effort with her family. He doesn’t initiate calls or visits but gets pouty if we dont always initiate. The final straw was yesterday when my parents and I sent our nephew (his son) birthday presents and we called or texted because we wanted to say hello on FaceTime or a call for a few minutes and he didn’t text anyone all day or find a minute or two. not even once. Didn’t even acknowledge the gifts. He was home and SILs family was there for the birthday party. There are no fights or acrimony between us to explain this. He just doesn’t care. his family is not a priority. We had a big talk about this many years ago and he wanted to work on it but nothing has changed.

I want to drop the rope for good but I want to have a mature conversation since we were close. Any advice on how to do this productively would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

What is there to talk about? He doesn't want a relationship. Next time he gets pouty that you don't call, remind him that phones go both ways and its been a long, long time since he called you or your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to talk about? He doesn't want a relationship. Next time he gets pouty that you don't call, remind him that phones go both ways and its been a long, long time since he called you or your parents.

This, You had a talk already. I would say he just isn't into you, but the pouty part is manipulative. I would call him on it next time it happens. Otherwise drop the rope. Be distant, but polite to keep the door open.

[Anonymous]

One of my brothers is dead, but my other brother (20 years my junior) is an Apostolic minister who does not speak to me because I left the church more than 20 years ago. He was a small child then. In my family, the church is more important than human relationships. He had a new baby yesterday, and someone sent a pic to me today, because my only way to get info about my own family is by proxy. I moved a thousand miles from everyone and started a new life for myself. My brother was raised to be a minister. I raised myself to be a rebel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my brothers is dead, but my other brother (20 years my junior) is an Apostolic minister who does not speak to me because I left the church more than 20 years ago. He was a small child then. In my family, the church is more important than human relationships. He had a new baby yesterday, and someone sent a pic to me today, because my only way to get info about my own family is by proxy. I moved a thousand miles from everyone and started a new life for myself. My brother was raised to be a minister. I raised myself to be a rebel.

OK?

[Anonymous]

You said how you feel, he knows how you feel. No need to re-hash. Your family is not a priority to him; that is the painful truth. Keep reaching out at a rate you feel comfortable with in ways you feel comfortable with, that's all you can do.

[Anonymous]

I would neither drop the rope completely or initiate a "mature conversation." The later is just going to make him defensive or he will promise things he won't follow through on which will make you more mad.

Just back off. Send presents or reach out occasionally if you feel like it but don't expect he is going to respond in kind or make time for you to FaceTime with his kid. Maybe when he is older, and/or his kid is older, he will be more proactive.

My brother, over a 30 year span, is sometimes more engaged and sometimes less engaged. I just take him where he is and don't get all wrapped up in thinking about how I wish he was different.

[Anonymous]

You contact him because you want to, OP, not because you expect reciprocity. He could have inattentive ADHD, Asperger's, or maybe he just doesn't feel the need to contact you so frequently, even though he loves you. Whatever the reason, just contact him when you feel like it.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP above -

One other thing is that you are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels and why he acts the way he does but you don't really know what is behind his actions.

You don't know that he has "stopped caring" and you don't know what was going on in his household yesterday. Maybe some terrible thing just happened with his in-laws, or whatever.

Just pay attention to the difference between facts and assumptions. The first you know. The second is just a guess. But you are using both to build a specific narrative for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, just want to note that sometimes it's really not convenient when multiple people call the day of the birthday, especially when it's already hectic. My husband's family doesn't do that - first, they don't necessarily remember every niece and nephews' birthday, which is fine. For my husband and his brothers, they call each other either day of, or in the days after their birthday. It's a big family and they don't think sending gifts and wishes the day of is important. My parents are the opposite, they religiously remember the day, and insist on calling that day. EITHER IS FINE. If your brother is anything like my husband and I, hosting a party is already stressful enough, we don't necessarily want to call back a host of other people as well. We can call them later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP above -

One other thing is that you are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels and why he acts the way he does but you don't really know what is behind his actions.

You don't know that he has "stopped caring" and you don't know what was going on in his household yesterday. Maybe some terrible thing just happened with his in-laws, or whatever.

Just pay attention to the difference between facts and assumptions. The first you know. The second is just a guess. But you are using both to build a specific narrative for yourself.

Very true. People often do that because they cannot fathom others doing things differently than they do. They immediately assume others are doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation with my brother. He’s a workaholic who complains about his demanding job, but does nothing to fix the situation. He always says he’s so busy. Since our parents have both passed, we rarely talk. I would like a closer relationship, but it is what it is and I can’t change him. He knows how to reach me if he’s interested.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you feel you need to have a conversation about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my brothers is dead, but my other brother (20 years my junior) is an Apostolic minister who does not speak to me because I left the church more than 20 years ago. He was a small child then. In my family, the church is more important than human relationships. He had a new baby yesterday, and someone sent a pic to me today, because my only way to get info about my own family is by proxy. I moved a thousand miles from everyone and started a new life for myself. My brother was raised to be a minister. I raised myself to be a rebel.

And now you post about it on unrelated threads every chance you get. Would you say you’ve healed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to talk about? He doesn't want a relationship. Next time he gets pouty that you don't call, remind him that phones go both ways and its been a long, long time since he called you or your parents.

This, You had a talk already. I would say he just isn't into you, but the pouty part is manipulative. I would call him on it next time it happens. Otherwise drop the rope. Be distant, but polite to keep the door open.

I agree. There is nothing to talk about. Send cards, send gifts if you want, call when you want, but stop expecting anything else. Don't accept his pouting. But there's no need to have A Talk.