Mom driving me insane

[Anonymous]

I am in my late 40s, and have a child with behavioral disabilities and a stressful job. My mom, who lives a few blocks away, is always trying to task me with additional things to do whenever we talk - not favors for her, but rather things like "you need to donate Bobby's old scooter, since he has outgrown it," or "You need to get your windows washed," or "you need to put a tarp over your bike."

It is driving me insane. I literally don't want to spend time with her at this point. I feel like I am at a breaking point, I am a grown woman with a LOT of responsibilities, and I don't want her to constantly be attempting to task me with more.

I have tried to politely explain how I feel, but it went nowhere.

Any suggestions on how to handle? It makes me want to avoid her.

[Anonymous]

"You need to stop parenting me and let me decide how to use my very scarce time and energy."

[Anonymous]

'Are you offering to help? Or are you assigning me chores to do at my own house?"

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I am doing things in the order of priority. Please stop suggesting tasks. I find it unhelpful and stressful. I'd like our time together to be enjoyable, not a source of additional stress."

And then stop spending time w/ her if she can't back off. And tell her why you're doing it.

Hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

"And YOU need to mind your own business. Maybe you MEAN to be helpful, but you're just not when you say things like this."

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you, I genuinely appreciate the support.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is she? I am the same age and over the past few years my mother has lost her sense of boundaries and has decided she is a wise sage mother who must nag and give unsolicited advice. She's out of control with rage and entitlement too, but that's another post. Anyway since she passes a dementia screen I wonder if it's an early stage of dementia. As she regresses she goes back to the absolute worst of her parenting strategies.

Boundaries are your friend and stay as calm as possible. "Mom I have a stressful life due to x, y, and z. I am not looking for suggestions or nagging from you and will not continue to engage with you when you do so." I used to be nicey nice and tip toe around her feelings and be polite and it just didn't work. Her brain no longer picks up subtle messages and she could not read between lines anymore. Knock it off was all she understood and she was pissed, but usually she backs down for a while. If your mom is like mine she will yell. Calmly get off the phone or leave if she does so. Aint nobody got time for that nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is she? I am the same age and over the past few years my mother has lost her sense of boundaries and has decided she is a wise sage mother who must nag and give unsolicited advice. She's out of control with rage and entitlement too, but that's another post. Anyway since she passes a dementia screen I wonder if it's an early stage of dementia. As she regresses she goes back to the absolute worst of her parenting strategies.

Boundaries are your friend and stay as calm as possible. "Mom I have a stressful life due to x, y, and z. I am not looking for suggestions or nagging from you and will not continue to engage with you when you do so." I used to be nicey nice and tip toe around her feelings and be polite and it just didn't work. Her brain no longer picks up subtle messages and she could not read between lines anymore. Knock it off was all she understood and she was pissed, but usually she backs down for a while. If your mom is like mine she will yell. Calmly get off the phone or leave if she does so. Aint nobody got time for that nonsense.

I meant I am the same age as you. Also,I have a lot in common with you.

[Anonymous]

I can’t FaceTime with my mom because she’ll comment on messes or what she thinks we should renovate. Or even fruit in the fruit bowl: last week was “don’t you think you should do something with those bananas?”. It’s exhausting. We only share photos with totally neutral backgrounds like parks or blank walls so she won’t comment on our house decor, the state of our yard, or whether our front door threshold needs paint (which is the only thing she found remarkable about my DS’s 1st day of Kindergarten!).. These are all things she’s found to criticize instead of enjoying photos of her only grandchildren!

I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to have someone with this mindset living a few doors away. Nothing you do will please your mom so please don’t take action based on her comments.

[Anonymous]

LOL ^^. I love the banana comment.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, mom, I’ll take care of that when I get a chance.
Repeat as needed, then ignore.
Play a game with yourself - when you get up to 10 or 15 or whatever, treat yourself to an x of your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t FaceTime with my mom because she’ll comment on messes or what she thinks we should renovate. Or even fruit in the fruit bowl: last week was “don’t you think you should do something with those bananas?”. It’s exhausting. We only share photos with totally neutral backgrounds like parks or blank walls so she won’t comment on our house decor, the state of our yard, or whether our front door threshold needs paint (which is the only thing she found remarkable about my DS’s 1st day of Kindergarten!).. These are all things she’s found to criticize instead of enjoying photos of her only grandchildren!

I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to have someone with this mindset living a few doors away. Nothing you do will please your mom so please don’t take action based on her comments.

This is my mom. We have real problems (child with special needs, another with medical issues, husband had health scare, yada yada) and she is busy obsessing about bananas, painting thresholds and that our wood floors need to be replaced. Don't even get me started about how the inside of our home needs to be painted. My mother has had way too charmed a life. The problem is even minor hardship sends her into a pity party and doesn't build character.

[Anonymous]

NP. Oh wow, I didn't realize this was a common thing!

I haven't solved the problem. I've tried having a talk with my mom. to no avail. I just have a handful of pat responses.

"I'll let YOU know when I have time to get around to painting the kitchen."

"If you're offering to pay for a new back deck, I'll accept the offer."

"I'm not buying new curtains. I told you that. You forgot ALREADY?!""

"Yes Mom, I know you think I have too many dish towels."

[Anonymous]

I moved, OP. At 20, I put the Atlantic ocean between us.
And I dealt with my son with severe ADHD all by myself, I dealt with marriage issues all by myself, and I did not tell her anything beyond superficial small talk. And she still tried to nag me about *things I absolutely need to do right now!!!* over the phone, but it's much easier to pretend I have to go during a phone conversation.

So... if you can't move, you'll have to stop seeing her and take her calls that frequently. I hope she doesn't have your house key...

[Anonymous]

OP, we must have the same Mom! I think some great suggestions were offered above. If you otherwise enjoy your critical Mom, side tracker or ignore as the others have mentioned. And for awhile visit at her home and not yours but tell her how you feel when you are in a calm state.