Shy teen struggling socially

[Anonymous]

DD is a shy late bloomer finishing her freshman year at a large public high school. She has a best friend who has been her world for ten years but otherwise, she has a hard time connecting with friends at school or her very intense extracurricular activity that occupies much of her time. I’ve tried to help her branch out to widen her social circle because she is often lonely when her best friend isn’t around, but she’s past the age when she wants my help arranging social outings and my suggestions (join a club, exchange numbers to work on homework, invite a new friend to go shopping) seem scary to her. She often eats lunch alone, rarely gets invited to do things, and tells me she feels like a loser. It breaks my heart and I just don’t know how to help her. From the outside she’s smart, kind, talented, pretty. Adults tell me all the time what a great kid she is. But she really struggles with her peers. How can I help her open up and make more friends?

[Anonymous]

You can’t. Let her be lonely. At some point she’ll take the suggestions you’ve already given her.

[Anonymous]

Is her intense extracurricular an individual or group activity? I might rethink it if it were an individual activity- it could very well be a place where she feels safe and can hide from socializing, but it certainly wouldn’t help the social anxiety feedback loop she sounds locked into.

If her activity is a group activity, then it may also be time to pursue literally any other activity in addition to it. Something low-key is fine but she absolutely needs to find a morning, lunchtime, or after-school club that’s compatible with her other extracurricular and that meets on a regular basis. First week of sophomore year is a great time for a fresh start- if she’s at a big school no one will think it’s strange that they didn’t notice her and they’ll just assume they never overlapped in classes. Very feel people- probably none!-perceive her the negative way she does.

This is also a situation that has escalated to the point that a therapist who works with teens experiencing social anxiety would be so helpful. Or even a group therapy session sponsored by one.

[Anonymous]

It’s huge that she has that one best friend. Some people don’t even have that! And she has maintained that relationship for a long time, which is another very positive sign.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thanks for the suggestions and perspective. I feel blessed she has a best friend, and when they are together, it’s a wonderfully nurturing friendship. But her friend is often out of town and misses lots of school due to allergies. And they are involved in different activities after school. DD really needs to learn how to open up to other kids, but her social anxiety is crippling. I’ve tried to find a therapist for her all year, but the schedule doesn’t work, or there’s no availability, or DD refuses to go. We’re still looking, and would appreciate any recommendations. We’re in MoCo. Full disclosure, I was exactly the same way at her age and ended up in a bad romantic relationship because making friends was too hard. I spent my 20s and 30s in therapy trying to learn what I hope I can help her learn now. But clearly, she can’t learn it from me.

[Anonymous]

I have the male version of your daughter. My 9th grader really has a hard time transitioning to high school. I wish I had gotten him help sooner but in March he started seeing a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt). He has specific goals and assignments like the first month was to say hi or something to the student seated next to him in 2 clases. Or ask the person a question. The therapist has given him handouts in catastrophic thinking and he provides examples. In middle school I had him try a therapist who just talked about feelings and he made no progress and didn’t see the point in going.

And he started medication which has taken a while to kick in and to be increased to the correct dosage.

I am really hoping 10th grade will be better.

[Anonymous]

Its the social anxiety. She has her best friend who I am assuming she has known since kindergarten bc that friendship was made before her anxiety kicked in. She needs either intensive therapy or medication, or both.

I would force her to do something that is more likely to make friendships. So many parents are afraid to push their anxious kids, but letting them crawl into their holes is the worst thing for them. Theater kids are notoriously welcoming and nonjudgmental and you can do stage crew to avoid the stage. Affinity groups like gay straight alliance also.

How about overnight camp? Maybe too late to find one, but its almost impossible not to make friends there. Maybe not school friends but will help her get over some of her fear. My other idea would be youth group at a church. I'm completely agnostic, but this is a place where the leaders will really push kids together.

I really do urge you to have her assessed via a psychologist as your first priority. But, I will add my final recommendation - and its a shallow one - is there anything physically that can help her gain confidence? Teens are shallow. Fashionable clothes and hair cut actually do help, if only for HER to gain some confidence. I have seen that some outcast kids in a school setting often dress like they are still in 5th or 6th grade, which doesn't doesn't invite positive attention. It certainly can't hurt to take one thing off her anxiety plate (looking different).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks for the suggestions and perspective. I feel blessed she has a best friend, and when they are together, it’s a wonderfully nurturing friendship. But her friend is often out of town and misses lots of school due to allergies. And they are involved in different activities after school. DD really needs to learn how to open up to other kids, but her social anxiety is crippling. I’ve tried to find a therapist for her all year, but the schedule doesn’t work, or there’s no availability, or DD refuses to go. We’re still looking, and would appreciate any recommendations. We’re in MoCo. Full disclosure, I was exactly the same way at her age and ended up in a bad romantic relationship because making friends was too hard. I spent my 20s and 30s in therapy trying to learn what I hope I can help her learn now. But clearly, she can’t learn it from me.

Your path is not the path your daughter will have. She will have an entirely different story.

I was shy in high school, hardly had friends, and went to college & had a fantastic time. I thoroughly enjoyed my 20s, and later got married to a great man yada yada

[Anonymous]

OP here: DD’s activity is pre-professional dance - 15-20 hours a week. Dance gets a bad rap on this board for being competitive, but DD’s dance school is not the source of her anxiety. If anything, it gives her a stable group of kids with similar interests and lots of time together. She has made a few casual acquaintances, but noone she feel comfortable having over. And it doesn’t help her at school. She also plays in the school band, and we’d hoped that would lead to friendships but it hasn’t. I agree that anxiety is the most significant explanation for her troubles. We really need to find her a good therapist, but her last one was so ineffective, she is skeptical it will help. And the more I push her, the more she retreats and feels I’m judging her. PP asked about appearance and she is beautiful, not just pretty. So I don’t think that’s a barrier, but it does confuse adults who think she can’t have problems connecting with other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a shy late bloomer finishing her freshman year at a large public high school. She has a best friend who has been her world for ten years but otherwise, she has a hard time connecting with friends at school or her very intense extracurricular activity that occupies much of her time. I’ve tried to help her branch out to widen her social circle because she is often lonely when her best friend isn’t around, but she’s past the age when she wants my help arranging social outings and my suggestions (join a club, exchange numbers to work on homework, invite a new friend to go shopping) seem scary to her. She often eats lunch alone, rarely gets invited to do things, and tells me she feels like a loser. It breaks my heart and I just don’t know how to help her. From the outside she’s smart, kind, talented, pretty. Adults tell me all the time what a great kid she is. But she really struggles with her peers. How can I help her open up and make more friends?

My DD got a part time job that by necessity forces a lot of interaction between her and her coworkers. It has given her a social outlet as the kids all hang out and complain about their manager and joke around with each other.

[Anonymous]

Any other outlets you can think of? Maybe a teen group based on your religion (even if you aren't that religious). I am Jewish and in high school I joined a (non religious) Jewish teen group that was a good social outlet. Usually you can find "nice" kids in those kind of groups.

I was also very shy as a teen. My parents tried a number of things. Sleep away camp was also good for me - but you need to find the right one. Also, as a PP mentioned, a job was helpful because I had to speak up.

[Anonymous]

First off, good sign she has a best friend (as another person mentioned). Many girls, even ones with more friends wish they has a besty. Let her know that is a big deal and shows some solid social skills. You'd be surprised how many popular girls feel alone and like their "friends" would stab them in the back for a guy or higher social status.

Next, maybe identify something, anything new she could try this summer. It could be a teen class at the community center, or a group lesson or a church/temple/mosque teen outing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, good sign she has a best friend (as another person mentioned). Many girls, even ones with more friends wish they has a besty. Let her know that is a big deal and shows some solid social skills. You'd be surprised how many popular girls feel alone and like their "friends" would stab them in the back for a guy or higher social status.

Next, maybe identify something, anything new she could try this summer. It could be a teen class at the community center, or a group lesson or a church/temple/mosque teen outing.

I forgot the add the next step....give her a sweet and gently verbal shove out the door to do one of these things. She gets to chose the options if she wants and make her choice, but she doesn't get to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other outlets you can think of? Maybe a teen group based on your religion (even if you aren't that religious). I am Jewish and in high school I joined a (non religious) Jewish teen group that was a good social outlet. Usually you can find "nice" kids in those kind of groups.

I was also very shy as a teen. My parents tried a number of things. Sleep away camp was also good for me - but you need to find the right one. Also, as a PP mentioned, a job was helpful because I had to speak up.

Thanks to you and PP who suggested a job. Task oriented interactions are good for her and she often rallies to lead group work at school, group choreography assignments, etc. So in those situations, it seems her desire to do well outweighs her anxiety. I encouraged her to try theater tech crew but the commitment was too great. She just started a volunteer job and there are other volunteers there but none that go to her school. I’ll explore this avenue further, thanks!

Also, I took a leap of faith and signed her up for an outward bound adventure this summer hoping it will challenge her just enough to overcome her anxiety. I’m not sure who is more nervous, her or me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, good sign she has a best friend (as another person mentioned). Many girls, even ones with more friends wish they has a besty. Let her know that is a big deal and shows some solid social skills. You'd be surprised how many popular girls feel alone and like their "friends" would stab them in the back for a guy or higher social status.

Next, maybe identify something, anything new she could try this summer. It could be a teen class at the community center, or a group lesson or a church/temple/mosque teen outing.

I forgot the add the next step....give her a sweet and gently verbal shove out the door to do one of these things. She gets to chose the options if she wants and make her choice, but she doesn't get to avoid.

Thanks!