Why does my mother do this and why do I care?

[Anonymous]

I work in a very niche industry. My mother will brag about me and ask for advice while simultaneously (and more often) act like I’m clueless about anything relative while sharing obvious “tips” (I guarantee they’d be obvious to you, for example.)

It drives me nuts because what does she think I’ve been doing all day for the past 14 years? But why do I care?

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example?

[Anonymous]

I imagine you care because it feels like your mother is not treating you as an adult or respecting your training, hard work, and accomplishments. It’s minimizing, rather than validating.

Why your mother is doing this is a question that’s probably impossible for a stranger to answer. There is a function to this behavior, though, it “gets” her something she wants. That said, you don’t need to know the motivation. What you do need is boundaries. Brainstorm some ways to stop and redirect the conversation when it starts feeling crummy for you. Remember that you can’t control your mother’s behavior, but you can control your own words and actions.

[Anonymous]

You care because she is your mother.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this but she’s definitely on the narcissistic personality spectrum. When she brags about me, it’s her way of claiming my accomplishments as her own, and when I am around and she gives me advice, it’s her way of cutting me down/minimizing my accomplishments. She wants to show me that she knows more than I do and I wouldn’t be where I am without her “expert” advice and influence. The reality is that when she’s around me she feels threatened or diminished so she has to minimize me or take credit for me, or both.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this. It was weird and probably narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in a very niche industry. My mother will brag about me and ask for advice while simultaneously (and more often) act like I’m clueless about anything relative while sharing obvious “tips” (I guarantee they’d be obvious to you, for example.)

It drives me nuts because what does she think I’ve been doing all day for the past 14 years? But why do I care?

No matter how old your children are, mother's still look at you as their baby and you will do the same with your children
One day she will never do this again and you will ache for just one more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a very niche industry. My mother will brag about me and ask for advice while simultaneously (and more often) act like I’m clueless about anything relative while sharing obvious “tips” (I guarantee they’d be obvious to you, for example.)

It drives me nuts because what does she think I’ve been doing all day for the past 14 years? But why do I care?

No matter how old your children are, mother's still look at you as their baby and you will do the same with your children
One day she will never do this again and you will ache for just one more time.

Oh brother. Couldn’t even get to page 2 before someone came in singing this old tune.

[Anonymous]

I think most moms do this. They like to brag about their kids. They like to give advice and tips, because they like to feel useful, even if it’s not actually helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in a very niche industry. My mother will brag about me and ask for advice while simultaneously (and more often) act like I’m clueless about anything relative while sharing obvious “tips” (I guarantee they’d be obvious to you, for example.)

It drives me nuts because what does she think I’ve been doing all day for the past 14 years? But why do I care?

You might want to try asking your mom for advice about something she knows well. Whether it's for a recipe, or for gardening, whatever. I think it sounds like she's just trying to make conversation with you on something she knows you care about it, while also trying to be helpful, but kind of failing at it.