Do you feel awkward or comfortable around your child's teachers?

[Anonymous]

Coming to the end of my oldest's 1st grade year, I'm surprised to find I still feel pretty awkward when interacting with his teachers. It's just the in person interaction that feels uncomfortable -- we communicate via email and very occasionally text and that all feels normal. But pretty much every pick up, drop off, or school event, I find myself feeling awkward and uncomfortable talking to his teachers, like I can't quite figure out the correct level of formality and friendliness. During drop off, in particular, I feel like I never get it right -- if I drop off quickly I feel rude, if I stop to have a short conversation I feel like I'm holding them up.

I'm just surprised because I'm not socially awkward generally and even if at first a relationship feels a little uncomfortable, I'm very much a "fake it til you make it person." I can't think of another person I've had a whole year's worth of interactions with and still felt awkward around them to the point that I kind of dread having to see them. I don't feel this way around the daycare teachers for my younger son, nor any of our activity teachers/coaches. But I wonder if it's because we have a financial relationship with those people? Maybe I'm having a hard time with transitioning to a public school setting where I don't personally hire and pay the teachers so it changes the dynamic a bit? I'm not sure.

Does this get easier as they get older? I don't think his teachers are socially awkward -- it's more like the relationship feels a little undefined and uneasy and somehow that hasn't gotten better all year. Last year we were remote all year and it was also awkward but I wrote it off because everything about last year was worse than normal. But now I'm wondering if this is just how it is.

[Anonymous]

It definitely gets easier as they get older, simply because you will be communicating/interacting with teachers less often with each passing year.

[Anonymous]

I feel that way. Also with a first grader. Thank you for writing this. I suspect for me, if I was more involved with classroom it would have been different. Our teacher is a bit more formal in person than on a zoom. That might be an aspect of it as well. They are in a professional role and may need to be “on” a bit more when we are face to face to maintain the proper boundary.

[Anonymous]

I feel awkard, but I am an awkward person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel that way. Also with a first grader. Thank you for writing this. I suspect for me, if I was more involved with classroom it would have been different. Our teacher is a bit more formal in person than on a zoom. That might be an aspect of it as well. They are in a professional role and may need to be “on” a bit more when we are face to face to maintain the proper boundary.

OP here. Glad I'm not alone. I wouldn't be so sure about the classroom involvement piece. I'd actually say I'm one of the more involved parents in the class and I don't think it helps that much. It just puts me in the situation of needing to talk to the teachers about something more frequently, and you'd think that increased exposure would make it feel less awkward, but it doesn't. I'm actually thinking next year I will not volunteer for stuff as much because I find myself really envying the parents who have very minimal interactions with the teachers. I think I'd like that to be me.

[Anonymous]

1st grade parent here.

I think through the constant talk about teachers leaving, I'm ultra paranoid of raising anything with my kids' teachers or possibly offending them in the slightest way. That makes dialogue about even actual issues awkward.

[Anonymous]

Teachers probably feel more awkward. We have to be ourselves but be professional without ever really knowing how or what we say might be interpreted due to different social and cultural norms, administration, parent reactions, etc. We have sometimes strict guidelines about what we can and cannot say to parents and I often feel I’m talking in circles because of it. I just try to be an extra professional version of myself which is more difficult in person since administrators, other teachers, parents, and children are watching our every move all day long. Email is sometimes easier because you can be more direct. It becomes legal record though so you have to choose your words wisely. Sometimes administrators or other staff want to give their input. These things just make emails an additional pressure for many teachers.

In schools you basically have to adjust your behavior to be somewhat standoffish and guarded around parents. It’s quite unfortunate and frankly uncomfortable at times. I don’t find the same issues when providing home based services. Parents watch you more closely but they also see your intentions. If you do or say something they don’t agree with it’s easy to apologize, work through it, and move on. Similar situations in schools might cause an ordeal depending on how administrators and parents handle it. Unfortunately the way situations are handled varies greatly and is often unknown. Teachers walk on eggshells sometimes and it’s really not worth it given the lack of pay and support they sometimes receive.

So next time you feel awkward, just know that the teacher probably feels that same way and it’s probably not “you” but the situation.

[Anonymous]

No, never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teachers probably feel more awkward. We have to be ourselves but be professional without ever really knowing how or what we say might be interpreted due to different social and cultural norms, administration, parent reactions, etc. We have sometimes strict guidelines about what we can and cannot say to parents and I often feel I’m talking in circles because of it. I just try to be an extra professional version of myself which is more difficult in person since administrators, other teachers, parents, and children are watching our every move all day long. Email is sometimes easier because you can be more direct. It becomes legal record though so you have to choose your words wisely. Sometimes administrators or other staff want to give their input. These things just make emails an additional pressure for many teachers.

In schools you basically have to adjust your behavior to be somewhat standoffish and guarded around parents. It’s quite unfortunate and frankly uncomfortable at times. I don’t find the same issues when providing home based services. Parents watch you more closely but they also see your intentions. If you do or say something they don’t agree with it’s easy to apologize, work through it, and move on. Similar situations in schools might cause an ordeal depending on how administrators and parents handle it. Unfortunately the way situations are handled varies greatly and is often unknown. Teachers walk on eggshells sometimes and it’s really not worth it given the lack of pay and support they sometimes receive.

So next time you feel awkward, just know that the teacher probably feels that same way and it’s probably not “you” but the situation.

OP here. I really appreciate this perspective -- it's enlightening. You are probably right. I think this is going to help me approach these interactions with less worry about the awkwardness. I need to remember this is one of dozens of such interactions these teachers have with parents each day. I'm probably reading it as personal to me when it's not. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

It's because your kid is young. I was the same way. Now my kids are 17 and 12, first of all, I hardly meet their teachers, and second, when I do, it's a very comfortable interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It definitely gets easier as they get older, simply because you will be communicating/interacting with teachers less often with each passing year.

Our school teachers hate communicating with parents, so much that they don’t even send tests home because they don’t want questions.
So we get last minute emails to do stuff or a generic update email on a couple class topics, high level.

[Anonymous]

This is weird but I always feel awkward in that:
-dang, I know how hard teaching was during the pandemic. Got a glimpse of it! Different circumstances, yes. At the time I sent them back (before I was COVID assured but early because we weren’t handling it anymore…), I was like “send teachers all the money and supplies they want!!”
-now I feel awkward seeing them in person and knowing they spend money on my kid and my family. They work so hard for us. They sacrifice a lot for my kid, and all the kids collectively. They shouldn’t have to, but they do.
-you’ll find me on the Money and Finances board, struggling. So, I always contribute to teachers gifts. But each teacher gets $50 from me over the course of the year. Seems so little for what they do. I *wish* I could be that lady writing $100 checks for each occasion, but dh’s and my shared budget doesn’t allow it. We have 3 kids, so it gets spread thin.

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher. I can't speak to fancy-schmancy private schools but if it's a public or charter school the teachers are usually comfortable with ordinary human interactions. You can choose to talk to us or not, but please don't feel uncomfortable. Chances are good that the teacher in front of you is thinking about dinner, the game that night, the new coffee flavor at Starbucks, or his/her own spouse/kids/grandkids just like you are!

[Anonymous]

You mention that your interactions with your preschool child's teachers are fine, so maybe it's just an off year?

No, I don't think your interactions are going to be strained from here on out. Probably you just are not meshing with the personalities of the 1st grade teachers and it's just a one-off. Just remember it's the end of the year and boy has it been a hard one, so give some grace and hope for a better fit next year.

[Anonymous]

Teacher and parent here. I think part of the awkwardness you describe comes from the fact that, by necessity, teachers have learned to be direct and no nonsense. We have finely tuned BS detectors and see lots of first time parents who are new to the developmental stage we have taught for years. I recall feeling awkward as a parent that I SHOULD be the expert in my own kid, but I sensed the teacher understood things about my child that maybe I did not yet. It’s intimidating! And it’s also often true, but only because the teacher sees your child in the context of the whole class and all of his/her classes before. He/she has seen it all, and maybe you haven’t yet. But it will get easier as your child grows and you gain more confidence as a parent. Just remember that the teacher is the expert in school, but YOU are the expert at being mom or dad to your particular kid.