The age when people's parents are dying - I don't know how many more funerals I can go to

[Anonymous]

4 friends have lost a parent (their 1st) in the past 8 months (no, none from covid). I don't know how many more funerals I have the energy to go to. I feel emotionally drained.

I lost both of my parents many years ago and know exactly what it's like, but both were young and average of 2 decades before the wave of friends parental deaths. Now there's one every couple of months, if not sooner.

Anyone else at this stage of life? Do you go to all the funerals? Do you skip them... because it's just too much?

[Anonymous]

You say none for Covid but there are a suspicious amount of strokes from perfectly healthy middle-age people. People who are recovering because they have their youth. To clean off the much more elderly population would be far easier and the death cause wouldn't be 'Covid' because they didn't die on a ventilator.

[Anonymous]

I agree that some deaths will have been precipitated by complications from Covid, even though the link cannot be formally identified. My husband is a doctor and suspects some patient deaths to be in this category.

But regardless of this unfortunate pandemic timing, spates of deaths do happen. I remember my 75 year old aunt complaining about attending too many funerals a few years ago - in this case, her peers.

Give yourself space. You don't need to attend all of them, OP. And know that it might happen again in your 70s-80s.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is just how I make the decision re: friend's parents (even the parents whom I knew very well). Was the death a surprise? Does the friend have support? (have siblings who would comfort them)

If the death was truly shocking to my friend, I would be right there by my friend's side, flying across the country if necessary. But if the parent was elderly or it had been a long illness, no I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't go. If it's local and very easy to go, ok I'd go if I could.

[Anonymous]

You do what you can handle. I did not expect close friends there, especially those who did not know the parent. Now if it were sudden and they were younger that would be different, but the end of the life cycle? No.

[Anonymous]

OP, I, too, feel like all of a sudden all the old people I know are dying. Lots of friends' parents and friends of my mother who were pretty hale through their mid-80s, made it this far through the pandemic, but the late 80s are different matter. I know these are all folks who've had amazingly long lives (vs. my father and a number of other friends' parents lost far too young), but it still feels like it's coming not single spies but in battalions.

I'm having somewhat the opposite funeral experience, as many are not having funerals. (I even went and bought a DCUM-advised funeral dress which has gone unworn so far.) I feel the need to go and mourn with my friends, but of course it's their decision.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents are still alive, but I've had several friends lose a parent in the last 2 years. A couple to Covid, most not. I have only been to a couple of the funerals because covid meant that most were family only. I go to the funeral when I knew the parent, so it's been more for high school friends.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP. Same. Last month two of my friends lost their moms the same week. Both moms died of cancer, though one tested positive for Covid the day she died. (She was already in hospice and expected to die in hours or days.) Many other friends have lost parents over the past two years too.

Covid is definitely behind some of these deaths, but it's also the fact that this is just the time of life when these deaths tend to come. Like OP, my parents died very young so I was a couple of decades ahead of everyone else. I find that for the first time in my life I can have conversations with friends about our lost parents and feel truly understood.

OTOH, the other depressing part of this stage of life is when you start to see the names of people you knew in high school showing up in the obituary section.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to go to all of them but it is definitely nice to go if you think the friend needs support (esp if it is not too far away). I just had a couple friends at the funeral for my dad - he was in his 70s but the death was super sudden. If I hadn't had them, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. But I have other close friends who did not come, which is fine too. But if it is a close friend I would make sure they have someone there other than a spouse (my DH was great but he was also dealing with the kids, trying to help with logistics, etc).

[Anonymous]

There are a lot more people dying over the last few years than there were pre-2020. So that, combined with being at an age where your peers' parents are becoming elderly, means that you probably do have more funerals to attend than before. I think it's good to go when you can, assuming you can be supportive. If it bothers you so much that you make it about you, don't go and find a different way to help your friends.

[Anonymous]

As someone whose parents both died over the past 5-7 years I didn’t expect my friends to travel to the funerals. I’d certainly attend a funeral if it was local and I wasn’t away on business.

[Anonymous]

My dad didn't even attend the funeral of close friends , even local funerals, because it upset him too much. Nobody dumped him as a friend or expressed horror. Do what you can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say none for Covid but there are a suspicious amount of strokes from perfectly healthy middle-age people. People who are recovering because they have their youth. To clean off the much more elderly population would be far easier and the death cause wouldn't be 'Covid' because they didn't die on a ventilator.

Fetterman had afib, sorry. Not covid related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say none for Covid but there are a suspicious amount of strokes from perfectly healthy middle-age people. People who are recovering because they have their youth. To clean off the much more elderly population would be far easier and the death cause wouldn't be 'Covid' because they didn't die on a ventilator.

Fetterman had afib, sorry. Not covid related.

Cardiovascular problems are common after Covid

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/05/1084413347/for-some-patients-cardiovascular-problems-persist-long-after-covid

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7462635/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say none for Covid but there are a suspicious amount of strokes from perfectly healthy middle-age people. People who are recovering because they have their youth. To clean off the much more elderly population would be far easier and the death cause wouldn't be 'Covid' because they didn't die on a ventilator.

Fetterman had afib, sorry. Not covid related.

Lujan isn't old. Most likely high blood pressure. No evidence of covid.