Baby Shower

[Anonymous]

A friend of the family is having a baby in May. I offered to get her a video monitor, like the one we have, for her gift. We love ours and couldn't live without it-we can watch our son while he's asleep in bed or whatever he's doing in bed She wrote in an email that she really wanted a color one, the one I offered had a couple negative reviews, lalalala. I paid $120 for ours, it's black and white, but it works just as well as the color monitors. I was stunned! I'm tempted to give her a gift certificate to a baby store, and only give her $50. I would have never said that to anyone-I had a hard time telling people where I registered, much less what I wanted. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Describe good friend of the family- no matter what- she has no clue in ettiquette and does deserve a certificate to help her purchase what she wants.. I know- this may be easier said from an outsider- I just don't know how close etc. but my first instinct is to dot he above

[Anonymous]

I do understand her wanting to pick her own, I can be like that about technology gadgets too.

That said, I'd *never* consider responding to such a kind offer in such a rude way. She could've handled it in many different better ways.

I'd go with the gift card for the lesser amount. The rudeness and lack of etiquette is amazing.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give her anything. You offered to purchase something extremely nice for her and by saying she wanted something in my opinion means she is declining your offer.

[Anonymous]

I think you should give what you want to give. That being said I think that you should go with spending the original amount that you were going to spend on her gift. So if it was $120 then either purchase that monitor and give a gift receipt or give her a giftcard in that amount.

I agree what she said was in poor taste but she may think that your relationship is casual enough for her to say this.

[Anonymous]

It is rude to refuse a gift or get snotty about the details. But just so you know, the color monitors (which are only in color if there is enough light in the room during the daytime) are only about $40 more than you paid. Ours cost us $160. Give her a gift cert for what you feel is fair and tell her to pick out what kind she likes since she has done all the research.

[Anonymous]

Rude, rude, rude!

I would buy her a totally different gift, rather than a gift cert. Maybe some towels, books, whatever you like that your baby has. You can spend the original amount, or you can spend much less. You still get the joy of picking out something that YOU like (isn't that the fun part?), but it's not something she said she doesn't like. And don't tell her what it is - that way she can keep it or return it, but you don't have to hear about it and fret.

[Anonymous]

"Only $40 more" - sorry, in my world that is alot of money. Anyway....

This is sticky. You brought up the conversation with her and as a new mother, she probably has pretty strong ideas about what she wants. If she is that good of a friend, then I would imagine she felt comfortable telling you what she really wanted (esp since you brought it up anyway.) I would respect her feelings and give her a gift cert for the amount the one you wanted to get her costs with a note that says you want to contribute to her purchasing the monitor she wants. Yes, she may have been a *little* off in her response, but again, you brought it up (and things never sound good/right over email)

In her defense, I have to add that by you telling her this/offering her this, you put her in an awkward position. I say this from experience when a friend of mine called to say "what do you want for your shower? I want to get you something really, really cool!" I didn't know how to respond since I had registered at one site for the basics and another site for some "really, really cool" things. As politely as I could, I told her what I really wanted was something from where I had registered. Then she went on to say "how about I get you a Bjorn! Those are cool" - but I what I wanted was an Ergo, which I could not register for and planned to buy on my own." I have to confess, I told her I did not want one, I wanted an Ergo and was happy to buy it myself and what I really wanted was something from my regisitry. I do think I put her off and I feel bad about that, that maybe I did not handle it right and should have said "great!" and then just returned the Bjorn, but I was hugely pregnant, hormonal, and felt put off by her asking what I wanted when I had put so much time into the registry and obviously those are the things I wanted/needed.

[Anonymous]

Just give her what she wants, but DO learn from experience. You might want to distance yourself from her, or not disclose what you're getting for a present in future.

You can descend to her level and engage in petty behavior, or you can be generous and gracious. I'd chose later.

[Anonymous]

All your comments were very helpful! My husband agrees. My husband feels like 9:49 and 23:05. I still have a week and 1/2 to figure out what I want to do. I probably did set myself up-but regret it. I thought it was a nice gift, considering when I had my son, I got a $25 gift from her. I'm not keeping tabs, trust me, but I was being generous, because I know they don't have the $$$.

[Anonymous]

9:49 here - please, if she is a friend, do not be offended by what she said and "distance yourself from her". Geez!!!!

I think some people on this site need to get a thicker skin and remember that we are all human and do not always display "perfect"manners. She is pregnant, hormonal, stressed and agnozing over what would make life perfect with new baby. Doesn't anyone remember how that feels?

You are being very kind. She had a mini meltdown of sorts. Just give her what you want to give her and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:49 here - please, if she is a friend, do not be offended by what she said and "distance yourself from her". Geez!!!!

I think some people on this site need to get a thicker skin and remember that we are all human and do not always display "perfect"manners. She is pregnant, hormonal, stressed and agnozing over what would make life perfect with new baby. Doesn't anyone remember how that feels?

Please, you're reading to much into my "distance yourself from her" words. I am not assuming anything here: OP might be a close friend to this woman, or might not be. I don't know and don't assume. Distancing was just one thing I suggested. But first I suggested to give a woman what she wants. That's what I'd have done, and proceed from there. If OP feels duped, then she can distance herself, or protect herself some other way from these kinds of situations. But my main point is that one should always be generous with presents and not expect anything in return.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she likes the idea but doesn't want to end up with a black and white monitor that she feels she has to keep to not offend you when she really wants a color one. So, she's just telling you she doesn't want that kind so that you know. A good friend should be able to do this. A friend of mine offered to make my daughter letters for her wall, but I already made her letters for her door and don't want more letters, so I told her that I didn't want them, but would love a picture frame or mirror. she was disappointed but not as disappointed as if she'd given them to me and I didn't use them after the work she'd put in. Why ask if you don't want an honest response? I think better you know. That said, you're being very thoughtful and she should be appreciative. I'd give her the gift card. It's always a good gift. If you want it to be personal, I'd give her like a $20 more personal gift and then a $100 gift card.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is a big deal. It was nice of you to offer to purchase such an expensive gift for her, but if it really isn't the one she as her heart set on, better that you know in advance. It reminds me of my shower. I had inherited a TON of clothes and specifically mentioned on my registry that I do not want clothes/bibs/blankets. Guess what? I got a TON of clothes and most were worn once or not at all. I have over 50 bibs! Ridiculous. It sucked that I didn't get any gift receipts. A lot of the other, less fun, items on my registry were not purchased, so we still had to go out and buy the other things. Do as another poster suggested, just get her a gift card for whatever amount you feel is appropriate. Now...if she commented on the color monitor and gave the impression that she now expected you to go out and buy it...that is a different story. But if she off the cuff mentioned that she had this other one in mind, then you are under no obligation to get it for her.

[Anonymous]

It went like this: I saw her at a funeral-we were talking about her going back to work after the baby, her long commute (77 miles one way), and I felt really bad for her. It's then I said, don't buy a monitor, I'll get you one. Fast forward a month later-I sent her the link to the monitor we have, and she wrote back, something about infrared red...then she sent another email that it had negative reviews, then something else...by that time, I was pissed. And-she knows my husband has $$$, and believe me, he doesn't throw it around, but they know his real estate holdings and that he trades...and I know that they struggle. My husband thinks that she knows we can afford the color...I just don't know. This person isn't a close friend, but a friend of the family.