Why would someone choose not to confront a cheating spouse?

[Anonymous]

I am dating a really great guy, divorced and 42 yo. He mentioned that his wife cheated on him towards the end of the marriage, but there were many other issues in the marriage. He never cheated.

Recently, he told me that his ex-wife doesn't know that he knows she cheated. I found this really surprising- wouldn't you want to confront your spouse about it? I'm not sure that I could ever keep it to myself, especially going through the whole divorce process. He said that he didn't care at that point, since they couldn't communicate anyway.

Help me understand- why wouldn't you want your spouse to know that you know they cheated?

[Anonymous]

Because he didn't care. Marriage was over, so what's the point? No need to cause drama.

[Anonymous]

Another angle: he was embarrassed by this and letting his ex know would have given her satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

My ex cheated on me. If I had not had kids, I would have simply left based on the evidence I had. (which was 100% solid). IMO, there was nothing (and could never be) anything which justified cheating. Cheating is a problem with the cheater, and if I had not had kids I would have simply filed for divorce without giving any explanation. Any more effort on my part than filing would have been mis-directed energy on my part. Why direct energy at confronting a cheater? Just skip that and move directly to building your own life.

What would be the point of confrontation? To be heard? To shame the cheater? To understand why? To get an apology? The cheater is not going to give you any of that.

[Anonymous]

I think if you have already decided to leave there is no point. Ditto if you 100% know that the cheating is an endpoint for you. If there is zero they can or will do to change ot fix a problem there is no point in discussing it. I am this way about drug use and alcoholism. If it happens, it is over and there is nothing they can do to come back from it.

[Anonymous]

I just think it demonstrates that he had already emotionally detached and moved on by the time he found out. So he didn't have anything to gain by confronting her when they were divorcing anyway.

Do they have kids?

[Anonymous]

Cynic that I am, I would be concerned that it was HIS cheating that destroyed the marriage, and by pinning it on her but saying he never confronted her about it, it would explain why she doesn't act guilty in their dealings.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like someone who doesn’t feel the need to provide pointless conflict. He had already decided to divorce her for other reasons, what value is there in accusing her of cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cynic that I am, I would be concerned that it was HIS cheating that destroyed the marriage, and by pinning it on her but saying he never confronted her about it, it would explain why she doesn't act guilty in their dealings.

That crossed my mind too. I dint think he is being truthful.

[Anonymous]

If it was the last out of 10 issues, what’s the point? She was going to lie about it anyway.

[Anonymous]

If my husband cheated I would not say anything. I’m very happily married and would like to stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Often infidelity happens in relationships where there is a disconnect. I would see the not talking about it as a symptom of the breakdown in the relationship. Why did the relationship break down? Does he take any responsibility? Those are important issues.

Finally, remember that some people live life with a level of loneliness that they don’t even realize (or don’t want to acknowledge) they have. If he’s one of these people then he may not have talked to her about it because he simply lacks the tools to acknowledge his own emotions to someone else and connect with them.

[Anonymous]

Meh...Ex and I were a good team as parents and as a couple. But we chose to let our relationship turn into really good housemates as we waited for our DCs to go off to college. In marriage counseling, we both prioritized the kids and were grateful for the life we had together. We discussed the possibility of an open relationship. But, neither of us thought that would solve our lack of attraction to each other. So we "opened" without saying it out loud by just "cheating" and a few years later had a very amicable divorce. We're still friends and we see each other regularly with our new partners and we're happy for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another angle: he was embarrassed by this and letting his ex know would have given her satisfaction.

Unfortunately there is merit to this. I know two men who were cheated on (women may feel the same way--I have no idea) and both said that they were "embarrassed that they couldn't satisfy their wives."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband cheated I would not say anything. I’m very happily married and would like to stay that way.

Whaaaat?!