Mother rubs my failures in my face

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't unique, but I've been almost to the point of tears lately. Siblings are professionally and personally successful, and I'm...not. She accuses me of being jealous when she calls to tell me their newest successes, and, well, of COURSE I am! And I'm well aware that Jason is up for admiral and Becky just made partner in some prestigious law firm in LA. I've congratulated them, but it's too painful to keep hearing from my mother about how proud she is, and am I ever going to finish my PhD (never started one, Mom), and why do I only have one child if I'm just going to wallow in mediocrity for the rest of my life?

How do I stop her?

[Anonymous]

Do not engage. Use the gray rock method.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#:~:text=The%20grey%20rock%20method%20involves,interactions%20with%20the%20abusive%20person

Also focus on what you do like about your life. (Your kid, your marriage, your friends, your hobbies, whatever...) Not everyone's life has to have prestige to be successful. People contribute to the world in ways that fame and fortune don't always reward, but are still important. Your life is worth living even if it isn't giving your mother material to brag about.

[Anonymous]

At some point you have to own your choices and be at peace with them. There is really no reason to be jealous if you weren't pursuing the same goals in the first place. Maybe your mom is annoyed that you are taking your siblings' success as a personal insult. It doesn't have to be like that. If you want what they have, then try to go and get it. And if you don't, then that's fine.

[Anonymous]

She sounds toxic. I'd distance myself, maybe only pick up her calls every other time, or not at all and let it go to voicemail. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not engage. Use the gray rock method.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#:~:text=The%20grey%20rock%20method%20involves,interactions%20with%20the%20abusive%20person

Also focus on what you do like about your life. (Your kid, your marriage, your friends, your hobbies, whatever...) Not everyone's life has to have prestige to be successful. People contribute to the world in ways that fame and fortune don't always reward, but are still important. Your life is worth living even if it isn't giving your mother material to brag about.

+1 to grey rock and focusing on what you like about your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom probably takes credit for your siblings' successes but attributes all non-achievement to YOU. She probably has borderline personality disorder. I know because I was raised by someone like that. When I ranked 3rd in my class in elementary school, she questioned why I wasn't first. I flunked a year in senior high school and had to repeat the year, and she tormented me over it until I passed my university entrance exams (we're from a different country). And guess what? She acted like it was her OWN success - "I raised you...Without me, you wouldn't have gotten this far.." And I felt awful when she started gossiping about other kids in my neighborhood who weren't academically successful and it's so sickening that this person has to take pleasure in the perceived shortcomings of complete strangers. I am willing to bet your mom has a whole bunch of other issues too, and it isn't just this alone.

[Anonymous]

why are you jealous? Have you tried to achieve things and have failed? or have you not tried, developed your own path, goals, etc.?

[Anonymous]

I had this with my mother and it was almost impossible to put a stop to her. I had to go no contact.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP with the crazy borderline. She begs me to move back to my home country but I know the second I do that, she'll taunt me by saying "Oh, why did you move back? You couldn't make it in America?" You can't win OP.

[Anonymous]

Would you tolerate this rudeness from a friend? No. Relatives don't get a pass. "Mom, I'm tired of hearing about it". "Mom, this is rude". "Mom, I'm going to have to end this conversation unless we can talk about something else."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you tolerate this rudeness from a friend? No. Relatives don't get a pass. "Mom, I'm tired of hearing about it". "Mom, this is rude". "Mom, I'm going to have to end this conversation unless we can talk about something else."

I think the mom knows she's rude. But this is how someone like her feels better about herself. It's sad but it is true.

[Anonymous]

Well, you don't put up with it. You have some respect for yourself and end the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she must have done a terrible job raising you. In other words, you can be the failure you rub in HER face.
Kidding, really. I think you should talk to her less. Much less.

[Anonymous]

Maybe answer the phone less often. Let Becky and Jason tell you themselves about their accomplishments, and congratulate them directly. You don't need your mother to act as town crier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe answer the phone less often. Let Becky and Jason tell you themselves about their accomplishments, and congratulate them directly. You don't need your mother to act as town crier.

OP, your mother is triangulating. Google it.