Caring for an estranged elderly parent?

[Anonymous]

Anyone have divorced parents where one moved away, or remarried, or just gradually distanced themselves until there was only a few calls a year and possibly a short visit every few years? What would you do if a hospital social worker called to let you know this parent could no longer care for themselves and there were few options for him/her? Some social workers just assume that the son or daughter will just step in and either provide housing or help find a place for that parent regardless of how much that parent may have distanced themselves over time. Would you agree to do POA for that parent? What if whatever decision you make is going to involve at the very least a minimal investment of your time or money and you have been saving for your own retirement? This is for a parent who made poor financial decisions but is not yet eligible for long term care.

[Anonymous]

It's their job to try and place patients with their families.
It's your choice to refuse that pressure and oversee placement in a Medicare facility.

[Anonymous]

Did you make that parent feel unwelcome in your life? Many parents of adult kids don’t want to be a burden so they give up reaching out if they get the cold shoulder. Were they neglectful or abusive? Did they do the best they could? Unless they truly were awful to you, you sort of need to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's their job to try and place patients with their families.
It's your choice to refuse that pressure and oversee placement in a Medicare facility.

Is it considered “granny dumping” or elder abuse or neglect if you refuse to let the elder return to your house (which they do not own nor have a lease)? The elder had been staying there while healthy, but the house is unsuitable for a sick or disabled person (many stairs, no rails in shower, openings not wide enough, …). Moreover, person cannot give the assistance needed (bathing, cooking, toileting, etc). Relationship between elder and homeowner is parent-child. State is Maryland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you make that parent feel unwelcome in your life? Many parents of adult kids don’t want to be a burden so they give up reaching out if they get the cold shoulder. Were they neglectful or abusive? Did they do the best they could? Unless they truly were awful to you, you sort of need to step up.

No they don't need to step up. Parents choose to have children not the other way around. Parents govern that relationship. If the parent estranged themselves, they have to reap what they sow. If they wanted a good relationship they needed to foster that.

OP, honestly I don't know what I would do if were you. I don't have the warm relationship with my parents that I would like, but they are good people and treat me and my children well. They never stopped caring about me, even though we are so different. Because I do love them, I would care for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's their job to try and place patients with their families.
It's your choice to refuse that pressure and oversee placement in a Medicare facility.

Is it considered “granny dumping” or elder abuse or neglect if you refuse to let the elder return to your house (which they do not own nor have a lease)? The elder had been staying there while healthy, but the house is unsuitable for a sick or disabled person (many stairs, no rails in shower, openings not wide enough, …). Moreover, person cannot give the assistance needed (bathing, cooking, toileting, etc). Relationship between elder and homeowner is parent-child. State is Maryland.

No. Adult children who cannot care for their parents have the most leverage when they refuse to pick up their parent from the hospital or rehab place, citing inadequate care conditions at home. Then the state takes over. It's not pretty most of the time, but if their conditions are better than what you can offer, that's the reasoning for the switch. Elder abuse would be if you took your parent home and couldn't care for them, leading to them living in filth without the means to normal hygiene and sustenance.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would help out via time, but not money. We’re not so flush that we can afford to help in that way, and saving for retirement and our kids’ college comes first. I’d push the social worker on what the options are that do not involve our financial contribution. They’re out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you make that parent feel unwelcome in your life? Many parents of adult kids don’t want to be a burden so they give up reaching out if they get the cold shoulder. Were they neglectful or abusive? Did they do the best they could? Unless they truly were awful to you, you sort of need to step up.

Legally, no.
Morally, that would depend.

It's interesting how you immediately fault the OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - You know your personal situation with the parent, and you can easily see the impact that taking on the direct care even oversight for an elderly person in poor shape - due to their decisions - can have on a caregiver from accounts on this board. I would say no to see just what the social worker can work out. The parent if one meets the criteria might get to go to a Medicare funded rehab place for I think it is up to 100 days if progress continues, but then would have to private pay to spend down assets if it is for long-term care of assisted or nursing services. When assets are depleted, Medicaid would then pay. If you try to help out, the parent might have enough marbles still to make your assistance more of a nightmare decision. Such as if the house could be sold to provide funding for at least a suitable assisted placement or whatever, but they will not agree. Somehow to say you would like to know where the parent is placed to be able to monitor from a distance might be best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone have divorced parents where one moved away, or remarried, or just gradually distanced themselves until there was only a few calls a year and possibly a short visit every few years? What would you do if a hospital social worker called to let you know this parent could no longer care for themselves and there were few options for him/her? Some social workers just assume that the son or daughter will just step in and either provide housing or help find a place for that parent regardless of how much that parent may have distanced themselves over time. Would you agree to do POA for that parent? What if whatever decision you make is going to involve at the very least a minimal investment of your time or money and you have been saving for your own retirement? This is for a parent who made poor financial decisions but is not yet eligible for long term care.

I picked up on the "remarried" part...

Did they remarry and "have a new family now?" Did they remarry when you still young? Did they remarry someone with children and have treated those stepchildren (and the grandchildren from those step children) better than you?

[Anonymous]

This has kinda happened to me. I am not estranged from my dad, but he did leave my mom and moved to another state and pretty much dropped out of my life. We would talk a couple of times a year and see each other once or twice. I have POA. After a recent hospital stay, they would not release him home alone. So I had to find an assisted living facility, take over his finances and arrange his doctor appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you make that parent feel unwelcome in your life? Many parents of adult kids don’t want to be a burden so they give up reaching out if they get the cold shoulder. Were they neglectful or abusive? Did they do the best they could? Unless they truly were awful to you, you sort of need to step up.

NP. No, they don’t need to “step up.” A therapist would be a better person to discuss this with, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have posted before.

You got all kinds of good advice the last time. Seems like you haven't bothered to follow through on any of those options so now you couch it differently and are back again.

It seems like what you want it someone's blessing that it's OK to refuse to help your elderly parent. You don't need that from some strangers on DCUM.

Whatever your reasons are you are fully within your rights to refuse to help your parent. So do that. Stop coming up with excuses to justify your choice (they don't call, they are estranged, the house isn't right, etc.)

First - Did you point-blank tell your father that you cannot help him and he can not live with you anymore? If not, why not?

If you are having problems with guilt about that decision then seek out a professional counselor who will probably tell you the same thing: you have no legal obligation to help your parent nor have them live with you, no matter how they treated you.

[Anonymous]

OP, rely on the social worker to do their job and find a suitable place (other than with you). Then, once they've moved in, go visit more. Then, work on whatever-better relationship with the elder you want.

[Anonymous]

These types of people die alone. I would not abandon my father. I think that would bother me forever.