Managing niece with ADHD

[Anonymous]

My niece and daughter are the same age (8) and have always been very close. My niece has always been a very challenging and “wild” child and was recently diagnosed with ADHD, but my sister suspects there is even more going on than just that. The girls spend a good amount of time at my house, especially so I can give my sister a little break, but my niece is getting very hard to handle so I wanted to see if anyone has positive discipline strategies they can share since most of the time my niece flat out doesn’t listen, or has a mega meltdown in response to being told to stop doing something. I have asked my sister but she hasn’t been helpful because she is having a hard time handling the behavior as well.

The main issues are that my niece is incredibly active/energetic and I often find her climbing all over furniture and jumping off, which of course is a safety issue and I feel like I can’t leave them alone. She also constantly comes up with things to do that my daughter knows are not allowed, but she eggs her on to do them or just does them on her own - coloring on walls, “baking” weird concoctions, cutting dolls’ hair off, etc. Yesterday I found her in our pantry stuffing her face with snacks and throwing things all around.

Does anyone have any tips for how to manage these types of behaviors? Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

I would not let her over. My responsibility is to my own child, not my niece, and you said the niece is a bad influence. It’s not your job to raise your sister’s kid. Maybe if she spent more time with her she’d work harder to get her behavior under control.

[Anonymous]

Lots of structure, redirection and outside physical activity.

[Anonymous]

My ADHD DS needs a lot of exercise. His psych repeatedly emphasizes that.

Perhaps you can take the girls to a place where they can get in some running around. Would she be able to handle going to a bounce place? Do you an indoor water park nearby and would she be able to handle that?

Or, just take them to a HS track and have them run laps.

Good for you for helping out your sister. If her ADHD is unmedicated, you can try positive discipline but not sure how far you'll get.

[Anonymous]

I would recommend learning more about ADHD. Positive discipline doesn’t do a whole lot (nor does negative discipline) because those particular behaviors are an impulse control issue. She knows it’s wrong and she knows there will be consequences, but the part of her brain that would keep her impulses in check can’t keep up with the part of her brain that says, “you know what sounds like fun?”

What is your sister doing to treat her daughter’s adhd? Until they get it more under control, it will require more direct supervision to intervene before she does something inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recommend learning more about ADHD. Positive discipline doesn’t do a whole lot (nor does negative discipline) because those particular behaviors are an impulse control issue. She knows it’s wrong and she knows there will be consequences, but the part of her brain that would keep her impulses in check can’t keep up with the part of her brain that says, “you know what sounds like fun?”

What is your sister doing to treat her daughter’s adhd? Until they get it more under control, it will require more direct supervision to intervene before she does something inappropriate.

+1

[Anonymous]

Meds and exercise. Please tell me this little girl will shortly be medicated. It is essential for her brain to focus just enough to learn to keep her impulses in check. Not doing so is denying her the tools to regulate herself. She needs to be followed by a psychiatrist, not a pediatrician. They will likely start her on Concerta or Adderall, the stimulant class. Hopefully they will work. The ramp up to an optimal dosage can take months.

Exercise: trampoline in the garden? Supervised, of course, since trampolines are always a source of danger.

Her symptoms so far sound like typical hyperactive ADHD. If she is more than usually defiant, she could also be diagnosed with ODD - oppositional defiant disorder. But for that diagnostic to be made, it would be helpful to medicate the ADHD and see whether the defiance is reduced.

My son has inattentive ADHD, but we know plenty of girls and boys with the hyperactive type. They've all had to be medicated to function well in society, get good grades in school, and manage relationships. Those whose parents were against meds suffered the most.

[Anonymous]

08:43 again. Meds are not for ever. My son started stimulants in 5th grade (3 years too late, he was getting depressed and saying he was stupid), and has tapered off in 11th grade. The brain matures, and stimulant use has to be customized to each individual. He is learning to drive and HAS to be medicated for that, but he now only needs a very small dose for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not let her over. My responsibility is to my own child, not my niece, and you said the niece is a bad influence. It’s not your job to raise your sister’s kid. Maybe if she spent more time with her she’d work harder to get her behavior under control.

Wow. Some people feel responsibility for their village, and those are my kind of people. What a terrible world if the closest family members cut you off when you need help. Your protected child loses a lot more than they gain by not having to deal with the ADHD cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not let her over. My responsibility is to my own child, not my niece, and you said the niece is a bad influence. It’s not your job to raise your sister’s kid. Maybe if she spent more time with her she’d work harder to get her behavior under control.

To this poster - your response is not helpful and rings of someone who doesn't know what it's like to have an ADHD child. Your comment highlighted above is totally insensitive and out of line. Society in general always blames the mother, but I'd hope that on a special needs board, posters would be more supportive. It's not the mother's fault, this child has a neuro-difference. I applaud the OP for trying to give her sister a break.

OP - Please do not listen to this poster. Your sister really needs the break. It's really hard to have a child like this. I'd second that it sounds like medication would help your niece a lot.

As far as what to do with the niece, I'd suggest structured outings, like taking the girls to a playground or trampoline park. If you can't take them somewhere, have structured time at home - like buy a craft kit or designate time to play a specific board game or something. Don't be afraid of slotting in a TV break if she's over for a few hours. Unstructured time like this is tough with kids like this and positive discipline alone won't be enough.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have some constructive advice but I don’t have time to type it all out now. I’ll try to come back later today with some solid suggestions. There are some great books but understanding this is not even your kid, I’ll try it just summarize for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not let her over. My responsibility is to my own child, not my niece, and you said the niece is a bad influence. It’s not your job to raise your sister’s kid. Maybe if she spent more time with her she’d work harder to get her behavior under control.

Wow. Some people feel responsibility for their village, and those are my kind of people. What a terrible world if the closest family members cut you off when you need help. Your protected child loses a lot more than they gain by not having to deal with the ADHD cousin.

I too believe it takes a village, but not at the expense of my own child. I would help the sister in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not let her over. My responsibility is to my own child, not my niece, and you said the niece is a bad influence. It’s not your job to raise your sister’s kid. Maybe if she spent more time with her she’d work harder to get her behavior under control.

To this poster - your response is not helpful and rings of someone who doesn't know what it's like to have an ADHD child. Your comment highlighted above is totally insensitive and out of line. Society in general always blames the mother, but I'd hope that on a special needs board, posters would be more supportive. It's not the mother's fault, this child has a neuro-difference. I applaud the OP for trying to give her sister a break.

OP - Please do not listen to this poster. Your sister really needs the break. It's really hard to have a child like this. I'd second that it sounds like medication would help your niece a lot.

As far as what to do with the niece, I'd suggest structured outings, like taking the girls to a playground or trampoline park. If you can't take them somewhere, have structured time at home - like buy a craft kit or designate time to play a specific board game or something. Don't be afraid of slotting in a TV break if she's over for a few hours. Unstructured time like this is tough with kids like this and positive discipline alone won't be enough.

No, I do not blame the mother for the child's ADHD. But it seemed OP was saying her sister was slow in getting Niece treatment. Maybe if OP is relieving the burden SO much from the sister, Sister doesn't realize just how bad things are, so isn't moved to work faster/push harder to get Niece treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not let her over. My responsibility is to my own child, not my niece, and you said the niece is a bad influence. It’s not your job to raise your sister’s kid. Maybe if she spent more time with her she’d work harder to get her behavior under control.

To this poster - your response is not helpful and rings of someone who doesn't know what it's like to have an ADHD child. Your comment highlighted above is totally insensitive and out of line. Society in general always blames the mother, but I'd hope that on a special needs board, posters would be more supportive. It's not the mother's fault, this child has a neuro-difference. I applaud the OP for trying to give her sister a break.

OP - Please do not listen to this poster. Your sister really needs the break. It's really hard to have a child like this. I'd second that it sounds like medication would help your niece a lot.

As far as what to do with the niece, I'd suggest structured outings, like taking the girls to a playground or trampoline park. If you can't take them somewhere, have structured time at home - like buy a craft kit or designate time to play a specific board game or something. Don't be afraid of slotting in a TV break if she's over for a few hours. Unstructured time like this is tough with kids like this and positive discipline alone won't be enough.

No, I do not blame the mother for the child's ADHD. But it seemed OP was saying her sister was slow in getting Niece treatment. Maybe if OP is relieving the burden SO much from the sister, Sister doesn't realize just how bad things are, so isn't moved to work faster/push harder to get Niece treatment.

I didn't get that from the OP at all. Nowhere does OP say she thinks sister was slow to get niece treatment.

For the OP-what helped my hyperactive + impulsive child the most flat out is medication. Secondarily, rewarding good behavior and as hard/weird as it may seem, ignoring (minor) bad behavior. Obviously the behavior involving safety cannot be ignored but perhaps a redirection to something that you know your niece likes to do would work. The meltdowns can be because they have difficulty transitioning away from preferred activities so understanding this and giving warnings helps tremendously, ie in five minutes we are doing x, ok, in three minutes we are doing x, etc

[Anonymous]

As others have said, highly structured outings. I would take advantage of the warming weather to spend as much time outside as possible.

Get togethers should last no longer than 2 hours.

Learn how to give an effective command using eye contact and do not repeat the command for at least 30 seconds.

Agree with PPs that the parents should look into medication.