Pls help. How to stop DS behavior

[Anonymous]

I came to bed and need to sleep, but DS started playing loud music by my door looking for trouble and to see me reacting. He’s doing this after I took one of his devices as a consequence of name calling and insults. Everything started because I went to tell him it was time for him to put his iPhone away and go to bed.
Please help me. What do you suggest I do to stop this behavior??

[Anonymous]

First off. Hugs. This is hard. You don't want to escalate a fight you aren't in a position to win.

Can you ignore the music? Do you have ear plugs?
Can you cut power to the entire house, effectively cutting off the music? (I'm serious)

Get through tonight without backing yourself into a corner. Tomorrow discuss consequences (like losing ALL electronics for a set period of time).

[Anonymous]

Let him know that for every 5 minutes the music is playing, that's another day without his ipad/phone, etc.... Say it calmly, without yelling. Then every 5 minutes just calmly say "that's 2 days" "that's 3 days", etc...

[Anonymous]

How old? This matters a lot

[Anonymous]

You should take the phone ever night at a specific time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off. Hugs. This is hard. You don't want to escalate a fight you aren't in a position to win.

Can you ignore the music? Do you have ear plugs?
Can you cut power to the entire house, effectively cutting off the music? (I'm serious)

Get through tonight without backing yourself into a corner. Tomorrow discuss consequences (like losing ALL electronics for a set period of time).

If its a phone it is cellular.

You take the phone and give a consequence.

[Anonymous]

Let’s rewind and try to figure out where this started escalating.

Does he have a set bedtime? Did he know that it was going to be time to stop what he was doing and go to bed?

Or was this just an “it’s getting late, you should go to bed now” situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old? This matters a lot

Yes, we talking 12 or 18?

[Anonymous]

Enable downtime on the phone. It renders it useless during downtime.

Don’t cave in. Phones cause real addictions. His response is the same as a drug seeking addict. It all relates to the dopamine in the brain.

[Anonymous]

Use down time on all your devices. The devices will automatically shut off. This depersonalizes the moment. You are not taking it from him, it’s turning off. It makes a big difference.

I would have ignored the behavior in the moment and then the next day had a conversation and come up with consequences together which would have included taking away all devices.

But I agree age and past behavior matter a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s rewind and try to figure out where this started escalating.

Does he have a set bedtime? Did he know that it was going to be time to stop what he was doing and go to bed?

Or was this just an “it’s getting late, you should go to bed now” situation.

not sure why that matters. That behavior is not acceptable, regardless.

I can't imagine my teen doing this. 16 yr old DS gets kind of loud with his friends on discord after I go to bed at 10pm. I don't mind DS going to bed at 11pm. DS is a straight A student at a magnet, so I give him some leeway now with his time management. But he has to keep it down. DC#2 bedroom is also next door.

When DS gets too loud, I tell him to be quieter, and though I do have to tell him a few times, he certainly doesn't give me attitude or take it up a notch. He says, "Sorry, I'll try to keep it down". If he did blow me off, he knows there would be consequences, and for DS, having thos privileges taken away would be awful for him.

When he was younger, like 13 below, his electronic use got too much, so we cut him off cold turkey, and he had to earn back those privileges.

OP, is your DS involved in any sport? I found that when boys especially have an outlet to burn off energy, they are less likely to be combative at home. And I say this having experienced it. DS is not athletic, so we didn't push him to get into sports, but as stated, his electronic use was getting out of hand so we made DS do some physical activity by getting involved in some sport.

If your DS does do sports, then maybe he needs to get involved with something else, because he clearly has energy to burn.

As to his consequences, take away the item that he is playing the loud music on. If it's on the tv, take away the remote; if it's a clock radio, take away the clock... Strip his entire room if you have to. That's what I would do, and then he has to earn back those privileges.

Mind you, this would not be my go to punishment, but if you've asked him to stop a few times, and he hasn't then you have to go nuclear. You need to nip this kind of disrespectful behavior in the bud and show him that you are serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s rewind and try to figure out where this started escalating.

Does he have a set bedtime? Did he know that it was going to be time to stop what he was doing and go to bed?

Or was this just an “it’s getting late, you should go to bed now” situation.

not sure why that matters. That behavior is not acceptable, regardless.

I can't imagine my teen doing this. 16 yr old DS gets kind of loud with his friends on discord after I go to bed at 10pm. I don't mind DS going to bed at 11pm. DS is a straight A student at a magnet, so I give him some leeway now with his time management. But he has to keep it down. DC#2 bedroom is also next door.

When DS gets too loud, I tell him to be quieter, and though I do have to tell him a few times, he certainly doesn't give me attitude or take it up a notch. He says, "Sorry, I'll try to keep it down". If he did blow me off, he knows there would be consequences, and for DS, having thos privileges taken away would be awful for him.

When he was younger, like 13 below, his electronic use got too much, so we cut him off cold turkey, and he had to earn back those privileges.

OP, is your DS involved in any sport? I found that when boys especially have an outlet to burn off energy, they are less likely to be combative at home. And I say this having experienced it. DS is not athletic, so we didn't push him to get into sports, but as stated, his electronic use was getting out of hand so we made DS do some physical activity by getting involved in some sport.

If your DS does do sports, then maybe he needs to get involved with something else, because he clearly has energy to burn.

As to his consequences, take away the item that he is playing the loud music on. If it's on the tv, take away the remote; if it's a clock radio, take away the clock... Strip his entire room if you have to. That's what I would do, and then he has to earn back those privileges.

Mind you, this would not be my go to punishment, but if you've asked him to stop a few times, and he hasn't then you have to go nuclear. You need to nip this kind of disrespectful behavior in the bud and show him that you are serious.

Op never said if she’s taking about a 10 year old or a 18 year old. No one can help without that info.
But if the kid is just playing on his phone and an already exasperated OP randomly walks up and says “put that stupid phone away and go to bed” when the kid had no idea it was bedtime, then this response wouldn’t be unexpected. And yes, some people act like that.

However, if this kid knows that bedtime is at 9 and knows that they are expected to put their phone away and get ready by then, and usually does, then I would be more shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to bed and need to sleep, but DS started playing loud music by my door looking for trouble and to see me reacting. He’s doing this after I took one of his devices as a consequence of name calling and insults. Everything started because I went to tell him it was time for him to put his iPhone away and go to bed.
Please help me. What do you suggest I do to stop this behavior??

OP-- it depends on the age. That said, may I suggest walking out of your room, getting in your DS's face and letting him know in a calm (but angry voice) that he has until the count of five to turn off the music or he will lose all of his electronics for a week? Then start counting. I have a DS15 - he has ADHD and I'm familiar with the name-calling, insults, trying to get a reaction. A timeline, clear consequences, and absolute follow through works with my DS and he's a tough customer.

[Anonymous]

Send him to military school.

[Anonymous]

So your DS regularly calls you names and heaves insults? And taunts you for disciplining him? He obviously doesn’t listen or respects you. How old and how long has he behaved like this to his mother? If he acts like this to you, it means he is the same or worse to his peers at school.

I would take him to a psychologist to get him evaluated.