Toddler not giving baby space

[Anonymous]

DD1 is 3 years old and loves her younger sister, who is almost 7 months. But she wants to be constantly touching and hugging her, sometimes almost aggressively. It used to be cute, but now that DD2 is able to crawl and wants to move around, DD1 will often give her aggressive hugs trying to keep her still (sometimes to keep her away from DD1's toys). It's especially a problem when she tries to give a hug but wraps her arm around DD2's neck, so we've worked ad nauseum on telling her that DD2 is little and she can't touch her head. We will repeatedly say things like "DD2 is asking for space please, or please give DD2 space to move" and will move one child or the other to a different room to enforce this boundary, but DD1 just can't seem to control herself. For example, after having multiple talks yesterday, this morning DD1 asked if she could hug DD2's legs while I was feeding her - she seemed like she was trying really hard to find appropriate ways to touch her, but within the 1-2 hours before school that they were both up in the morning, it devolved into the same issues.

Has anyone btdt with any advice other than repeatedly holding boundaries and separating them? This often leaves DD1 in tears and I want to balance safety for DD2 as number 1 priority, but also encouraging a positive sibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are aggressively policing "boundaries" for your infant. An infant does not require boundaries. If your toddler does something that affects your infant's safety, step in. Your infant is not asking for space. Stop projecting. You don't need to put them in separate rooms and there's no reason she can't touch her sister. There's something really off about your post. You don't need to "hold boundaries" between a 7 month old and a 2 year old unless the 2 year old is injuring the infant.

[Anonymous]

OP - sorry if my first post wasn't clear. This is completely about safety. My 3 year old toddler squeezes her arm around my infant's neck to "hug" her. The infant generally starts crying and obviously does not like being constrained in this way and unless an adult steps in to move the toddler, she will not let go of the baby. When I try to feed the baby, the toddler tries to crawl on my lap as well and "hug" the baby's head while she is trying to eat, stopping her from eating, poking or grabbing her eyes, and/or pulling backwards on her head and neck away from my breast. Again, the baby starts crying, and it's hard for me to remove the toddler while also trying to feed the baby. So the need to hold a boundary that my toddler cannot pull on the baby's head and neck in a dangerous way is something that I'm not questioning.

If anyone has tips on how to best redirect my toddler to other activities than tackling her baby sister, I would love advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are aggressively policing "boundaries" for your infant. An infant does not require boundaries. If your toddler does something that affects your infant's safety, step in. Your infant is not asking for space. Stop projecting. You don't need to put them in separate rooms and there's no reason she can't touch her sister. There's something really off about your post. You don't need to "hold boundaries" between a 7 month old and a 2 year old unless the 2 year old is injuring the infant.

NP Disagree! I have a 6 month old, 3 and a 5 year old. They love her to death. They're up in her face, constantly kissing, hugging, wanting to hold her. It drives the baby crazy. The baby will push them away or turn her head so they can't kiss her. It's an ongoing struggle. Now that she's more interactive I've been redirecting to having them get her toys, help feed her food and other things they can help with. It's frustrating. My baby clearly wants more boundaries. She doesn't push away when mom or dad kiss her, it's just the siblings.

[Anonymous]

"DD1 I can not allow you to hug DD2 like that. I need to stop you to keep her safe". Then STOP HER. Remove the baby, remove the 3 year old, whatever it takes.

Do this every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"DD1 I can not allow you to hug DD2 like that. I need to stop you to keep her safe". Then STOP HER. Remove the baby, remove the 3 year old, whatever it takes.

Do this every time.

Yes, this. Sorry, op, it's really hard, but your job when baby and toddler are together is to keep baby safe. I have a 2 mo old who has 2.5 and 4 yo siblings so am in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to keep consistently re-directing, and encouraging the toddler to be gentle, and to notice how the baby is communicating distress.
Remind yourself that toddlers are going to “toddler”, and that as both of them get older, the baby will be less vulnerable and the toddler will have an older child’s understanding re: how babies should —and should not —be treated.

Reading your post, I had the feeling that you’re hoping there’s a different magic strategy or that the toddler will somehow “get it”. There is not. Most toddlers need lots of repetition and adult supervision and interventions for pretty much everything, and this is no different. It’s great that your older daughter loves her sister. It’s going to take a lot of interaction and instruction and redirecting— until both kids are a bit older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just have to keep consistently re-directing, and encouraging the toddler to be gentle, and to notice how the baby is communicating distress.
Remind yourself that toddlers are going to “toddler”, and that as both of them get older, the baby will be less vulnerable and the toddler will have an older child’s understanding re: how babies should —and should not —be treated.

Reading your post, I had the feeling that you’re hoping there’s a different magic strategy or that the toddler will somehow “get it”. There is not. Most toddlers need lots of repetition and adult supervision and interventions for pretty much everything, and this is no different. It’s great that your older daughter loves her sister. It’s going to take a lot of interaction and instruction and redirecting— until both kids are a bit older.

Thank you! I think I'm just exhausted and this reassurance that this is normal is really helpful. It's hard to feel like we're doing the right thing when nothing changes, but I will focus on the short term of keeping everyone safe and separated when necessary, and praising positive interactions when I see them, and not worry for now about the fact that my toddler doesn't seem to be changing in the short term and trust this will get easier with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just have to keep consistently re-directing, and encouraging the toddler to be gentle, and to notice how the baby is communicating distress.
Remind yourself that toddlers are going to “toddler”, and that as both of them get older, the baby will be less vulnerable and the toddler will have an older child’s understanding re: how babies should —and should not —be treated.

Reading your post, I had the feeling that you’re hoping there’s a different magic strategy or that the toddler will somehow “get it”. There is not. Most toddlers need lots of repetition and adult supervision and interventions for pretty much everything, and this is no different. It’s great that your older daughter loves her sister. It’s going to take a lot of interaction and instruction and redirecting— until both kids are a bit older.

Thank you! I think I'm just exhausted and this reassurance that this is normal is really helpful. It's hard to feel like we're doing the right thing when nothing changes, but I will focus on the short term of keeping everyone safe and separated when necessary, and praising positive interactions when I see them, and not worry for now about the fact that my toddler doesn't seem to be changing in the short term and trust this will get easier with time.

Keep at it. Show her how to do "piggies" on the babys toes. Teach high fives etc. as the little one grows it will get easier and the baby will stand up for herself more. I have 2 and 5 and the youngest can give it pretty hard now and i have the opposite issue now of teaching the youngest to be gentle. Monitor, teach, redirect etc. mine are both very physical and we have regular foot battles and massive hug and chase across the house games.

[Anonymous]

3 year olds are not toddlers; they are preschoolers. They are learning how to control themselves--it will take awhile, but you absolutely need to be firm and give your older one a reason to stop. You remove them from the situation or you remove baby. Every single time. Demonstrate appropriate touch (open hand) and maybe save hugging lessons until they can control themselves better.

[Anonymous]

Think you may also need to sit back and determine whether she's getting more attention when she's doing these things then when she isn't. Reinforce and give attention to the things that you want.

The second thing that I've heard about doing is actually talking to them like this these are the things that I do with baby and these are the things that I do with you baby can't do these things but you can. Let's think of a list of things that I can do with you that baby can't do. And make sure you're spending that one-on-one time with the older kid.

You're not going to be able to stop nursing or feeding or burping or whatever it is that you do with your baby. Your preschooler is trying to get in on that in some way shape or form. It may also be that by giving her a hug or being really into the baby she's showing you look I'm into the baby too this is something that we share. Or your child could just be aggressively affectionate.

[Anonymous]

Giving her other ways to be involved with baby might help. My son liked getting things for baby like a clean diaper, paci, blanket, etc. That might be a way to redirect when she's getting too aggressive.

Little one will be giving it back soon enough. My 15mo full-on tackles his big bro (4) now.

[Anonymous]

Set the older one up with something before you feed the younger one. And instill a "No touching at the table" rule for the kids.

Just get firmer. You need to physically pull your older girl off the younger one. The baby can't advocate for herself. That's your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giving her other ways to be involved with baby might help. My son liked getting things for baby like a clean diaper, paci, blanket, etc. That might be a way to redirect when she's getting too aggressive.

Little one will be giving it back soon enough. My 15mo full-on tackles his big bro (4) now.

Agree. Other ways to interact/ help and also maybe special toys that she gets to play with when you’re nursing? I also read books to my 3 yo when I was nursing. I tried to make it exciting - like something I was doing for her. Let me get settled nursing brother so you and I can read! You go pick a book. When I was pumping she LOVED turning the pump on and off or me.

Are they both home with you all the time? Can the year old do a part time preK program if so?

I also remember when my second arrived my 3 year old seemed very old and capable. She was a big girl. Now that DC2 is 3 I realize how very young she was. Go easy on her.

[Anonymous]

Make sure to give the toddler some good alone time. After you feed the baby, invite her into your lap to read to her. Use a play pen or pack and play for the baby so that it is harder for the toddler to touch her or hug her.