Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling so, so badly with this. I had twins a month ago and my husband and I have worked out a schedule of sorts where I sleep from 9PM-2AM and he sleeps from 2AM to whenever he has to get up for work. His job has him working so that he’s not available to watch the twins until around 7PM and I use that time before I go to sleep to run and take a quick shower or change the laundry, dishes, whatever. So those are the weekdays, but we don’t get to spend much time together on the weekends, either! He’s exhausted so he ends up sleeping in until about 11AM and I need coffee way before then being up at 2AM (having coffee together is our thing), and then we don’t eat any meals together bc we aren’t hungry at the same times with these new wacky schedules. Plus he runs errands etc on Sat and Sun so is out of the house a bunch (doing essential things, but still). Ok so that was probably way too much detail, but what am I missing here? Do other couples just never see each other or even eat a quick meal together when they have babies? That can’t be, right? I miss my husband terribly, so I’m wondering what others might be doing. We don’t have any local family and haven’t hired help (yet). Thoughts or suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Hire help if you don’t have family around. Twins are much more work than what new parents usually deal with.

[Anonymous]

You have one month old twins. You’re in the thick of it. Life is just going to suck like this for a while. It’s a slog like no other. The good news is that it doesn’t go on forever. With a singleton, you start to come out of it around 2 months. Twins will take a little longer.

Yes, consider hiring some help. It could be to help with the nighttime duties. Or maybe have someone come for a couple of hours during the day so you can sleep. Or it could be to help with the other chores like laundry or cleaning. If you don’t want to hire someone, think about what you can outsource—grocery shopping, lawn care, laundry, etc. Instead of him running errands, who can you pay to do them so that you have time together?

Finally, see where you can get some support as parents as I f twins. There are online groups and local groups. DCUM can help point you in the direction if you’re in the area.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your kid, but it was really a slog for us for us until about the third month. We had to divide and conquer like you are doing because my husband was back to work and neither of us got enough sleep otherwise. It does get better, but I think this is just the way it goes initially, unless you have a good about of help. Even after month three, there were still several more months where we didn't have any "us" time, but did see each other more for dinner and on the weekends. It will pass, but see if you can get some help in the meantime!

[Anonymous]

Life sucks until 2+ years with twins. Just take it a day at a time and focus on getting help when you need it. Even with a singleton, your marriage dynamics change a lot. For most couples there is not a lot of "alone" time. My kids are 17 and 18 and though it is easy to go out and do things together, it is still hard to get alone time at home.

[Anonymous]

You’re running one month post twins?

That’s a tough schedule. The first months are hard even with one baby. Twins must be rough. You’ll see him again! I would try to prioritize lunch or dinner if possible.

[Anonymous]

This is why we need parental leave for all. Minimum 3 months. Sorry, OP, this is the hardest time but it will get easier.

[Anonymous]

Hire some help for a Saturday or Sunday. Run errands together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we need parental leave for all. Minimum 3 months. Sorry, OP, this is the hardest time but it will get easier.

No we don’t. Twins are en entirely different animal. One person taking care of a baby is plenty.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have twins, but no that hasn’t been my life with any of my 3 babies.

Im wondering why your husband is doing so many errands on the weekend. Like what?

Also, beside the point, but I’m curious like PP above why you are running at 1 mo postpartum. That’s objectively bad for your pelvic floor, and on only 5 hrs of sleep, it’s probably really stressing your nervous system too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have one month old twins. You’re in the thick of it. Life is just going to suck like this for a while. It’s a slog like no other. The good news is that it doesn’t go on forever. With a singleton, you start to come out of it around 2 months. Twins will take a little longer.

Yes, consider hiring some help. It could be to help with the nighttime duties. Or maybe have someone come for a couple of hours during the day so you can sleep. Or it could be to help with the other chores like laundry or cleaning. If you don’t want to hire someone, think about what you can outsource—grocery shopping, lawn care, laundry, etc. Instead of him running errands, who can you pay to do them so that you have time together?

Finally, see where you can get some support as parents as I f twins. There are online groups and local groups. DCUM can help point you in the direction if you’re in the area.

All of this. Every point made here. This should be published. My husband and I wrote each other love letters during the worst of it. Back and forth in the same notebook, often two sentences, no more than a paragraph or two at most. They weren’t impressive but they connected us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have twins, but no that hasn’t been my life with any of my 3 babies.

Im wondering why your husband is doing so many errands on the weekend. Like what?

Also, beside the point, but I’m curious like PP above why you are running at 1 mo postpartum. That’s objectively bad for your pelvic floor, and on only 5 hrs of sleep, it’s probably really stressing your nervous system too.

NP here, I read that “run and take a shower” as “run to the bathroom while the babies are asleep before someone needs to nurse” and not “go for a run and then take a shower”.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a parent of twins and those early days are FOR SURE all hands on deck. I'd suggest doing your very best to dial back the "necessary" weekend errands/activities and using that time to sit on the couch with your husband and watch tv while hanging out with the babies. Get groceries and supplies delivered and truly put off anything that is nonessential house or life-wise. This time will pass but it will help if you can connect a little bit while baby caretaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have twins, but no that hasn’t been my life with any of my 3 babies.

Im wondering why your husband is doing so many errands on the weekend. Like what?

Also, beside the point, but I’m curious like PP above why you are running at 1 mo postpartum. That’s objectively bad for your pelvic floor, and on only 5 hrs of sleep, it’s probably really stressing your nervous system too.

OP here. I totally get this question and it varies w/r/t errands. Its mostly grocery shopping but the twins were 4lbs each when they were born and we didn’t have nearly enough preemie stuff, so every week there’s a giant list of preemie-specific things that we need that we are having trouble getting shipped with the supply chain issues. So he’s made like probably 10 runs to buy buy baby 25 miles away in February alone because they’re the only place with the stuff in stock. Plus our car had a flat tire one weekend, our dog had to go to the vet another, we needed to go to Home Depot to get a part for our washing machine which has crapped out from overuse lately. Just those sorts of random things that are adding up. Maybe this part will end and we can get some time back.

Also, sorry I’m sure that I’m not communicating properly from lack of sleep lol, but yes I meant run around to take a shower and do laundry, not that I go for a run and then shower. If only! Ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a parent of twins and those early days are FOR SURE all hands on deck. I'd suggest doing your very best to dial back the "necessary" weekend errands/activities and using that time to sit on the couch with your husband and watch tv while hanging out with the babies. Get groceries and supplies delivered and truly put off anything that is nonessential house or life-wise. This time will pass but it will help if you can connect a little bit while baby caretaking.

Thank you so much. I’m going to try my best to do just this.