When teens come out to only one parent

[Anonymous]

I have a teenager who came out to me as bisexual about nine months ago and a second teenager who came out to me as pansexual a couple of weeks ago. Neither of them have told their father or asked me to tell him and I have not done so.

My DH has become increasingly conservative over the years - and I hate to say that I think the kids are right to fear his reaction. In my heart, I want to believe that his love for them is stronger than his conservative views, but I am just not sure that he would be supportive. And if he weren't, I know that I couldn't stay married to him (not the greatest marriage anyway given our diverging views on many things).

I think that both of the kids know that I support them 100%, but recently I have been questioning if I am sending the wrong signals by not suggesting that they talk to their father. I respect that they will make decisions about what to say and when on their own timelines, but am wondering if my silence about their father gives am impression that I think they should hide their true selves. I just feel very on the fence about the best actions to take to demonstrate my full support.

I would greatly appreciate any advice.

[Anonymous]

I think before you tell your kids to be brave by talking to their father about something that may sever their relationship you need to talk to him yourself. You're the grownup. You need to tell him how his conservative views are driving you away and ... whatever else. Don't out your kids to him.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian here -- I agree with my gay male co-poster.

When I was a teen, all you had to do to shock your parents was smoke clove cigarettes or get a second ear piercing. These days, it's fluid sexual identity.

Telling your DH or urging your kids to tell their father something that will certainly drive a wedge between them is unnecessary. They need support -- not rejection or worse from your DH. And they don't need you deciding that whatever they call themselves today is what they will be forever.

Support your kids unconditionally as they explore their identity (since your DH can't). That includes giving them the freedom to change their minds again and again and again.

[Anonymous]

You have to wonder, why am I married to a man who I think won’t accept my kids as gay/bi/pan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to wonder, why am I married to a man who I think won’t accept my kids as gay/bi/pan.

To be fair, that is a big deal for someone who may have been raised in an intolerant society (we all were) and who may have accepted those intolerances. One good thing about the explosion in trans and non binary kids, it's making being gay and bi sexual less stigmatized and, dare I say, normal.

[Anonymous]

I’d just say “hey kids, fyi, please don’t take my actions as a cue not to come out to your dad. I support whatever you want to do.”

I doubt they are reading into your actions that way but I don’t think it would hurt to say that to them.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP, you know your husband best and how he'll react. Do you think he would be able to eventually get over it, or do you think he would damage their relationship with him? If it's not worth the drama, I'd just let your kids come out if/when they want to on their own terms/timeline. Or if you think he could learn to accept them anyway, maybe you could you could encourage your kids on being more open with him.

Both my children are gay. Well, DS20 is gay, DD17 is a trans man, so I guess I should say DS17. DH and I are politically opposite and it's been a very challenging half decade since the first one came out (on his own in a letter to us). The second time, it was actually the school that outed him, in the most uncaring awkward way, catching us by surprise. We all knew DH wouldn't receive the news well, so I made sure both my children knew I would love and support them no matter what.

DH is convinced its the liberal agenda to push gender confusion to youth to depopulate (yes I know ). I argue I have gay uncles, a trans aunt/uncle and two gay cousins older than me, and older than my parents for a few of them, in various parts of the world, including conservative Christian countries, so maybe it's genetic... and maybe the liberal agenda is to make everyone in the LGBT+ population feel included in society and he's just twisting it into a conspiracy. It has been exhausting, I won't lie.

But, somehow, after years of heating up and cooling off about the subject, he seems to have reached a point of acceptance, or realization that he can't control anything about their gender status. I've encouraged him just to be kind and focus on what bonds they do have, or risk severing his relationships with them. I hoped he would come around, and he seems to be.