Best way to tell parents you don’t wish to vacation with them?

[Anonymous]

Help me pull on my big girl pants and use my words!

In 2019 we (me, DH, and our children) vacationed with my parents. We had done it in the past, maybe five years earlier, with more pleasant results. The 2019 trip was not relaxing or enjoyable for us at all. In fact, it was probably the worst vacation we’d taken ever. It’s hard to explain what made it hard, I think it was the rigid inflexibility of a daily schedule my parents had fallen into after retirement, which they wanted everyone to adhere to. Everyone was miserable. They’ve only gotten more stuck in their ways since 2020—they recently left my dad’s birthday dinner to make it home for a TV show they watch every evening, just as an example.

We did travel last summer, they didn’t because they weren’t comfortable, but they’ve made it clear they want to this summer. And they have been hinting they want to join us wherever we go. We recently booked something and my parents keep asking if we have. I’ve been lying and saying we haven’t. I don’t know how to tell them we don’t wish to vacation with them without breaking their hearts when they hear the reason. Is there a way?

[Anonymous]

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your children?

13 and 11

[Anonymous]

"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

This is perfect. Clear is kind.

[Anonymous]

Do you still live under their roof? Do they pay your bills? Do they clean up after you? Probably not…
Just say what you gotta say to them and be done with it. It’s not rocket science. 🤦‍♂️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you still live under their roof? Do they pay your bills? Do they clean up after you? Probably not…
Just say what you gotta say to them and be done with it. It’s not rocket science. 🤦‍♂️

You sound pleasant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

This is perfect. Clear is kind.

I think I would skip the first couple sentences and just start with the sentence about going to New England

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

This is perfect. Clear is kind.

I think I would skip the first couple sentences and just start with the sentence about going to New England

Agree. Its obviously not clear to your parents that its not a good idea and this may just lead to more questions and follow up. Do you really want to explain why you didn't find the vacation relaxing. Saying you want a vacation focus on the kids is enough.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, maybe they're getting old and you need to accept it. Wanting to watch a show might have been cover for just being too tired. And old people sometimes have rigid daily and bathroom routines for very good reasons.

[Anonymous]

Mom and Dad, we have made plans for a summer vacation, but we are going to go with just us and the kids. We have different expectations of how to enjoy vacations than you do and we think everyone would be happier if we did not vacation together. We'll still see you for Memorial Day weekend and for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Clear is kind. At the end of the day, you're not responsible for their reaction or emotion.

That said, do you think you can stomach a long weekend with them? If yes, then propose a trip for a long weekend so they have something to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Tell them that the kids are at ages that are too boisterous for the heavily-organized vacations they prefer so you're planning something active that suits the kids. I like PP's idea of carving out a long weekend with them though as a compromise. When they see your energy level at that is more than they can do, they'll understand better.

[Anonymous]

I just had this situation with my mother today. I kept it very upbeat and said “oh the kids really wanted to go to X place and we could only make it work Y week with our work schedules! We will see you for your birthday though!”
Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

This is perfect. Clear is kind.

I think I would skip the first couple sentences and just start with the sentence about going to New England

+1

I think the first version is too long. Too many words. Also, once she heard any “criticism” of the last vacation, she will be focusing on that and tuning out the important stuff - your “main idea,” which is that you’ll be vacationing as a family of four this year - not with them.

Just focus on the information she needs for this coming summer. Don’t tie it to what happened in the past. (And by the way, if your parents are anything like mine, they’ve either revised your last vacation in their minds from “disaster” to “heavenly.” My parents have an amazing habit of viewing through rose colored glasses even our worst moments together. It’s like they can’t accept that our family time has ever been anything less than ideal. I imagine it might be even worse now, after all the isolation of Covid. So just focus on the future without characterizing past events.)