anyone elses kids hardly ever play at home?

[Anonymous]

I have a 2 and 4 year old and they rarely just have open play at home (especially the 2yo, the 4yo gets some while 2yo naps). I avoid it at all cost because they just seem to fight and instantly want the same toy and piss each other off and i'm playing angry referee the whole time. When we are out of the house they act like best friends and get along so great. When we are home we do things like dance parties and races and structured physical activity b/c them sitting on the play room floor together each trying to play with the magnatiles unravels very very quickly.

Our of the house we do playgrounds, scoot rides, a couple classes, museums etc - so its not all structured classes but its also not like "open ended toys" at home that are supposed to be so great for kids development.

Am I ruining them (i say that somewhat kidding....but also maybe not) They're both in morning school and get structured play time there.

[Anonymous]

Totally fine. You figured out what works. Keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

It's fine, and it'll be easier once your 2 year old is 4 and the 4 year old is 6.

[Anonymous]

Can you separate them for independent play? Imaginative play is extremely important in brain development. My kids, 3.5 and 1.5, need to be separated more times than not but both will play in their own spaces.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are getting a good mix of play and exposure socially. But, it’s also really important that they learn to share toys and play either together or independently at home. They’re going to be living together for their entire childhood, and while it is of course super super common for siblings to squabble, letting/making them avoid playing together and learning to sort out their own differences and tips is going to do you or them zero favors in life.

I would try two approaches:

1. Provide the opportunity for each child to play solo. This may be your four year old playing with his figurines while the two-year-old is napping, or the two-year-old working on a puzzle while the four-year-old is at pre-K or running an errand with your partner.

2. Provide a nonnegotiable opportunity for the kids to play together. This could be based around a special trip to the toy store where they jointly pick out one larger toy to share (an outdoor swing, a board game, a Paw Patrol truck). You will have to play up before, during, and after the purchase the fact that the toy is shared and neither of theirs alone, and it is for them to play with together. There may be more trial and error with this, but the growing pains of learning to work together are vital skills for your sons to master when they are young.

[Anonymous]

I get that the fights are annoying, but it's completely normal and part of the whole learning process as they grow up.

What happens if you don't referee? As long as they aren't hitting and pinching, I would suggest trying to let it go a little. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

No, my kids play together for hours and hours on end. They complain and get grumpy if they don't get enough time together to play. It's literally their favorite thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I am training my elder to use his superior brain power to offer the younger a more desirable toy when she takes the toy he wanted out of his hand. He is somewhat too rough with her as well. It is a work in progress but generally I can close the door and walk away for 30-45 min before someone starts howling (if I topped them up with parental attention before).

[Anonymous]

It's fine, as long as they do get consistent training in learning to share toys, even though it's not pleasant for you. As PP said, the oldest can be taught to be a little psychological about it.

[Anonymous]

I was really struggling with being the constant refereeing until I read here on DCUM (thank you!) to think of it as teaching-to-play. That reframing changed everything.

I agree with the above: imaginative play is extremely important.

[Anonymous]

NP. What is open play? If I let my 2 year old run around our playroom while I watch the baby, is that open play? She will take toys and play with them, but she mostly wants to take all the cushions off the couch or look for trucks out the window.

[Anonymous]

How are they supposed to learn to manage conflict in a healthy way if you are constantly contorting yourself to avoid conflict? People who are raised to avoid conflict at all costs tend not to have healthy relationships as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. What is open play? If I let my 2 year old run around our playroom while I watch the baby, is that open play? She will take toys and play with them, but she mostly wants to take all the cushions off the couch or look for trucks out the window.

Open ended play. You let them play with their toys without it being structured, like a board game or craft project would be. Letting your kids learn to play independently is so huge. You seriously do not want that codependency of constantly having to play with and give them nonstop attention as they get older and have different needs. Not good for anybody. And yes, if your 2yo wants to take the cushions off of the couch and run around, let her. It’s developmentally appropriate to engage in that type of play. It may seem like all it does is create a big mess, but for her, she is being physically active, using her imagination, building her creativity, engaging in problem solving, and learning to play by herself.