No One to Eat With at Lunch
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Anonymous
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My 7th (Middle School) and 9th (High School) graders are both struggling with friendships recently. Separately they each told me they have no one to eat with at lunch and no friends. One has always been very social and had lots of friends so this is definitely a change. The other has always been quiet and reserved.
My guess is that most kids are settled into friend groups by now and they might need to tough it out and start fresh next year. We are working on new activities they can get involved in. Are your kids struggling with lunch or most have their friend groups by now who they eat with? |
Anonymous
| Tell your kids to bring a book to lunch and start reading. Other kids who like to read will start to approach them. Also, they can find a kind teacher who lets kids eat lunch with them to get out of the cafeteria. |
Anonymous
| This hurts OP and I’ve been through it too with my DD, who was eventually diagnosed (at age 15) with very mild HFA, aka Aspergers, which explained a lot of her social difficulties in MS, which continued throughout HS (improving with extensive therapy and meds). No great advice here. But I don’t agree it’s too late for your kids to make friends through classes or clubs, and hopefully that will lead to a lunch buddy. The hardest thing for me, as a Mom, was watching helplessly as my DD sank deeper into self doubt and loneliness. I truly hope you and yours are spared that. |
Anonymous
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In our HS (and others), clubs meet during lunch. Does it work that way in your HS? If so, tell your HSer to join a club.
MS is hard. My DC was a total geek/nerd in MS - glasses, braces, chunky, short. No real friends, but did eat with a bunch of other guys DC knew from ES only because they all new each other. Thankfully, HS has been soo much better. Can the MSer also join a club? This seems to really help build relationships. I went through a period in HS where I ate alone and did my HW. It sucked. |
Anonymous
| It's not too late to join school clubs! |
Anonymous
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Is this public school? Our MS is so big that my very social 7th grader can’t even find most of his friends most days. He has a separate group he eats lunch with because he knows where they are. He said people are spread all over the school eating in hallways, library, etc.
For girls, I think it’s harder—they circle wagons and it’s hard to break in even if you are friendly with some of the girls from some other contexts. MS is the worst for that. I agree clubs are a great way to meet people you vibe with. If she can find one friend and say “where do you usually eat? Can I join?” That might work. Make sure she doesn’t pick the most “cool” girl—humans have a tendency to flock to the people who seem the most fabulous/popular/happy—but those are typically the people most likely to reject outsiders. Pick someone she has a connection with, and maybe someone that’s also eating alone or with a couple others. The truth is that there are a LOT of MS kids eating alone because lunch is generally just insanity. |
Anonymous
| Sorry to hear this OP. I was a lonely middle and high schooler and struggled with eating lunch alone. My DC is in middle school now and I am grateful that his school assigns seats for the year. It takes away all that social anxiety and forces/enables kids to get to know each other. Not looking forward to HS because we are moving and I suspect it will be a tough transition. No advice but this kind of lunch experience is not uncommon but circumstances do and will change at some point! |
Anonymous
| I don't think friend groups are settled. DC eats lunch with several different groups every week and the groups themselves are really fluid with new kids joining or other kids breaking off all the time. I think your child could just pick someone friendly to walk with to lunch and ask where they are sitting and ask if they can tag along. I think many kids are just as lost about friendships and lunch as your children OP given many of them have been out of school for so long. |
Anonymous
| Both my 7th grader and 9th grader have lunch periods with no friends in it. My 9th grade DS says he enjoys time to himself. He’s on his phone, which he has said most kids are doing the same. My 7th grade DD isn’t thrilled but has friends. Just not at the same period. I explain that it’s a good skill to learn to be comfortable by yourself. As long as they aren’t sad about it, mine are learning how to be fine with just being alone (which they know is different than lonely). |
Anonymous
Same for my 8th grader. It’s only every other day but he talks about the lunch block where he doesn’t know anyone. He brings his phone and air pods to school, mainly for this reason. |
Anonymous
| Teach them to say “may I sit with you?” |
Anonymous
Bad and good advice at the same time. I get it. Yes speak up for yourself. But we are talking about 13,14 year olds who are terrified of rejection. Not everyone at the table is going to be nice and say “of course”. Teach your kids to say “come with with us!” |
Anonymous
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Meant to say:
Teach your kids to say “come sit with us!” |
Anonymous
I think this is good advice. Most kids would say, "sure." Being nice is the default for most. It is more awkward to tell someone no. I'm sure there are a-hole kids, but your child probably knows who they are. Surely there are lots of nice kids during that lunch period that your child vaguely knows but may not know well enough to consider them a personal friend. Those the the kids you ask to join. |
Anonymous
Jesus. Have you actually met any middle schoolers? |