What if your separation leads to your ex actually changing his behavior?

[Anonymous]

We have been on the verge of divorce for so long and our marriage was abysmal for years. This separation has really been a relief for me, but hard on the kids. Without going into specifics for anonymity's sake, suffice it to say my ex has had a couple of massive life-changing events creating the perfect storm in his life in the past 30 days. It would not be unrealistic for him to have come so close to the edge that he could have had a life and habit-changing epiphany.

How would you proceed if you are in the midst of divorce terms? I am tempted to go ahead with spelling out the terms and child support obligations, visitation, etc while we are on friendly terms - - so at least we have them to refer to if he reverts to his past behaviors. What is awkward and weird for me is how to deal with him trying to make amends and being helpful to me. I'm so used to fighting over everything with him, this is odd new territory.

Has anyone ever had their marriage turn around during the divorce/ separation? How did it end up? Was it a ploy to just preserve the family/ kids, or how long did it take to see that he really did change?

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't gone through what you're going through but if your dh seems to be recovering from addiction, be aware that it can take multiple rehabs for an addict to finally get settled firmly on the road to recovery. And a lot of addicts never make it so I wouldn't assume that he has changed his life for good.

Not that you don't wish the best for him and hope that he has turned things around -- it's just that addicts can slip multiple times. You have to be realistic about that.

But if that's not the issue, then just ignore this advice.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP here.. no addictions. The bad habits were more in the way he treated the relationship, promises, work mattering more than family, fidelity, etc. Generally a disregard for his role as a husband and friend.

I can't say I want to repair the marriage either. I am so cocooned under layers of armor against him, that I'm pretty numb to any emotion besides anger. And that's subsiding in the separation. I guess we just keep talking and see how long it lasts and where it leads?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the best you can hope for is that it will lead to a good co-parenting relationship and a friendly rapport. I would be wary of getting yourself back into the very situation that caused you to create the coccoon until you see whether or not his changes stick.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? I haven't been in this exact situation, but I kind of want to weigh in. I think you proceed with certain aspects of the divorce - get things hammered out while you're being nice to each other - and just don't file the final papers and make it official until you're sure. If he really has changed, then you'll know and you can back off. Or you can proceed and then be one of those couples that re-marries after divorce; it happens.

I just worry that the change in him might be temporary and he might revert. I would be suspicious. I tend to think that years of "absymal" outweigh a 30-day period.

Do you want to be married to him? Forget the kids for a moment, they will adjust to the divorce if need be. What do YOU want? Will you be able to erase or overlook or forgive years of bad memories, or will old resentments simmer below the surface?

[Anonymous]

Snort, and what if pigs fly?

[Anonymous]

Most people who get to the divorce stage have had the love beaten out of them by years of bad behavior. I know that if my husband were to magically revert to the man he was five years ago, I wouldn't be able to get past all the hurt he caused me since then. If there were affection or trust left to build a life on, we wouldn't be facing divorce, we'd be working on re-building.

[Anonymous]

POST NUP!

[Anonymous]

my parents had 9 mo separation when i was seven - got back together. happily married 30 yrs later

[Anonymous]

well, my ex has proven to me once again that he is the lazy, narcissistic, dead beat that he was during our marriage but now the person who could suffer the consequence is our child -- just as background - he was unemployed for 5 out of 10 years of our marriage -- being a total dead beat, while I worked, took care of the house, paid all the expenses. Now that he finally got a job after I kicked him out -- one week into the job, now he wants to decrease visitation with our child so that he gets a "break"?? he only sees our 6 year old twice a week for two hours each day and sundays are their daddy/son days from 9 - 5, with alternating one overnight on saturdays. during our biweekly meeting with our counselor, he beats around the bush to essentially say that he needs a full weekend to himself -- even the counselor had to remind him that you don't take breaks from being a parent .. this is confirmation to me that he will never change and that in fact, I am seeing very clearly what he really is -- also, our son has been doing better in school, seems calmer, less anxious since he's been seeing less of his father-- even the teacher called to tell me this -- I also realized how the ex neglected our child when he was saying he was watching our child when he was unemployed (until a week ago, he was unemployed for over 2 years).. anyway, you can't teach an old dog/pig/ SOB new tricks.

[Anonymous]

11:29, I would allow him every other weekend off. Sounds like all of you would be happier.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how you can negotiate aspects of the divorce and work on a reconciliation at the same time. OP, what is your gut telling you? Have you crossed the point of no return?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so he hasn't changed. He's just very smooth about concealing his wolf fur under sheepskin... It's still all about maintaining control with him. Getting back together = less pain for him financially and emotionally with the children. It does not = because he loves or misses me. What blows my mind is he is okay with this and thinks it's a wonderful gift and sacrifice he's making for the kids.

And somehow, I'm the bitch who can't forgive the infidelities and verbal abuse, AND I'm the person who's preventing our reconciliation. <shakes head> Classic narcissism to shift all that blame on me. What was *I* thinking?

[Anonymous]

13:55 - I'm assuming you are OP. I didn't realize this was an older thread and was about to respond that I understand what you were going thru w/r/t your conflicting emotions regarding his changing. Sounds like from your recent post that this is not the case, though and he's still up to his old tricks.

With regards to your original post, I had a relationship where I, also, built up the armor after several years. He did change (for real), but it was too late. Damage had been done and I could not look at him with new eyes. We parted and he was "perfect", he was just no longer perfect for me. Sometimes the damage is too deep and the changes come too late.

Best of luck to you and do try to use his moments of sheeplike behaviour to your benefit when you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so he hasn't changed. He's just very smooth about concealing his wolf fur under sheepskin... It's still all about maintaining control with him. Getting back together = less pain for him financially and emotionally with the children. It does not = because he loves or misses me. What blows my mind is he is okay with this and thinks it's a wonderful gift and sacrifice he's making for the kids.

And somehow, I'm the bitch who can't forgive the infidelities and verbal abuse, AND I'm the person who's preventing our reconciliation. <shakes head> Classic narcissism to shift all that blame on me. What was *I* thinking?

My husband also cheated, and I found his view similar to your last paragraph above. He focused on "why I couldn't forgive him", instead of focusing on himself -- why did he do it? what does he need to change in himself to prevent future infidelity? and how does need to change his behavior to earn my trust?

Unfortunately, I think too much of couples therapy emphasizes reconciliation. The reality is that a person who commits infidelity is not ready to be in an intimate relationship, and there is no reason why the victim/partner should accept or stay with someone who engages in this kind of behavior. This leads to a dynamic that focuses on the betrayed feelings of the victim (which she is entirely right to have) and how to change them, instead of on the actions of the perpetrator and how he needs to change himself. Thus, therapy becomes about making the right kind of apology and promises to get the victim/partner to change her mind and accept the perpetrator/partner. Instead therapy should focus on why the perpetrator would engage in this kind of behavior and has he demonstrated a pattern of consistent behavior change over a lengthy enough period of time to justify the judgment that he is a safe person to allow in one's life.