Having a third at 43?
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Anonymous
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We have two wonderful healthy kids who are 5 and 8. Three years ago, when I was 40, the topic of having a third came up and at the time, I was still exhausted and completely drained from the baby/toddler phase. I was under water trying to keep everything functioning and the kids thriving while working full time. We have no family help. DH and I were in a rough place in our marriage too, so bringing another baby into the mix didn’t seem like a good idea. Fast forward three years, things are a lot easier all around. The kids are older and don’t need as much of us. I feel like we’re in a grove with things. If I knew we’d have a healthy baby I’d do it. But DH is 48, and I know that his age combined with my age increases our chances of abnormalities or a child who has special needs. While of course we would love the child unconditionally, that would be very difficult for our family all around. Even with a healthy baby, I’m worried about not being able to give my older two as much attention, which is already split between them.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Not sure what to do, and it’s now or never. |
Anonymous
| I would not. |
Anonymous
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I would not. 2 healthy kids is great!
Your DH would be nearly 50 with newborn. And 72 by time you gets got out of college. That’s tough |
Anonymous
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Was the rough patch in your marriage caused by the two little kids? If you felt underwater managing two little kids, why do
you think adding a new baby into the mix when you’re older and more tired and still working with no family to help would be easier than last time? In all likelihood it would be like dropping a bomb in your life, cause that’s what new babies do. I wants third as well, but I know I can’t handle it. And I’m sad about that. Really sad. But I recognize that the sadness is going to be there whether I have one baby or 5. It’s your biology talking largely, and at some point you have to ignore it or address the feelings and make peace with it. It’s sad to realize your child bearing years are over. |
Anonymous
| Just had a third and kids are around yours. IT IS ROUGH. I am a few years younger but postpartum is hard, not sleeping is hard, etc. i am sure we will get into a groove soon but really, it’s not easy. |
Anonymous
| No. |
Anonymous
| Very similar ages and situation all round here, OP. No way could you talk me into going back into the baby stage. People always imagine it in terms of what the new kid would add to their workload. You have to also realize how it will change your other kids, creating a whole new base situation. Major sibling jealousy, feelings of deprivation… not to mention reaction to parental stress. If your family is in a happy place, maybe just enjoy it. Travel. My thought is that my two only have a few years left before we hit a much more complicated stage. I want to make good childhood memories for them. |
Anonymous
This, above. Enjoy the healthy kids you have now. It's a complete family and then some. PP is right about you and DH being in early 70s when the last child leaves college and you would be around 65-- that's IF you got pregnant immediately at 43, OP. You and DH will, to be blunt, get much less time together as empty nester couple and a retired couple. OP, you say you already feel that you're splitting time between the two kids you have and a third would add stress. Throw yourself into your two kids' lives and enjoy, rather than adding a third child. Also, you can be at least somewhat involved in two kids' extracurricular activities and involved at their schools if you and DH both volunteer etec. -- but if you add a new baby you are honestly never going to be able to get very involved in your kids' activities. Being able to volunteer at school and activities can be a huge joy, fun for you as an adult, a way to get to know other families, and it models for kids that their parents believe in volunteering and participation. If you're inclined that way, well, you won't ever get much opportunity if you're juggling three kids. And then there's college tuition....I know people don't like to talk financials when talking about "should I have another child," but it's a real-world issue. Tuitions, plus if your third child had special needs (since risks increase with maternal age), that's another consideration for the impact on your two already very much existing kids. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's a consideration. |
Anonymous
Three would be my max for certain if we went with trying for another. As for the rough patch, that’s a bit too complex to get into here. But no, the kids are our joy. Sleep deprivation certainly doesn’t help, but that wasn’t the cause of our issues. |
Anonymous
| Absolutely not. Do you really want to spend part of your 60s still raising kids? |
Anonymous
I get it’s rough. But are you happy you did it despite the chaos? |
Anonymous
Thanks, but this poster already has three. I don’t really relate to wanting more than three kids. |
Anonymous
| No. Absolutely not. You pretty much answered your question. Re-read your paragraph again. The answer is right there. |
Anonymous
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I’m 43 and there’s just no way, physically and age wise.
I think the key is that your marriage is in a good place, but that it’s been a rocky past few years. Enjoy the peace that has been made, and cherish the family that you have. |