DH and I don’t align on how to manage toddler tantrums!

[Anonymous]

We do not see eye to eye on discipline.

I am actually more strict but more respectful and sympathetic towards toddler tantrums.

I tell him I know he’s upset but continue to enforce boundaries. I hug him but don’t give in to his requests and don’t pay attention if he bangs his head (without hurting, etc.). As a result he’s never had a tantrum longer than 2 mins with me.

DH tries to ignore him and not hug him but just sits next to him but freaks out if he bangs his head etc and shows that.

As a result, our toddler has tantrums of up to 30 mins with him.

However DH does not want to follow what I suggested because he says he knows better and he’s not going to obey me.

Will this damage the toddler in the long-run?

[Anonymous]

It’s not great. He should be helping your child regulate using empathy — ie teaching him the words to name his emotions. You are frustrated because you really wanted that. Use a kind voice. Otherwise the child internalizes this coldness and moreover does not learn any emotional skills.

https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/5-how-to-help-your-child-develop-empathy

I suggest a parenting class. Mariposa or something that teaches practical skills to manage meltdowns and emphasizes the importance of socioemotional learning to early brain development. Whole-brain child by Daniel Siegel, How to Talj so (Little) Kids Will Listen, and No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury are good books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not great. He should be helping your child regulate using empathy — ie teaching him the words to name his emotions. You are frustrated because you really wanted that. Use a kind voice. Otherwise the child internalizes this coldness and moreover does not learn any emotional skills.

https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/5-how-to-help-your-child-develop-empathy

I suggest a parenting class. Mariposa or something that teaches practical skills to manage meltdowns and emphasizes the importance of socioemotional learning to early brain development. Whole-brain child by Daniel Siegel, How to Talj so (Little) Kids Will Listen, and No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury are good books.

Do this only if you want your DH to totally give up on parenting.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty sure there’s a video for “Happiest Toddler on the Block”. Make him watch it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like neither of you have an effective technique do you can go to that class pp suggested and learn together and come up with a plan.

And drop the attitude that you are the expert and DH has to follow what you want as an employee because it will backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do not see eye to eye on discipline.

I am actually more strict but more respectful and sympathetic towards toddler tantrums.

I tell him I know he’s upset but continue to enforce boundaries. I hug him but don’t give in to his requests and don’t pay attention if he bangs his head (without hurting, etc.). As a result he’s never had a tantrum longer than 2 mins with me.

DH tries to ignore him and not hug him but just sits next to him but freaks out if he bangs his head etc and shows that.

As a result, our toddler has tantrums of up to 30 mins with him.

However DH does not want to follow what I suggested because he says he knows better and he’s not going to obey me.

Will this damage the toddler in the long-run?

OP, you have different parenting styles. You're more right here but your DH needs to learn that on his own.

Stay out of it and let him handle it. It won't confuse the child, who has already figured out that he needs to behave differently with mommy than with daddy.