Please tell me to have more patience with my Dad because I am losing it.

[Anonymous]

My toddler and I are staying with my Dad and Stepmom over the weekend.

My dad has picked up chain smoking in the last few years and smokes marijuana daily. Thankfully he smokes outside but the smell still sticks to his clothes, furniture and vehicle. He begins drinking at about noon and has 5-6 beers/day. When I asked him about his drinking he says he regards beer as "just water" and I told him it’s absolutely not just water. He can’t hear in one ear and yells at me in frustration when I have to repeat myself because according to him I "don’t talk loud enough"; but he refuses to wear hearing aids.

My stepmom absolutely caters to him - he’s retired and sits on the couch watching news at full blast. He wears his housecoat in the morning with NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH. He then asks my 2 year old to take an afternoon nap with him (my son doesn’t even nap) and I said absolutely not.

He is driving me nuts. There’s no way we can stay with him again and I know it will hurt his feelings. But this feels like way too much to deal with. His drinking, smoking, NUDITY in the morning. Please tell me to either have more patience with him or just stay somewhere else next time we come to visit.

[Anonymous]

WTH?

Stay away.

[Anonymous]

Oh, sweetie, I think you know the answer. Stay somewhere else. I’m so sorry. That sounds miserable.

[Anonymous]

OMG—you absolutely have to stay somewhere else.

“Dad, I love you. And we can’t stay in your home when we visit. The smoking and drinking are not something I can support, especially around my child. I’m not telling you what you can and cannot do. I’m telling you what my limits are. I’m hope we can visit and meet outdoors and at parks and restaurants. I will not put my child in a place where there is smoking and continuous drinking all day.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG—you absolutely have to stay somewhere else.

“Dad, I love you. And we can’t stay in your home when we visit. The smoking and drinking are not something I can support, especially around my child. I’m not telling you what you can and cannot do. I’m telling you what my limits are. I’m hope we can visit and meet outdoors and at parks and restaurants. I will not put my child in a place where there is smoking and continuous drinking all day.”

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.

[Anonymous]

Yep, hotel or no visit.

[Anonymous]

OP, the napping thing is a red flag. Trust your instincts. Two of my friends were molested by family members. Their parents thought that a situation was weird/inappropriate, but didn’t want to rock the boat. I’m not saying this is what your dad is trying to do, but at the very least, he has lost sight of what is appropriate around a child. Park meet ups, lunch at family friendly restaurant-those things sound like good compromises.

One other thought -could this be the early stages of dementia? If he wasn’t always like this, there may be a neurological component.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the napping thing is a red flag. Trust your instincts. Two of my friends were molested by family members. Their parents thought that a situation was weird/inappropriate, but didn’t want to rock the boat. I’m not saying this is what your dad is trying to do, but at the very least, he has lost sight of what is appropriate around a child. Park meet ups, lunch at family friendly restaurant-those things sound like good compromises.

One other thought -could this be the early stages of dementia? If he wasn’t always like this, there may be a neurological component.

I agree he doesn’t know what’s appropriate around a child anymore. It’s the second time he’s asked "Do you want to take a nap with grandpa?", I hope I shut it down hard enough when I told him absolutely not. Exhaling the tobacco resin around my kid? Heck no. In the same room he just chain smokes marijuana in at night? UGHHHH.

Yeah, we are definitely staying at a hotel or air bnb next time. It’s not even up for debate anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG—you absolutely have to stay somewhere else.

“Dad, I love you. And we can’t stay in your home when we visit. The smoking and drinking are not something I can support, especially around my child. I’m not telling you what you can and cannot do. I’m telling you what my limits are. I’m hope we can visit and meet outdoors and at parks and restaurants. I will not put my child in a place where there is smoking and continuous drinking all day.”

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.

No problem. Just be prepared for backlash from him and stepmother. It won’t be easy. Your first priority is to take care of you child, not participate in the dysfunctional behaviors of your parent. You can offer support. What you cannot do is give tacit approval by staying there with your child. Your responsibilities as a mother take precedence over your desire to not rock the boat with your parent.

[Anonymous]

Hurt his feelings? He doesn't give-a-sh*t about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

How old is your dad? Some of these behaviors might be signaling the start of a cognitive decline. Stick to short visits and obviously stay elsewhere in future.

[Anonymous]

Step up and be a Mom and be the responsible adult and stop worrying about having Daddy mad at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hurt his feelings? He doesn't give-a-sh*t about your feelings.

This. You know the answer to the other questions without asking for input from us, but this is what you have to remember when you get pushback. You look out for your interests because no one else will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My toddler and I are staying with my Dad and Stepmom over the weekend.

My dad has picked up chain smoking in the last few years and smokes marijuana daily. Thankfully he smokes outside but the smell still sticks to his clothes, furniture and vehicle. He begins drinking at about noon and has 5-6 beers/day. When I asked him about his drinking he says he regards beer as "just water" and I told him it’s absolutely not just water. He can’t hear in one ear and yells at me in frustration when I have to repeat myself because according to him I "don’t talk loud enough"; but he refuses to wear hearing aids.

My stepmom absolutely caters to him - he’s retired and sits on the couch watching news at full blast. He wears his housecoat in the morning with NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH. He then asks my 2 year old to take an afternoon nap with him (my son doesn’t even nap) and I said absolutely not.

He is driving me nuts. There’s no way we can stay with him again and I know it will hurt his feelings. But this feels like way too much to deal with. His drinking, smoking, NUDITY in the morning. Please tell me to either have more patience with him or just stay somewhere else next time we come to visit.

I can't think of any reason he needs to see your son again while all of this is going on.

[Anonymous]

You need to leave ASAP.