I'm failing to teach my kids to clean up after themselves - advice please!

[Anonymous]

I have three kids, age 8, 5, and 2. I feel like before our third was born I was pretty good about teaching my kids to clean up their toys, straighten their room before bedtime and before school in the morning, help out with chores, etc. Our house was fairly organized and clean and I thought the kids were contributing in an age-appropriate way.

Now that our third is a two year old all hell has broken loose. There are toys everywhere. Our two year old's favorite activity, in fact, seems to be dumping toys around the house (and no, he doesn't have access to everything; but what he does have access to is more than enough to make a ridiculous mess).

It's hard to manage a 2 year old boy, and now we're really slacking on reminding our older kids to clean up after themselves (and insisting they follow through). When we try we often hear something along the lines of, "I didn't make that mess!" and when we make EVERYONE clean up together, the older kids get frustrated that the youngest isn't helping, then the 5 year old gives up on helping (and when we try to insist she melts down), and then the 8 year old keeps cleaning but is reasonably angry with us for cleaning up her siblings' mess - and I don't like making her be a mini parent any more than necessary.

Advice? Sympathy? Help?

[Anonymous]

You certainly have your hands full! 💕
I could write a little book on this, but I’d start with putting away most of your two your old’s toys. Why does he need more than 2 or 3 - except to make a mess?

When the older children see you doing this, just gently say that when it’s too hard to put our things away, that means we have too much. Not in a mean or punitive way, just as a matter of fact. If they don’t figure out the message for them, let them know that they can pick out whatever they can put away, and the rest of their stuff needs to go elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Something that has helped us enormously with under-5s is putting on “clean up songs” every night just before dinner and everyone cleaning together. The kids love the songs and this is also how they motivate them to clean at preschool/daycare (you can ask the teachers what songs they use because using the same ones can help).

We still have to help them clean, but making it a daily ritual and incorporating music makes it less painful. They almost never complain about doing it — usually they just argue over who gets to pick the first song.

Other than that, we are selective in the stuff we ask but then very consistent about it. Shoes and jackets must be put away when they come home (designated places and accessible hooks). If they drop or spill food, they have to clean it up (we help with big spills). Clothes go in the hamper. But that’s pretty much it at this age. We don’t even make them make their beds because it just doesn’t contribute noticeably to messiness. Whereas food on the floor, and toys and clothes strewn everywhere does.

I don’t know anything about older kids! But we don’t fight with our little ones about cleaning and the house gets tidied daily without too much stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, age 8, 5, and 2. I feel like before our third was born I was pretty good about teaching my kids to clean up their toys, straighten their room before bedtime and before school in the morning, help out with chores, etc. Our house was fairly organized and clean and I thought the kids were contributing in an age-appropriate way.

Now that our third is a two year old all hell has broken loose. There are toys everywhere. Our two year old's favorite activity, in fact, seems to be dumping toys around the house (and no, he doesn't have access to everything; but what he does have access to is more than enough to make a ridiculous mess).

It's hard to manage a 2 year old boy, and now we're really slacking on reminding our older kids to clean up after themselves (and insisting they follow through). When we try we often hear something along the lines of, "I didn't make that mess!" and when we make EVERYONE clean up together, the older kids get frustrated that the youngest isn't helping, then the 5 year old gives up on helping (and when we try to insist she melts down), and then the 8 year old keeps cleaning but is reasonably angry with us for cleaning up her siblings' mess - and I don't like making her be a mini parent any more than necessary.

Advice? Sympathy? Help?

Having everyone clean up is good. Everyone means everyone! Two year olds can put things in boxes, wipe with a rag, walk books to bookcases, etc. Yes, you will have to redo a lot of what he does, but the point isn’t efficiency. It’s to involve him to teach him that everyone cleans up.

Don’t let your middle melt down and get out of cleaning either - try a different time of day. We tried before dinner and it was whining everywhere. After dinner worked better for us bc they weren’t hungry and wanted to hurry to baths (which they love). Or even first thing in the morning sometimes- I am NOT a morning person but a lot of kids are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, age 8, 5, and 2. I feel like before our third was born I was pretty good about teaching my kids to clean up their toys, straighten their room before bedtime and before school in the morning, help out with chores, etc. Our house was fairly organized and clean and I thought the kids were contributing in an age-appropriate way.

Now that our third is a two year old all hell has broken loose. There are toys everywhere. Our two year old's favorite activity, in fact, seems to be dumping toys around the house (and no, he doesn't have access to everything; but what he does have access to is more than enough to make a ridiculous mess).

It's hard to manage a 2 year old boy, and now we're really slacking on reminding our older kids to clean up after themselves (and insisting they follow through). When we try we often hear something along the lines of, "I didn't make that mess!" and when we make EVERYONE clean up together, the older kids get frustrated that the youngest isn't helping, then the 5 year old gives up on helping (and when we try to insist she melts down), and then the 8 year old keeps cleaning but is reasonably angry with us for cleaning up her siblings' mess - and I don't like making her be a mini parent any more than necessary.

Advice? Sympathy? Help?

You are making excuses and your older girls are calling you out on it in their own ways.

YOU need to clean up after the 2 yo if you aren't going to stop him from making a mess everywhere. Have your girls go back to what they were doing - being responsible for themselves. You need to teach your 2 yo to play in the playroom (wherever that is).

When they get older, you can do the "everyone clean up after everyone else". Right now, your two oldest need to see you have the 2 yo clean up his own mess. Even if that is you leading him to a toy, helping him pick it up, and walking him hand in hand to the toy box to drop it in.

[Anonymous]

Start small "Larlo, toss your napkin in the trash and bring your dinner plate to the sink. Then you can go play".

[Anonymous]

Music is a great motivator. "I'm going to put on the Encanto soundtrack while we clean up your toys, but I'll turn it off if I don't see you doing anything."

[Anonymous]

It is hard with age differences. I've found it helps to have specific tasks that you hand out to the younger kids like picking up the puzzle pieces and putting them back in the box. I also try to give a buffer at the end of playtime to pick up so there isn't one day of cleaning which is overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar epiphany a few weeks ago regarding my 7 and 5 y/os. Not everyone would agree with this but I made chore charts for each of them and explained the concept of allowance and have been SHOCKED by how much this motivated them. Like I haven't had to nag at all. Am I thrilled at paying them for things that I think they should just do as family members? No, but it's working and my hope is that the chores (making bed everyday, putting school water bottles in the dishwasher, etc.) will become second nature. If so, it's money well spent.

[Anonymous]

Twice a day, my entire family has to pick up and put away 15 things in place while counting aloud. We zip around like electrons, trying to get to the easiest things first - coats, shoes, backpacks, cups, plates, trash, phones, eyeglasses, car keys, recycling...and it goes on for just 4-5 minutes at the most. My house gets absolutely picked up and straightened twice a day.

That is something that you can do with your kids. Maybe they pick only 10 things. But don't prolong it - keep it short, finite and predictable.

[Anonymous]

Don’t make your older kids clean up after the two year old. He sounds like the issue. Older kids keep their own rooms and items picked up. If he’s the terror, fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, age 8, 5, and 2. I feel like before our third was born I was pretty good about teaching my kids to clean up their toys, straighten their room before bedtime and before school in the morning, help out with chores, etc. Our house was fairly organized and clean and I thought the kids were contributing in an age-appropriate way.

Now that our third is a two year old all hell has broken loose. There are toys everywhere. Our two year old's favorite activity, in fact, seems to be dumping toys around the house (and no, he doesn't have access to everything; but what he does have access to is more than enough to make a ridiculous mess).

It's hard to manage a 2 year old boy, and now we're really slacking on reminding our older kids to clean up after themselves (and insisting they follow through). When we try we often hear something along the lines of, "I didn't make that mess!" and when we make EVERYONE clean up together, the older kids get frustrated that the youngest isn't helping, then the 5 year old gives up on helping (and when we try to insist she melts down), and then the 8 year old keeps cleaning but is reasonably angry with us for cleaning up her siblings' mess - and I don't like making her be a mini parent any more than necessary.

Advice? Sympathy? Help?

Anything--toys, clothes, books, ANYTHING, left out of place the first time is taken away for a week. After that, it is tossed or donated to a charity and it is not replaced. This may sound draconian but it works. My daughter was always leaving toys, clothes, books everywhere. I instituted this rule and she laughed but after I gave her back her things after the first week, she reverted to her old ways. I got a plastic garbage bag, picked up her things and locked in trunk of my car. The next day I did the same thing and by day 3, she put things away as soon as she was finished with them. It works but you cannot give in. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It seems the two year old still has access to too much. Put most of it away.

You help the two year old, your older ones are responsible for their own. Anything not put away after bed goes away. They don't get it back until they are consistently cleaning up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t make your older kids clean up after the two year old. He sounds like the issue. Older kids keep their own rooms and items picked up. If he’s the terror, fix it.

+1 (NP)

[Anonymous]

You clean up after 2 year old with him.

Older kids clean up their own mess.

Sometimes you help the older kids because that’s what families do, then sometimes they will help you.