Birth order character traits/problems

[Anonymous]

Do you consistently have issues with people from the same birth order group? I find I often have issues with people who are the youngest siblings from a large family (at least 4+ siblings usually, I don't have this experience with people who just have one or two older siblings). I realized it recently after getting kind of fed up with selfish behavior from a friend and someone else said "well, she can't help it, I think -- she's the baby and is used to being accommodated." The person in question is in their 30s so this really irritated me.

I've known several people who were "the baby" over the last 20 years or so who really annoyed me. Very similar personality traits. Selfish, but in a cheerful, oblivious way that makes it easier to deal with initially but then much, much more annoying over time. Sensitive but only going one direction (so very sensitive to criticism but then will say the rudest things about others and be shocked if someone is offended).

I also find that these folks are often surrounded by enablers who will cut them slack for immature or hurtful behavior no matter what (like the person I mentioned above who defended a 32-yr-old woman for being incredibly selfish because "she can't help it" ). It seems like these folks are allowed to stay children, and thus unaccountable, for much later into life than the average person.

I've resolved to be more cautious about people like this and pay attention when these traits come up. I feel like I've been burned a few times and just need to learn to steer clear of these behaviors, and hearing "Oh, I'm the baby in my family!" is not a massive red flag for me.

Anyone else have experiences like this? I've thought it through and can't think of any similar issues I've had with other birth order groupings. But maybe there is something about my own experience that makes these babies more irritating to me? FWIW, I'm the middle child of three, but I get along very well with both my older sister and younger brother (who is not "the baby" and has never been referred to that way).

[Anonymous]

I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

[Anonymous]

Middle children often feel overlooked and under-appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

I see this point, but it's more like after 50 years of interacting with people I've realized that among the handful of people who have driven me up a wall at some point, several of them were the babies of their families and had very specific character traits. And it's interesting to me because this group includes a college roommate but also a woman I worked with recently (the one in her 30s) so it's like these traits are permanent personality traits.

I've also noticed that these are people likely to tell you about their family situation quickly. Like my coworker told me about being the baby in her big family within a few days of meeting her, as a way of describing herself.

It feels like this is a personality type. Not one I love, obviously.

[Anonymous]

I’m fascinated by birth order and think about it all the time in my assessments of other people and my relationships. I’m married to a youngest-of-4 and am also a youngest and have had very few close friends throughout my life who are first-borns. First-borns are somewhat of a mystery to me, including my own oldest child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle children often feel overlooked and under-appreciated.

Agreed but not sure this results in a consistent set of personality traits. Some middle children become people pleasers, others become demanding, as though seeking to make up for perceived neglect. And I think some never have any issues because their parents do a good job of not actually over-looking them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

Depends on the family, but I know several youngest children for whom this is not at all true. They were very doted upon by their parents and older siblings and continue to be as adults. Like I know a woman whose family consistently celebrated her birthday with a family trip every year until she was well into her 30s, even though they did not do this with any other sibling. It was definitely a "she's the baby!" thing. I do think her older brother got fed up with at some point and stopped participating.

But I come from a large family and my youngest sibling is not treated this way at all. He might have been babied a bit when he was a kid, but I don't really see any special treatment or babying of him as an adult -- I think our parents treat us all pretty equally at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle children often feel overlooked and under-appreciated.

Agreed but not sure this results in a consistent set of personality traits. Some middle children become people pleasers, others become demanding, as though seeking to make up for perceived neglect. And I think some never have any issues because their parents do a good job of not actually over-looking them.

Applies equally to people who are the youngest, yes?

[Anonymous]

IME, birth order only gets you so far. What’s the gender balance? Are any children adopted? Any step-siblings? Twins? Etc. Unless you know someone well-enough to know all the different ways their family is put together, you can’t generalize the way OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle children often feel overlooked and under-appreciated.

Agreed but not sure this results in a consistent set of personality traits. Some middle children become people pleasers, others become demanding, as though seeking to make up for perceived neglect. And I think some never have any issues because their parents do a good job of not actually over-looking them.

Applies equally to people who are the youngest, yes?

OP here and yes, I do think the way a family works obviously impacts it. I tried to explain that it’s not just birth order that this group I’m talking about has in common, but they are universally from large families and have a family identity of “the baby”. I’m not saying all youngest siblings are like this and, as I said, I’ve never had issues like this with my own younger brother. But he doesn’t get identified as the baby. And he and I are very close in age, as well, so I don’t think we often think about our birth order or age difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, birth order only gets you so far. What’s the gender balance? Are any children adopted? Any step-siblings? Twins? Etc. Unless you know someone well-enough to know all the different ways their family is put together, you can’t generalize the way OP does.

OP here and while I am generalizing, I’m also taking those other factors into account. Like I said, I don’t see this in people from smaller families, and in each case this is someone who self-identifies as the baby in their family, which I am sure not all youngest children do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

Depends on the family, but I know several youngest children for whom this is not at all true. They were very doted upon by their parents and older siblings and continue to be as adults. Like I know a woman whose family consistently celebrated her birthday with a family trip every year until she was well into her 30s, even though they did not do this with any other sibling. It was definitely a "she's the baby!" thing. I do think her older brother got fed up with at some point and stopped participating.

But I come from a large family and my youngest sibling is not treated this way at all. He might have been babied a bit when he was a kid, but I don't really see any special treatment or babying of him as an adult -- I think our parents treat us all pretty equally at this point.

Wow, I don't know any youngest that have been doted upon. Interesting.

Yes OP - I waver on whether there is any credence to the birth order theories, but generally, there are some common threads.

There are always exceptions. Onlys (onlies?) tend to have one personality, while oldest, youngest, middles (depending on size of family, of course) tend to have others.

Two important factors are size of family and spacing, which is why generalizations often do not apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, birth order only gets you so far. What’s the gender balance? Are any children adopted? Any step-siblings? Twins? Etc. Unless you know someone well-enough to know all the different ways their family is put together, you can’t generalize the way OP does.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

I see this point, but it's more like after 50 years of interacting with people I've realized that among the handful of people who have driven me up a wall at some point, several of them were the babies of their families and had very specific character traits. And it's interesting to me because this group includes a college roommate but also a woman I worked with recently (the one in her 30s) so it's like these traits are permanent personality traits.

I've also noticed that these are people likely to tell you about their family situation quickly. Like my coworker told me about being the baby in her big family within a few days of meeting her, as a way of describing herself.

It feels like this is a personality type. Not one I love, obviously.

DP. I think you need more to do. If you have this much time to reflect on something that is so unimportant, then you need to get some hobbies or be more productive. Honestly, your writing style makes you sound like you're 20, not over 50.